32- We knew our story even before of living it

\- And will I be able to stop having that unconscious emptiness and think about her only when I want to remember her?

\- Anastasia, you have to understand something. When you love someone, that person will never leave you. For that very reason, Paola has become part of who you are. You have channeled your love towards her from your feelings and because of that, you are a different person than who you used to be before. You would stop loving a part of yourself if you stopped loving her. Of course, you will think about her and it is something private. You do not have to give explanations for your feelings. You just have to make sure that those feelings make you happy. Now, if there is a wound, something that hurts you when you remember her, then I can help you with that. I do not intend to take away her memory or the memories you have of her. That is impossible for me, and it seems to me that it is something that no psychoanalyst can conceive. Some use hypnosis to erase traumatic memories and even use it as therapy to overcome breakups. That is not my way of working. However, hypnosis is an excellent way to find the root of many feelings. – The doctor smiled at me with that sparkle in her eyes and broke into one of those chocolate and almond cookies. I have always wondered what the cookies are for, if during the consultation the last thing they do is taste them. Psychologists must have those cookies on their desk in case an anorexic or obese person with anxiety comes to them. But to my surprise, Dr. Mercedes offered me a couple of cookies served in a porcelain vase bordered with sky blue flowers, and the next second she put one in her mouth.

\- I would like to know your opinion Anastasia – she added after eating another cookie – Don't believe pseudo opinions, one of the rules of my consultations is that the patient cannot fall into the spiral of silence. – I looked at her calmly, mute and confident, the cookies were divine.

\- We knew our story even before living it, we already knew how it was going to end. I read hundreds of times those love stories where the love is very intense but has no connection with reality, there is no other glue besides frenzy. I knew it was crazy, that we couldn't last forever like this, but still, despite all the suffering that was coming upon us, we risked experiencing love. I never thought I would end up in a psychiatric office asking for help to forget her. All this makes me sad - I admitted slowly with my gaze fixed on a blind spot on the desk - I wish I had never met her - A tear escaped down my cheek. The doctor looked intrigued as a silver and liquid shine ran down my face and blurred on my chin as she wiped away my tears.

\- I don't know if you can forget her Anastasia, naturally and even if it seems like a cliché, time will do its job. But we can work so that those corners of your mind where Paola always appears stop hurting you, so that you can think of her without feeling sorry or pain. You will no longer feel guilty or sad. However, that path that is formed in your brain is part of you, of your personality, as I say it is a libido, an emotion that has been transferred to you. It is like a parallel life in your head, one full of memories and voids that you will not be able to erase, but that you can accept so that they do not hurt anymore. They are wounds that do not heal Anastasia, all of us who have truly loved someone and have suffered a loss have them. You do not accept your wounds, on the contrary, you deny them. And that is a characteristic of melancholy, you feel grief for your loss but you cannot justify what you have lost.

You are in a hurry to study me, Doctor. Seriously, deep down I think I have all the answers, it's just that I am an unsolvable puzzle.

\- You don't have all the answers, and having lost your object you probably never will. The answers you seek are held by Paola – The doctor smiled and her forehead filled with fine wrinkles as she looked at me as if she had hit the nail on the head – That is why it is better not to ask yourself more questions and transform your energy by focusing it on another object, another person who can receive your love with joy.

\- Sometimes I feel that I need her, more than missing her it is a need for her presence, for that which she transmitted to me and filled me with life… – My gaze met that of the doctor and for a second I found comfort in the vestiges of my being.

