Chapter 42 Amnesia
My head feels like it's going to split open, and I groan as I clutch it and sit upright.
What the fuck happened last night?
My body feels like it went through the trenches.
Something foreign on my finger draws my attention, and when I look at the gigantic diamond, everything comes back to me.
The limo, Madison Square Garden, the proposal.
Me saying yes.
I've always known me getting married to Benedict is inevitable.
But that was before Black.
Before Miguel.
Now the glittering diamond on my finger feels like a betrayal.
Not to Miguel, but to myself.
I look around my bedroom. I'm all alone. I can't remember anything past us coming home. I know Ben was with me, he brought me home.
But when I shift, I feel discomfort from my vagina, and with shaking fingers I throw the covers off from my naked body and open my legs to inspect myself.
I run a finger through my bruised slit, and find myself soaking wet. When I lift my hand to inspect it, terror runs through me.
Sperm. Lots of sperm, like he came inside me multiple times.
What the fuck did I do? I remember being drunk as fuck, did he not see that?
Or did he see and still proceeded to have sex with me?
Bile rises up my throat and I hurriedly scramble out of bed on shaky legs and almost fall in front of the toilet and throw up the little bit of food I managed to eat last night with the copious amount of alcohol I consumed. I throw up until there's nothing left in my stomach. I get in the shower after I brushed my teeth and stay standing under the stream, hoping it will wash away more than just Ben's cum.
Miguel has held me down, fucked me both in the pussy and the ass until his cum dripped out.
But I loved it. I loved the way he would smear his cum over my asshole and push his finger inside.
In all that time, I haven't once felt this violated.
Ben knows I prefer having sex with a condom, and him not using one while I was clearly intoxicated, feels like him taking advantage of me.
He's never done this before. Why now?
My stomach rumbles when I get out of the shower, and I know I have to get something greasy to eat if I'm going to survive the day.
I check my phone, and there are a ton of messages, all of which I ignore except Ben's.
Ben: Good morning beautiful, I had to be in the office early this morning. Can we get dinner? Just the two of us? P.S..... you totally rocked my world last night.
I sit down on my bed in a daze.
I rocked his world? That I don't remember?
He's known me forever, couldn't he see I wasn't in my right mind?
Unless he was just as drunk.
That is the only explanation I can think of. And he wasn't driving, so maybe he also indulged a little.
Fuck.
I'm a whore.
I slept with two brothers on the same day.
Just the thought has me running to the toilet again, but there's nothing left in my stomach, so I dry heave until it starts cramping.
I have to get it together. I have dance class, and I can't miss because auditions for the Christmas show will start very soon. If I don't go to work, Gregory will think I'm not serious.
I might be engaged, but ballet is still my top priority.
Maybe Ben will agree to a long engagement, we can get married just before I retire.
I know he will never agree to that.
I walk to my favorite diner just around the block from my apartment equipped with a baseball hat and sunglasses. I get recognised sometimes, and this morning is not the time I want to smile at strangers and pretend they're not bothering me.
I get the table furthest from the door and order bacon, eggs and pancakes. It's probably worth all my daily calories, but at this moment I couldn't give two shits about that.
My phone rings, and I look at the device like it personally offended me. It's my mom, and I really don't want to talk to her, but I pick up anyway, otherwise she's not going to stop calling.
"Good morning Mom."
"Oh my god!" She shouts in my ear. "How are you doing this morning?"
"I'm okay." I close my eyes on a sigh, the damn ring feeling heavier than ever. "I might have celebrated a little too much last night, I'm having breakfast."
"I could have joined you!" There's a hint of sadness in her voice and I rub my eyes, tired of having to keep everyone happy around me.
The duty suddenly feels crushing.
"We can get something next week." I say just to appease her. Right now, I don't really want to see anyone.
"I'll see you soon, baby girl!" There's excitement in her voice again. "Bye!"
I deliberately don't check any social media channels, I wouldn't be surprised if the news is plastered everywhere because that's exactly something Ben would do. He knows I value my privacy, yet he always like to remind me that I chose to be a performer. I don't get the luxury of privacy.
I should've taken the damn ring off, because at work everyone is gushing over it and how lucky I am. I don't feel all that lucky after not remembering anything that happened at my place last night.
My headache persists throughout the day, and I can feel Gregory's judgmental eyes on me when he supervises one class himself.
"Madison, please stay behind." He says when the class is over, and my heart sinks into my pointes.
I walk over to him when the rest of the principals have left the room, nerves dancing in my stomach.
"Gregory." I nod at him.
"Madison." Disappointment shines in his eyes as he looks at me. "You looked like shit today."
I gulp, not mentioning that I feel like shit, but I can't exactly tell him I drank too much because he will blow a gasket.
"I'm sorry, I'm under the weather today, I will do better tomorrow."
His eyes are searching as he looks at me for a moment before he shakes his head and sighs. "Listen, you're one of the best that has ever danced across these hardwood floors. Don't disappoint yourself."
With those parting words, he turns his back on me and walk out of the studio, making me wonder if he can see right through me.
Because it feels like I've already disappointed myself.