CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO

SHONDRA:

Six years ago…

I hurt.

All over.

Inside and out.

The pain floated and drifted and squeezed when I moved.

When I thought.

When I cried.

Which was a lot.

Buckets and lakes. Rivers and oceans.

I wanted my tears to wash me clean. 

It would take years before that happened.

***

Paul was there, off and on. A big hazy shadow and a smooth, comforting voice.

William had been there as well. Just the once.

I'd come up from a drug induced fog and his pale face and mop of brown hair hovered over me like some dark spirit. His face inches from mine.

My throat burned with the terror of my screams. They peeled like midnight alarms into the light-colored bedroom, nearly drowning out his "I didn't knows" and "I'm sorrily".

Paul came with two burly guards dressed in white.

The guards hauled William up by the armpits. Curses spilled from his mouth as they dragged him away, his feet kicking up from the ground. 

Over Gilliam's little girl shrieks, Paul told "plane", "island" and "tonight."

Plane?

Where to?

Where was my baby?

Paul swam into view. He placed a warm hand on my forehead, smoothing my hair back in a fatherly gesture. His brown eyes full of knowing and sorrow.

I knew then that they mirrored my own.

He was there to tell me...

The truth.

The finality.

The end before the beginning.

I wanted to close my ears. I even welcomed Gilliam's distant squalls at that point. Anything to block out the words that crushed me. I tried to scream again, but I had nothing left to give. No sound would eke from my raw, scratchy throat. I could only stare at Paul in growing horror as his voice cut through the death of my heart.

"My grandson is gone, Shondra. We couldn't save him."

***

I listened mutely, my face set in stone as Paul related the events that ultimately led to the demise of my baby. A baby I didn't want in the beginning, but whose loss nearly killed me in the end.

"William was Marjorie's child."

Paul's eyes flickered to my face as if the revelation would shock me.

It didn't.

I lay there numb.

Unseeing.

Unfeeling.

Uncaring.

"At fifteen, a family friend… a trusted family friend raped her. A neighbor boy." His clasped hands clenched and his eyes grew hard, as hard as a rough-hewn rock. "She didn't believe in aborting an innocent child, so she gave William up for adoption."

Paul took a moment to gulp whatever emotion he'd been feeling into his gullet. His Adam's apple bobbed and wobbled like a cork above the water's surface, with a mammoth fish tugging on the hook below.

Did he miss his wife like I missed my baby? Was he happy that his wife had given away the monster that had killed his flesh and blood?

I didn't know. And I didn't care enough to ask.

From the expressions that morphed his face, Paul, through sheer will, went on with his exercise in futility.

"Ah. Um, William had his adoption records opened three years ago when he turned twenty-one. In his search for Marjorie... he found me." Paul shook his head as if in denial. "I would've known he was sick. I mean, his father was. Had to be. I would've done more due diligence on the kid. Dug deeper into his background. But he was my wife's son. Her boy. I couldn't... couldn't turn him away."

At the time, the parallel of Marjorie's life and mine, both victims of sex crimes, was lost on me. All I could do was ask, "Why?"

"William was jealous of his half-brother. Jealous Axel had grown up with Marjorie and me. I mean, the boy—William—had a suitable home, from what I could gather. The adopted son of a strict military father and a stay-at-home mom. They loved him, but they had noted a few things..." Paul trailed off and shook his head as if he were clearing it. "I don't know why... I guess in his sad and twisted mind, William thought that if he prevented the meeting between you two, Axel would marry his ambiance and come to regret losing you." He grew angry then, a sight to behold with his flushed face and flashing eyes. "I wish the boy would've come to me. I would've told him Axel wasn't going to marry that girl because..."His eyes flicker to mine and then away. "Well, it doesn't matter." He ran a hand through his mane of hair, then scrubbed it down the side of his face. "Shondra, I never should have interfered with you two. God knows I will regret doing so for... damn forever." 

Paul banged his hands on his thighs and rose from his seat, his gaze on the ceiling. "What assholes we are—rich men and their money—controlling lives like chess pieces." He hung his head. I hoped in shame.in remorse. "I'm going to pay for this. In the next life, if not this one."

He raised his head. His eyes had brimmed and go red around the edges. 

Paul placed his palms on top of my clenched fists as he begged for understanding. "William didn't know... We didn't know about the baby. I'm-I'm so sorry, Shondra."

I offered no words of comfort to the man who held my hands in his as he spilled huge tears over them.

I had none to give to him or myself.

***

Jacob Charles Hammerstein was laid to rest on the Vermont family estate, ten days after he was born. The heavens opened up, raining down its wrath, for the fifteen minutes it took to cover his impossibly small coffin with freshly plowed dirt.

I'd picked out his name from the ancient family bible I'd found on the second floor of the Hammerstein library. It listed the Hammerhead's births and deaths from their days in England, right down to the last descendant in America—Axel.

I wanted to connect Jacob, even if by name, to roots and stability—two things I never had. I might not have a heritage, but my child would.

And that was all that was important.

***

Paul and I had flown to Vermont after I'd spent a week convalescing in Boston. During my recovery period, the missing pieces of what happened, and the aftermath came together like pieces in a macabre puzzle.

After the incident, I was unaware of my surroundings or what happened. All I remembered was that William had pushed me. 

I was unaware Paul had waited in the car with the driver while he sent William to get me. Unaware that I'd screamed when I fell from the top step. Unaware that the driver had tackled William on the lawn while the Airborne hostess, a nurse practitioner, attended to my baby while remained unconscious and... unaware.

Paul had promised the hostess a big payoff for her silence and he ensured I was seen by the best, and most discreet, OBGYN money could buy.

Paul informed me that even after our talk, the talk that ended with Axel and I, he'd followed my movements just as he followed his son's.

It wasn't just lip service that he'd taken a liking to me. He'd thought I'd make a brilliant match for Axel and I'd impressed him so much with keeping my word, taking care of Vee, and excelling in my business he soon realized he'd made a mistake.

He'd sent William to collect me that day in Boston so he could apologize for steering me off. Paul wanted me to go to his son with a clean conscience.

Come to find out, William had other plans. According to Paul, William wanted Axel to suffer. He thought by incapacitating me, Axel hurt like William had hurt all those years growing up without his birth mother's love.

To my mind, Gilliam's reasoning was weak thinking by an even weaker man.

Axel had let me go without a second thought. What did William ever think to achieve by doing me harm? And my baby harm? Axel wouldn't care. He never did.

He wasn't a man of his word after all. Axel had promised if there was a child, he'd stand by me.

Well, he lied.

Axel was at fault even more than William. He hadn't lifted a finger to save our relationship. If he had, I would've never lost my child.

My Jacob.

My baby.

So was my thinking. I was full of bitter anger, hurt, and resentment. And I'd laid it all at the doorstep of the half-brothers—William, the killer, and Axel, the sperm donor.

***

Just before I left for Chicago, Paul came to me. So far, I'd successfully avoided telling Vee what had happened with fake cheer and distracting her with news about my upcoming trip to China. Paul had set things up for me in Shanghai to study with a world-renowned monologists.

When I was ready or of course.

I was ready. More than. Getting away from it all was what I needed. Six weeks in China, just concentrating on myself and healing, was exactly what I needed.

"William can't hurt anyone anymore," Paul said, walking into the room. "I put him in a safe place where he can get the help he needs." Paul shifted his weight to the balls of his feet. "I hope you understand, Shondra... we can't go to the police with this. I don't want our name blighted with scandal. It would — "

"As long as Axel never knows. I won't say a word." I didn't want him to know. Ever. I couldn't bear his indifference for losing his child.