Overwhelmed with emotions

"You didn't want me to kill myself? Then why are you fucking with my shit?". I scream as I fly towards him and attack him, punching him in the chest.

He doesn't even flinch at my attack. He grabs my hands and pulls me to him, crushing me against his chest as I burst into tears. We stay hugging until I calm down and then he lifts my chin to look up at him.

"Like I said before, everything has fucking changed, baby. I'm not letting you do that shit anymore," he growls at me. "So listen to what I'm telling you. I. I love you.. I care about you. Leave. Fuck. And to hurt you.. . Fuck. Is that clear?" He enunciates each word.

"I don't know if I can stop, you asshole! This is what you've turned me into! This is all your fault and I hate you!" I yell at him.

"Hate me all you want, baby, but I'm doing it for your sake. I'm going to do better," she tells me with so much conviction in her voice that I almost believe her. "And I don't give a shit if you like it or not!". I try to wiggle out of his grip, but he squeezes me tighter.

He grabs me in his arms and walks out of the bathroom with me. He pulls us out of my room before he starts down the stairs. When he finally sets me down, we are in the kitchen. I start to step back, but he pins me with his gaze.

"Sit down," he tells me pointing to the chair next to the island. Not being in the mood for another argument, I do as he tells me, but I make sure to grumble all the while. He walks over to the oven and pulls something out. When he turns around, I see he has a plate in his hand.

"What are you doing?" I ask, already giddy.

"I'm bringing you food," he says in a tone that tells me what he's doing should be obvious, since I can see what he's doing.

"I'm not hungry," I say, as I quickly get up from the chair.

"Move another inch and I'll tie you to the chair and force feed you myself.Now sit down, Leah !"

"But I'm not hungry." I snort.

"When was the last time you ate anything, did you eat real food?" she asks and I shut my mouth. The truth is, I don't remember. I've had a few bites here and there and drank water or juice when I was about to pass out, but nothing else. I hadn't eaten properly in a long time.

"That's what I thought," he grumbles.

He places the plate in front of me and then takes a seat across from me, sitting there to watch me. "Eat."

Knowing I'd probably shove this food down my throat if I don't obey, I start eating, taking a bite of the sandwich on my plate. It's probably great because they have a top chef, but right now it tastes like sawdust.

I almost choke because it hurts to swallow it. He hands me a glass of juice and I take a sip, trying to swallow it. But my body is already protesting and all I want to do is throw it all up right now.

The wave of nausea that overcomes me makes me retch and, without waiting a second longer, I get up from my chair and run down the hall to the bathroom. As soon as I'm there, I drop to my knees and pull everything back up.

A second later, I'm already sweating. I feel him behind me as he holds my hair. It's too much and I burst into tears. I feel ashamed and humiliated that he has witnessed all my weaknesses.

I fall backwards onto my butt and cry inconsolably as the emotions completely overpower me. He helps me up a second later and, without a word, walks us over to the sink and grabs a cup before filling it with water. He hands it to me before grabbing the mouthwash as well.

I use both and he hands me a towel when I'm done. He turns me around and pulls me to him, puts his arm around me and kisses me on the forehead before he rests it on his chest.

"I'm a mess." I hiccup. "I'm fat and I need to lose weight. I can't eat anymore without hating myself for it and it's all your fault!".

"You're not fat. You're skin and fucking bones," she blurts out and then calms down before speaking more softly to me. "I'm going to make sure you get better," she whispers.

"I don't think you can make me stop hating me. You put all your hate inside me and now I don't know how to feel anything but that."

"Fuck!" she curses. "Fuck, I'll make you feel all the love you deserve," he says with a conviction I don't feel. I try to pull away from him, but he grips me tighter.

"Can I go back to my room now? I'm exhausted..." I sigh.

He lifts me in his arms and walks up the stairs with me, carrying me to his room instead of mine. He climbs into bed next to me. I pull away from him all the way, but he doesn't want me to. He pulls me to him and lays me on my side, my back to him, so he can snuggle me.

"Go to sleep. We'll figure it out tomorrow," he tells me as I continue to lie stiffly in his arms. I stay that way until I'm too tired to stay awake. I fall asleep with him holding me as if I'm afraid he'll disappear or something, which is absurd.

LIA

Is it possible to die from excessive emotional overload? I literally feel like I'm on the verge of it. My mind is in a constant state of anguish and I don't know how to make it stop. Last night, when I became too exhausted, I ended up passing out. But my sleep was irregular because even then my mind was active and preoccupied. I can't stop thinking about everything Rayan has told me about his father , his mother and mine , and how screwed up this situation is . But what disturbs me the most is his change of attitude lately , it's too good to be true . How is it possible that someone who has tortured me so much can feel love towards me , after having felt so much hate .

I don't know if it's true that he feels the same way I feel inside, an overflowing passion that dominates me. Deep down I wish it were all true, the fantasy that I have been able to tame the wild bull that is Rayan excites me enormously. Although I fear for my mother's safety at her father's side, she seems happy at his side and I have only thought of her since we arrived in this city above my happiness. Maybe I should let her live her relationship herself until she realizes by the facts of Jackson who he really is , I don't think she will pay much attention to me if I tell her what an absentee father he is and what an unfaithful man he can become . I meditate for a few more seconds until I decide to get up.