ETHAN
At Anna’s insistence, I made up an excuse to leave and take Ashley home. When I dropped her off in front of her apartment, she insisted a bit for me to come up, before calling me names like “idiot” and "jerk." Maybe I had been a bit harsh when I loudly told her I wasn’t interested.
I wanted to say I was sorry, but I simply didn’t care. It was just another despicable thing to add to the list of what I’d done today. The woman I actually cared about must hate me by now.
Will was right when he said I was an idiot for thinking this would make things easier. It had the exact opposite effect. I pushed her away, but at what cost? I still couldn’t have her, with the bonus of being the one she hated most.
When I finally got home, I opened a bottle of whiskey and sank into the chair in my office in a failed attempt to get some work done. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep.
What I was feeling was an enormous emptiness. There was only one thing on my mind, and closing my eyes didn’t help. All I could see was her face, and when I took a deep breath, I could almost smell her perfume.
How did I let this happen? Even with my attempt to keep a safe distance, she had managed to get through.
Will thought I was a coward for not letting anyone in, but what he didn’t know was that she had already done it.
That was enough to bring back the familiar pain that had been with me for so long. It caused a lump in my throat and a tightness in my chest.
But there was always something bigger than all of that, something that always made me hesitate and kept me safe: fear. The only thing left from my shitty relationship.
It was always there with me, reminding me that if I stopped now, the damage would be smaller and reversible.
All this crap was enough to make me relive the worst day of my life. The scene was still vivid in my mind. Finding the woman I loved naked with another man in my own bed made me feel so many things.
Anger wasn’t the worst of them, nor the most frightening, even though it made me want to do terrible things. The worst part was how I felt like nothing.
I had done everything I could for her, given her my best, and dedicated myself completely, and yet it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. And what came after that were the worst months of my life. That was real hell.
For months, I felt like nothing more than a nobody, just living like a zombie. I had sworn I would never let that happen again.
The only thing I had left was my work, and that was the only thing that got me up day after day and kept me going. Now wasn’t any different. Work was still all I had. The thing that kept my head straight.
*
It was past one in the morning when my brother knocked on my door, and considering the whiskey bottle I had opened was now half-empty, letting him in didn’t seem like a good idea.
"If you’re here at this hour to throw in my face all the crap I already know I did…"
"Shut up." He walked in past me, taking off his coat. "I shouldn’t even be here since you chose not to listen to me, but I’m still your damn older brother, aren’t I?"
"Are you here out of obligation?"
"Sit down. Drinking won’t help unless it’s enough to put you in a coma." He sat on the couch.
"Did Zoe make you come here?"
"If it were up to Zoe, you could go straight to hell. She doesn’t even want to hear your name. She feels guilty for being part of this mess. Just stay away from her for a long time."
I sat on the adjacent side of the couch, downing the rest of the liquid in my glass.
"Great."
It wasn’t much different from how Anna felt. I abandoned the empty glass on the table.
"Why did you come, then, Benny?"
"To offer an ear. Though I already know all the crap you carry around."
"I’m fine. I don’t need a listener."
"Alright, then I’ll start… You like her. Can you admit that?"
"It’s late. Go home to your wife." I sighed in frustration.
"The least you should do is apologize. Explain why you did all this crap. Staying silent will only make her suffer more. You’ve outdone even me with the shit you pulled today."
"Trust me, I’m sure she’s not interested in my apologies, let alone seeing me."
"Anna said she was willing to try if you accepted. She said that’s exactly what Ellie intended to ask you tonight."
"I don’t want to hear this."
The words only confirmed what I had already suspected, but they still made my chest hurt like hell.
"You knew, didn’t you? That’s why you brought that woman. Can you imagine how hard that must’ve been for her?"
"Fuck!" I growled, exploding. "What the hell! Are you really asking me that?"
"Yes, you know exactly what it feels like, and you still did it. So tell me… did you deserve what Charlotte did to you? You liked her, just like Ellie likes you."
"Don’t be ridiculous… you can’t compare the two."
"Why not? The only difference is that you like her too. And as for Charlotte, she didn’t love you. I know what it is to love someone, and when you love someone, you don’t do what she did to you. Just like you shouldn’t have done this to Ellie if you feel anything for her. But even knowing how much it hurts, you did it. So tell me, what’s the difference between you and Charlotte?"
Was he really comparing me to that woman? My blood boiled.
"Don’t compare me to her," I growled through clenched teeth.
"Then stop acting like a bastard. Stop wallowing over a woman who didn’t care about you and start valuing what’s right in front of your face, while there’s still time. Or you can spend the rest of your life alone, wallowing in self-pity, but the blame will be yours alone."
"I can’t. You know that."
"No, I don’t know, and Will’s right… You’re a coward. A coward who let fear dictate how your life will be. And nothing we say will stop you from being one. Maybe that’s for the best. Ellie’s too brave for you. While she chose to fight, you chose fear. Yes, she deserves more, and it might take time, but we know someone will be happy to give that to her instead of you." He sighed deeply. "But you’re right, it’s late, and I need to get back to my wife. So goodnight, little brother." He stood up and walked to the door, stopping before leaving. "If you don’t want to lose her forever, you know what you have to do." He said before leaving, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I knew there was a lot of truth in everything Will and my brother had said to me, but hearing some truths wasn’t enough to change who I had become after what I went through.
But Bennett was right about one thing: the least Ellie deserved was the truth. I had always been honest with her, and I needed to continue that way. It was better for both of us to suffer with the truth.
For that, I’d have to admit my feelings for her and explain why it wasn’t enough. It wouldn’t be easy, but I had to do it for her, even if it broke me inside once again.
I couldn’t sleep. I stayed awake for the rest of the night, waiting for the first rays of sunlight in front of my apartment window. Just waiting for the sun to rise, so I could do what needed to be done.
When morning came, I dressed in running clothes and headed toward my destination. And when I stopped in front of her building, I was filled with so much dread. I didn’t want to see that expression on her face again. But even hesitating, I forced my body to move forward.
I didn’t allow myself to think when I stopped in front of her door. I just knocked before fear could make me back out. It wouldn’t stop me from doing this, not this time.
But when the door opened, a familiar feeling overtook me: pure rage, accompanied by jealousy and possessiveness.