Living with the torturer

My thoughts ended up wondering what it would take to get through to Rayan and make him stop hating me. I don't think that will ever happen, but maybe it would be worth a try and see what I could find.

I know he is hurting from his mother's death and he takes a lot of that pain out on me. I can't understand why. am I ugly? is that why he picks on me? because I'm the new ugly girl?

So many questions and no answers. I have a feeling that if I knew how his mother's death relates to me, or if it even relates to me, then I would know exactly why he hates me. On the other hand, I just moved here. Obviously, he can't relate to me. Maybe he just hates thick girls. I have no fucking idea.

Anyone with a brain can see that he is clearly hurt and not well at all. I see the way he hides behind that rough and mean exterior, but deep down, he's just a guy in a lot of pain. I wish I could help take it away.

Now I sound like one of those idiots who are always making excuses for others. The truth is, I think he needs therapy. But if I tell him, he might kill me. I guess I have no choice but to let him deal with whatever it is on his own. He's not going to listen to a word I say about his mental health anyway.

I don't have room to talk, as my mental health isn't doing much better either. It seems we are both broken in one way or another.

Restless and wanting to get high again, I get out of bed and grab another pill from the bathroom where I had hidden them earlier. As soon as I swallow the pill, I feel as if my world is right again, at least for the moment.

I know I can't feel its effects yet, but just knowing it's in my system is enough to stop the itching sensation. Lately I have become too dependent on these pills. If I go a day without taking them, I literally feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.

I look at the time and see that it's only five-thirty, which means I have plenty of time before dinner. I also have plenty of time to let the magic of the pill spread through my system, so I'll be calm when I have to face my new family.

Right away I feel myself floating. The high I was craving takes hold of me and nothing will make me feel better than this. Everything seems more colorful and vivid, and I love it.

From here, it looks like the ceiling is moving. I see how the two figures at opposite ends of the square where the design is seems to be clinging to each other. I laugh at the idea. In my mind, it is a representation of Rayan and me. I am always looking for the one thing that will never be mine.

I wish someone would reach out to me like that, love me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Even people who act strong every day need to be told they are loved and that everything will be okay.

I don't know if I've been strong or not these past few weeks but I'm trying. Trying my hardest but it's no use. Every time I get high, I feel weightless and it helps me not think about how much my life sucks and I'd rather that than have to deal with my problems.

When I don't take the pills, it makes me remember all the things that are weighing me down. I don't want to have to feel that constantly. Even though this high isn't much and doesn't last long, I think I need something more.

Vaguely the word addiction comes to mind, but I'm too far away to think much about it. I don't think I have a problem. I just love feeling good. When you're used to feeling awful, horrible, and full of self-loathing, you'll do anything to make those feelings go away, or rather, to put them out of your mind for a little while. Because let's face it, heavy shit like that never goes away no matter how much you want it to.

My mind needs something else again and I pick up the cell phone next to me. I text the Slim brothers and tell them I need more of the good stuff and to bring me some weed. I don't have any and I know they can get you what you need.

I receive a message telling me that I'm meeting them tomorrow at the same place as last time. I accept.

Time passes and, before I know it, the alarm clock I had set earlier rings at six-thirty. With a groan, I get up, take a quick shower and change before heading downstairs. It's time to face the new family.

I get lost twice along the way and am glad one of the maids gives me directions to the small dining room. Thank goodness. I would have hated to be in one of those super big dining rooms when there were only four of us...three if I was lucky.

But of course I wasn't. When I find the dining room, I'm the last to arrive. Rayan is already seated at the table. I can't believe that jerk beat me to it and a sour expression comes over my face when I look at him. I was sure he wouldn't come.

He doesn't even notice my expression because he doesn't look at me. His jaw is tense. It looks carved in stone because of the lack of expression on his face. My mother and Jackson whisper quietly while Rayan looks like he wants to be anywhere but here. I hurry inside and sit down across from him.

Before I can say anything, the jerk speaks. "His majesty has finally decided to honor us with his presence," he mumbles in a tone that seems bored, but I see him clench his jaw. I guess he doesn't want to be here any more than I do.

"I'm so sorry I'm late. I got lost twice and had to ask for help," I say, turning to my mother and Jackson to give them my apologies. My cheeks are red with embarrassment for messing up already on our first night here. I don't apologize to Rayan because he can be fucked for an asshole.

"It's okay, sweetie. I know this house will take some getting used to, and it's only your first night here," Jackson says , giving me a warm smile that makes me feel a little reassured, knowing I'm not screwing up all the way.