CHAPTER SEVENTY

AXEL:

Present day…

When she finally decided to show me her true feelings, her act was once more fueled by trickery and spite. I took her to a hotel and switched my phone off. I didn't want any interruptions. As soon as I closed the door, just like on my graduation night...both of them, we were on each other. Clothes ripping. Teeth nipping. Hair pulling...

We didn't even make it to the bedroom. 

The walls, the couch, and the kitchen table felt our weight. When we finally collapsed on the bed, once more descending from the atmosphere to land softly back on ground, I made the promise of a ring and a happy ever after. 

It was then she decided to come clean.

And fuck, did her confession hurt.

To break our never-ending cycle of destruction, I kicked her out, vowing thereafter to distance myself.

And I did. And I tried. And I failed.

Shondra... my gorgeous, courageous angel, had set the bar so high, no woman I'd ever met could vault over it. The randoms I had never measured up to the criteria. 

Too small. Too tall. Too big. Too thin. Not smart enough. Not challenging enough. The list went on and on. Randoms didn't get me. They never did. Not one of them had chipped past my bravado and saw the real man inside. 

Only Shondra knew my darkness. Only she knew my light. And she accepted both.

I came further into view and her grew wide. She liked what she saw, even though she tried to hide it by turning her head. 

"You want something to drink?" 

She nodded. Before I turn, I saw her tucking her plush bottom lip under her teeth.

Oh, yeah.

Back in the living room, I hand her a bottled water, whisper touching every bit of her hand I could. Then I sat down—practically in her lap.

"Move over, Axel," she said in her reserved for sex voice. She only used that tone when she was ready for more.

I didn't snooze on it. I laid on the charm to seal the deal. "Now why would I do that, Shondra?"

She took a drink, slightly bumping my chest with her elbow. My heart sped up even faster at the contact. I watched her look around the room, unable to peel my eyes away. "You have a nice place," she said, letting a small smile grace the lips I wanted to suck between teeth.

"You don't think it's too small?"

 She scoffs. "Nothing about you Axel is small." Her lip fell under her teeth again and I started to grow...

"I'll take you on a tour." I took the bottle from her hand and drew her up. 

Without heels, Shondra came to my chin. It was all I could do not to wrap my arms around her and hold her in that old familiar way, with her head on my shoulder, her body molded to mine. In the end, I cautioned myself against it.

Too much. Too soon.

The tour was short. The powder room, the living room and open kitchen, my home office...and lastly, my bedroom.

She went to stand by the window, pulling the gauzy curtain back to look out on the river and the twinkling lights of the Shore.

"Your place really is great, Axel. I love the view."

I came up behind her, my body pressing close to hers. Wrapping my arms around her middle, I rested my chin on her shoulder and whispered, "Did you sleep with him? Did you sleep with Tony?"

At the Baker's party when she told me I was the only man she'd ever known, the news hit me like a sucker punch to the throat. I couldn't believe that she thought so much of me she hadn't let another man near her. 

Then she turned around, said we were over, and not a day later, she moved on with someone else. 

Nothing compared to the dismal hole I crawled in when I learned she was dating Tony. After all I did for him...never outing him to anyone that he was the father of Tabitha's baby and not me. By the time the test results came out, Dad had taken care of it, and since everyone in our circle assumed it was me, I kept it that way, promising Tony I would keep my mouth shut. His family was deeply religious and he would have been ostracized if they learned he'd had a child without the benefit of marriage.

 Shondra dropped the curtain and turned in my arms. "No, I haven't slept with him."

I let out a breath of sweet relief. No sooner was it breezing past my lips when she said, "But I did tell him I'm ready to take our relationship further when he gets back from his parent's place in Kentucky."

I removed my hands from her waist and stepped back. Long ago on that park bench, I promised never to lie to her. I'd also sworn never to kiss and tell, but for Shondra, I would. The promise I made to an ex-friend became invalid the moment he went after what was mine. "Do you remember that night in D.C. when you'd asked me about Tabitha Moore?"

Shondra closed her eyes. She tilted her head down and shook it in denial. Her ponytail whispering over her back sounded like a soft wind threading through the trees. "He told me, Axel. He told me how you used and discarded Tabitha after a few nights and when Tony went to console her, one thing led to another." She lifted her head to shoot off sparks into my eyes. "Either you or Tony couldn't been the father. We'll never know because after what happened in the common room she... she got rid..." Shondra pushed past me. I followed her into the living room where she grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder.

I stopped her from walking out of the door and out of my life by turning her around and speaking the truth, "What Tony told you was a lie. I've never had any children, Shondra. Not by any woman. I have the copy of the DNA test to prove it. You're the only person I've never used a condom with."

"He said there wasn't a DNA test... that means he...he lied to me?"

"Yeah, Sho. He did. Tony always went after the women I... uh, finished with."

"Just like me..."

"No, Sho. Not like you. Those earldoms...hell, I couldn't give a fuck, but you..." I shook my head, wishing Tony was there to punch in the throat. "If it had been you coming to me...telling me you were pregnant, nothing would..." 

Shondra's eyes filled with tears that leaked her pain. "Axel... I." She covered her face with her hands, hiding her expression. "Oh God, help me. I'm sorry. So Sorry. You don't know how many times I wanted to tell you..."

The hammer came down. The lights went out. My legs were strong like iron, but they nearly buckled underneath me. The disquiet that rose from my toes dried my mouth, cramped my stomach, and put a hurt in my heart.

I knew.

I knew what would come out of her mouth and I didn't want to hear it. I wasn't ready. Nothing could make me ready. Once the words were said they could never be unsaid and I'd have to live with what happened. I'd wake up ten years...twenty years from now and relive this moment, remembering just how the agony had oozed into my nerves and scraped the life from my cells.

Since the tidal wave of disaster was already on shore, I might as well let it consume me. "Please don't tell me..." I wanted to swallow my tongue to keep from speaking the words but I had to hear her say them so I could finally let her go. "Did you...did you get rid of our child?"

Shondra looked up at me, her tears doing nothing to mask her shock and hurt. "I lost him, Axel. I lost our baby."

I fell. Shondra was there to help. The pain was akin to learning of my mother's death, only this time, I didn't shed my tears in private. Shondra saw me as raw and as unsure and as vulnerable as I'd ever been. And during all of that, I let her arms comfort me even while my overwhelming grief blotted out my senses.