Mortal and lived truths

I have an idea for the next drawing, which is one of me. I start drawing it because I keep feeling uneasy. It's a full body one, and it's something I haven't done with myself in a long time. This one shows more of the self-loathing I can't get rid of.

I look like a zombie with an ugly face and all the words Rayan has called me are written on my skin in the drawing as well.

The list goes on and I can't seem to stop this self sabotage phase I'm going through. I know they always say not to let other people's words define you, but it's hard not to let their words creep into your head and grow like a festering wound until you think you are nothing more than what they call you. Speaking from experience, that's a fucking sad existence.

No matter how much you try to love yourself, you cannot. Your words have become something that love cannot make disappear. Nor am I sure that the hatred I feel in my soul will make the words go away.

The more they push me, the more depressed I feel and the more I want to end my life. Just to take all the pain away. Bullying hurts you in your soul. If someone tells you to get over it, they are just as bad as everyone else. They don't understand the pain you feel. Every. Every. single. day.

The pain keeps festering until you can't breathe for its strength. Always wondering why. why do they hate you? why aren't you like them? why aren't they fucking with anyone else? It's not that you want them to, because you know what it feels like to be treated like that.

It's an endless loop inside your head that makes you feel like you're going crazy all the time. Most days, I wish we hadn't moved here or that I had stayed with my dad. But I had to stay with mom. Dad said I'd be better off with Mom, since he travels so much. If I had known this was what was in store for me here, I probably would have run away or something.

I push the drawing away from myself. It reminds me how ugly I am and I hate it. The phone rings, I look around and see it on the bedside table. When I look at it, I see it's my mother. I clear my throat before answering to make sure I don't sound drugged or like I'm dying.

"Hi, Mom, where are you?" I ask as soon as I answer.

"Hi, sweetie! I've missed you. I was hoping I could talk to you before I left, but Rayan told me you were out with friends after the reception," she says and I'm confused.

"Left? Where did you go?" I ask again.

"Jackson and I are on our honeymoon cruise on his yacht," she says happily.

"And you didn't tell me?" I ask and yell into the phone.

"You weren't there for me to tell you, honey. I was looking all over for you," she says.

"You could have told me anytime before the wedding," I accuse.

"I didn't know before, baby. Jackson blurted it out to me on the day of the wedding as a surprise," she says effusively, and I feel a well of despair take hold of me. I realize that it will be Rayan and I alone in this house, no matter how long they decide to stay away.

"Well, then have a good time and I'll see you when you get back," I say, trying to sound happy for her, but I struggle to do so. We chat for a few more minutes before hanging up. I get the feeling that the walls are closing in on me. I start clawing at my throat because it's closing in on me.

"Breathe!" I hear Rayan say as he rushes into my room. He kneels down next to me, grabs my face and forces me to look at him. I can barely focus my gaze on him as I try to breathe.

"Go away! Haven't you done enough?" I say gasping and slurring my words. All I want is to be left alone for the moment. The idea that he can do whatever he wants to me since our parents are gone makes me panic.

"Are you high again?" he blurts out at me. His face is full of anger as he glares at me.

"What, I have no idea what you're talking about," I snarl at him. "If I did, then I don't see why it's any of your business! Isn't that what you want? To see me break down and beg at your feet for mercy because you're a sadistic bastard like you."

"I'm not proud of my behavior since fate put us face to face , but all this has an explanation , all this hatred I feel for you has a very logical reason that I'm going to confess to you right now" .

I avert my gaze and try to pretend how surprised I am by his words , because at first glance it seems that he has something important to say . The answer I've been waiting for since I arrived in this city of hell I might just find out now .

"Fuck you!" I mutter .

"You're going to listen to what I have to tell you, and then I'll fulfill one of your most desired longings since we met I'll leave you alone forever , because I know you don't want to have me around for one more minute "

He turns around and pins me against the wall with an angry expression on his face. But he doesn't hurt me. He just uses his body to hold me in place with his hand around my throat.

"The reason why I loathe you , why I made you suffer this hell and for a while it filled me with pleasure to see you burn in it . It was to avenge the death my mother "