40- If you killed me once, it seems now like an old dream

No matter how carefully you analyzed a situation when you made the plan, if more than a couple of days have passed, things could be different. My grandfather had recovered extraordinarily over the weeks. The bleeding stopped as did the infection in the prostate, and with the right care at home, there was no reason for it to happen again. My family was more than happy to have him back in Sabadell. He could now walk, slowly moving around the house, talking to the parrots and scolding the cats that jumped on the table or the roof of the house chasing birds.

I stopped seeing Mel every day, breaking our usual hospital routine. I began to spend more nights at her apartment when I didn’t have a shift at the hospital. The fresh and spontaneous beauty of that chestnut-haired girl with sky-blue eyes and gentle curves won my heart; her company calmed my storms. The following Thursday, Mel was going to a concert in Málaga with her friends to see Whisky Caravan in a tribute to Héroes del Silencio. When the day arrived, I stopped by her apartment to say goodbye. I wasn't a big fan of Spanish rock, and I also didn’t feel like meeting Melisa’s friends, so I didn’t insist on joining her. I kept myself out of her social life. For now, I wasn’t interested in knowing every detail of her life, but I suppose that over time, that desire for integration would come. I like to be free and for each person to have their own life. That afternoon she was packing her suitcase, and I watched her sitting on the bed. The idea of sleeping with her had begun to seem like a good idea since my last session with the psychoanalyst Mercedes Pulido. I stayed all afternoon in her apartment feeling her hands roam over my breasts and my waist, with my clothes on, I remained floating and immersing myself in her eager hands wanting to undress me. I thought about surrendering my solitary and chaste body. I wanted to be intimate with Melisa before any principle had time to make its way into my mind. The music filled the room.

There’s nothing to worry about, I won’t go crazy,

I won’t think about you.

\- El nuevo disco de Zahara me encanta, tiene un timbre lindo y muy buen arreglo de metales. Algunas canciones tienen un excelente arreglo en todo el acompañamiento de escalas y armonía. Y su voz descansa sobre muy buena base ¿Sabes? Qué bella voz - Dije dándole una calada a mi cigarrillo, mientras sonaba la primera canción de su nuevo disco por tercera vez. La corneta reproductora de Mel tenía bastante potencia, el sonido llegaba intacto hasta el balcón de su habitación pasando por el corredor y la sala. Sus manos acariciaban mi vientre, y por instantes vaciaba mi mente y me llenaba de oleadas de calor con la yema de sus dedos.

I don't remember getting excited

Or your hands on me.

\- High scales? – She repeated crawling out of the sheets to sit in front of me. She looked at me sweetly holding a glass of wine in her hand. – You speak in musical terminology… – I closed my eyes and laughed lightly – Oh… – I blinked with a silent thought installed in my mind.

\- I'm sorry… – I shrugged – I studied music theory once… scales… the elements of music… – I blinked and looked at Mel with determination before remembering Paola and her passion for music – The point is that Zahara sings very well, I love her new album.

\- Why are you apologizing? It's wonderful that you know music. I love it because you always surprise me. You're very intelligent – ​​She admitted. A feeling of emptiness clouded my insides.

\- I love you – Mel whispered. She finished her drink, smeared with lip gloss marking her lips lightly on the glass, and blew me a kiss with the glass pressed to her mouth.

I would never let you read this,

I would never write it.

Melisa stared at me as she finished her second glass of wine. She leaned over me, placing it empty on the nightstand. I watched her thin body sit up and trap my hips between her knees. “Her fierce and distant eyes, my unattainable and unsociable life abandons me, and my body remains a prisoner in this place” I thought.

If you once destroyed me it seems more like a dream

Than something I lived.

\- Are you going to stay in Malaga after the concert? – I asked watching her walk in her underwear. She took a pair of jeans out of her closet and placed them on the bed. I didn't feel ecstatic, but now I almost never felt ecstatic after oral sex, I just levitated for a moment when I came and then I discovered myself in Melisa's eyes. Her gaze tore as my body broke, slowly thanks to her; then without ever reaching the irrevocable break everything returned to normal. I couldn't feel an orgasm for more than half a second, since a feeling of emptiness flooded me and I could burst into tears without warning. Now the sheets stank of sex and my pussy felt as big as a condominium, although I only sheltered three of Mel's fingers for 10 minutes, an entire life seemed to separate me from who I had been when Paola was the only one who caressed me. I closed my eyes and after a deep sigh I put on my panties and took one of Melisa's Marlboro cigarettes.

But we are safe, from that perfect illusion

Because that someone is neither you nor me

\- Yes, I will spend the night out, it will be just for today and tomorrow. I will be with the boys after the concert - She explained opening the suitcase.

\- Oh... perfect, sounds fun.

\- What should I wear to the concert? Transparent blouse and jacket, or a blouse from the band and jeans... - She asked me laying both outfits on the bed. I looked at Mel's clothes and bit my lip.

\-       The transparent blouse and the black leather jacket – I affirmed. She smiled and put the leather jacket inside her travel bag. I watched her restlessly sitting in Indian position from the bed, meanwhile she put on some foot cream, then went up to my legs pouring a row of milk and almond cream. Lately I tried to keep my skin moisturized to shine more easily. I watched Melisa take off the white blouse with cropped sleeves that she wore at home, she put on the transparent blouse. I looked at her ribs and her marked abs. “She is very pretty” I thought. I liked that she took into account my fashion advice.

But we are safe from that perfect illusion

Because that someone will not be you or me.

\- There are many beautiful Andalusian girls… - I told her in a playful tone. Mel looked at me fixedly.

\- Yes, there are… - She acknowledged.

\- And you are very pretty… - I raised an eyebrow. She laughed.

\- Jealous?

\- No, not at all… - I blinked silently questioning my own feelings. Did he want a relationship with Melisa?

\- There's something I've wanted to ask you for days… - Mel said closing her bag. She looked at me nervously and slid her fingers along the edge of my chin - What happened with the regression consultations? What happened there? I'd like to know how they ended… You didn't go back and I don't understand… that doctor, darling, believe me, is the best psychoanalyst there is – She affirmed. Her blue eyes penetrated my temple. I leaned over to the nightstand saying an “Oh…” and placed the body cream based on strawberry, milk and almonds.

\[1\] Int. Noche - Zahara