30- Real love always finds you even if you are not ready
The link of libido to your object arose from what in psychology is known as an object fixation. When you decided to shift your libido toward that beloved object, there was an object choice that established the link; in this case, you created a link with Paola that you have broken. Whether due to disillusionment or whatever reason you ended, there was a disruption of this connection, and the result was not the normal one.
Okay, what would the normal result be? - I asked, sitting on the other side of her desk. The doctor had a face full of joviality, retaining the glow of a teenager in her gaze. Thin lips, abundant hair, and small eyes like two hazelnuts.
The normal result is the displacement of libido, the love you felt for Paola toward another object, that is, replacing the object and shifting the libido toward a new one. In this case, Melisa.
Of course - "One nail drives out another," I thought. That's what has me like this. All the nails that Paola placed over mine. - Does it bother you if I smoke, doctor?
Go ahead... as I continue to tell you, the burden of the object proved to have little resistance energy, and it was abandoned, and you showed to have a very strong energy for which you could not completely displace it, and there was a break. The object, Paola, your beloved, broke. But the free libido was not displaced toward another object but withdrawn to the self. To you, Anastasia. So, you have an identity problem. The libido found a new determined task in you. And it is feeding on your "self," establishing an identification in you with the abandoned object.
I listened to the doctor attentively and watched the smoke from the cigarette rise to the ceiling; so far, everything she said made a lot of sense.
The shadow of the abandoned object then fell upon you, and you became an object, a directed attention toward your interior. That’s why you judge yourself because you became the abandoned object in a dissociation between the critical activity of your loss and yourself modified by the displacement of libido. There was a change in your personality for that reason. You told me that you used to do things and now you tend to judge yourself and remember what Paola didn’t like about you. You feel that you have changed, that now you are self-critical and constantly remember the mistakes she saw in you. All of that is normal; you are just trying to maintain the traits of her personality or the way you conceived her in your "self" unconsciously by having her libido projected onto you. Those negative traits of her personality that you didn't like are now feeding off you through your melancholic state. You are trying in vain to shelter the memory of Paola in you by not having sex, keeping yourself chaste, or refusing to meet new people; you do not accept that another presence can provide you pleasure because now the pleasure of your flesh is associated solely with her face.
How can I heal?
It’s not easy. And you have to know that. But it’s not impossible; once you yourself want to heal, that is, free yourself from her libido, everything will be easier. It’s like quitting smoking; the first step is the commitment to want to quit. It is evident that there was a strong fixation with the beloved object, and also a scarce resistance energy; for that very reason, the energy was channeled inward.
What do you mean by scarce resistance?
That perhaps for such a strong connection, you were very vulnerable. You were not prepared. You see, it is counterproductive to put all your eggs in one basket.
I see - I nodded dryly. "Vulnerable." I can't understand how foolish I was. A thousand years full of time and faith; if in all that time.
"Are you telling me, Doctor, that I chose to fall in love with Paola just out of vanity? Because of her looks?..." I raised an eyebrow. "I don't follow you..."
"No, you're not understanding me. You simply based your choice on a primitive narcissism. Perhaps there was something special about her that you admired a lot, or maybe many things about her that you admired. And you saw potential within yourself." She explained, "We must look for an object in the preliminary base to choose a substitute and incorporate libido into it so that it doesn't consume your self, but rather the relationship you establish with your new object, which will have a predisposition to feed off your energy, allowing you to love and love yourself."
"I understand everything you’re saying, and it makes a lot of sense. Someone who resembles her. Well, Mel doesn't look like her, at least not physically, but there are traits of her personality that remind me of her constantly. Isn't that worse? You can't assume that the attachment to my object can be transferred to another object just because it's a narcissistic fixation. It has nothing to do with her looks."
"But within narcissistic identification, you don't have to maintain the attachment to the object solely because of its physical appearance; it can be limited effects that she made you feel, like those typical butterflies in the stomach, or certain actions or qualities that you admired in her. Her way of acting, her thoughts. Think, Anastasia, what made you recognize Paola as your equal? As your soulmate?" Upon hearing Dr. Pulido say "soulmate," I felt a kick in my stomach, and my eyes burned; I blinked, trying to hide my urge to cry.
"Perhaps some energy that emanated from both bodies, and establishing it again with Melisa could be an initial solution."
"Oh, Doctor! There are other things that matter besides attraction."
"It’s been proven, Anastasia, that people after a divorce tend to seek partners with similar physical traits in their next marriage. Why? Because detachment is difficult, but it helps." A gleam of joy rejuvenated her face. Knowledge seemed to inject life into her.
"With all due respect, that is completely absurd. I don’t think the way to forget Paola is to transfer my libido to another person," I said. She looked at me sweetly. “That would be impossible to replace,” I thought.