\- Moles have always seemed special to me. – I closed my eyes and swallowed. After a second of silence I continued speaking – Unique and unrepeatable constellations, natural tattoos. And I don't have more than 10 moles that can be seen with the naked eye, none close to each other, my moles don't tell stories together, like a constellation... they don't enchant or make you fall in love, however I have many moles all over my skin. Paola had many, many moles, I loved to kiss them. I was fascinated by their shapes and their different shades of dark brown. Sometimes lying down or looking at myself in the mirror I have discovered new moles, moles on my body that Paola will never kiss, I have carried my whole life on my skin, and the new victories or scars that I may make on my way she will not know about. Then one day I will be full of wrinkles and my eyes will shine with new experiences that I cannot imagine now. And Paola will only be a fragment, a millimeter of my skin, that hides some of my oldest moles. That's all, my skin sums up our story perfectly, and I carry it on my back covering me every day of my life. But there is one, a special one, that is located right in my heart. I've touched it every day since I discovered it, because of that fear that it will disappear, that it will slip and get lost, because of that illusion of seeing it again and that one day she will kiss it without me asking. To that mole I owe my inspiration at three in the morning, my hope, my daydreams, my laughter at the absurd when I remember myself kissing her moles, to that mole, I owe my existence. It's a small mole at the height of my heart, and it's full of lost illusion.

\- You feel that because your libido feeds on your personality, but you don't need it to exist at all. It seems to me that we should work on your grief and your melancholy separately. I want to do a regression on you, well-worked hypnosis is the most effective way to find your accidents, your buried memories to let go of a loved one, to forgive yourself and heal that part of you that has been lost along with the energy of your loved object.

\- It seems that you are going to erase her from my memories...

\- I won't erase her from your mind, but her memory will no longer be painful nor will it affect you to the point that you reproach yourself for things that are directly due to her personality and that you have absorbed as your own defects. You will return to being exactly who you were before you met her, but with all the experience gained and without the feeling of pain, with fresh and new moles. Hypnosis in cases of melancholy, trauma and loss of a family member or loved one is the best.

\- I'll see you next week, okay?

\- Okay - I accepted.

\- Anastasia…

\- Yes?

\- Mel is a good girl... I taught her at the University. You should do this not only for yourself, but also for her. There are people willing to discover new moles for you, think about it.

\- Doctor, thank you for wanting to help me.

\- You definitely have a problem, and that's why I'm here.

I looked at the doctor in silence and smiled at her. I turned my back on her and left her office.

That afternoon in my apartment, after returning from my first consultation with Dr. Mercedes Pulido, I picked up one of my favorite books by Octavio Paz and discovered that Paola was always a precipice. I could never stop being tied to the past because to take the somersault into the present was to constantly fall into it, a white hole filled with my eternity, nature, snow, fire and wind. Existence, deceit and contrariety. Passion leading to the desire to have her body back.

Letter to Paola:

Paola, my precipice, through her the universe is rushing towards its ruin. Everything is present. And this totality is equivalent to an “everything is empty.” Indeed, Octavio Paz points out:

«Horror not only manifests itself as a total presence, but also as an unprecedented absence in its existence: the ground sinks, forms crumble, the universe bleeds. Everything rushes towards white. There is an open mouth, a hole. Astonishment, stupefaction, joy, the range of sensations in the face of the other is very rich. But they all have this in common: the first movement of the soul is to draw back. The other repels us: abyss, serpent, delight, beautiful and atrocious monster. And this repulsion is followed by the opposite movement: we cannot take our eyes off the presence, we lean towards the bottom of the precipice. Repulsion and fascination. And then, vertigo: falling, losing oneself, being one with the other. Emptying oneself. Being nothing: being everything: being. The force of gravity of death, forgetting oneself, abdication and, simultaneously, the instantaneous realization that this strange presence is also us. This which repels me, attracts me. This other is also me. Fascination would be inexplicable if the horror of ‘otherness’ were not, from its root, tinged by the suspicion of our final identity with that which seems so strange and alien to us. Immobility is also falling; falling, ascension; presence, absence; fear, deep and invincible attraction. The experience of the other culminates in the experience of unity. The two contrary movements are implicated. In the stepping back, the leap forward already beats. Rushing into the other is presented as a return to something from which we were torn. Duality ceases, we are on the other shore. We have made the somersault. We have reconciled with ourselves\[1\].»

Your bug.

PS. I would like to know if you will ever tell me why you called me that?

\[1\] Page 33. Octavio Paz, 1956, The Bow and the Lyre.