Chapter 172 Dark mind - Miguel POV
I'm running.
The debris crunch under my feet of the forest floor as I try to get away from the enemy.
I can see her before me. The elegant slope of her neck and shoulders, the way her green eyes shut as the corners of her mouth tilt upwards in a smile.
I have to get to her before.....
Fingers grab the back of my hair, pulling my head backwards until my whole body falls.
Wait, I'm not in the forest. No, I'm on my bed. At my father's house. The comforter is blue and I can see my trophies glinting on the shelf.
I have a swim meet this weekend, my goal is to improve my personal best, and win gold for my team.
Hands grab my ankles. It's shackling me!
I try to kick my feet, and break free. I can't move!
Help me! Somebody help me!
Dad!
She's laughing in my ear, a witch's cackle, tearing the clothes from my body, straddling me.
"Dad, she's hurting me."
I'm just a boy. I'm scared. She's going to kill my Mom if I don't do this. I have to stay still, take it.
I want to play with Raul, on the broken swing that looks like it might fall off at any moment.
I want to chase him, but he's faster than me.
I can't catch him.
She's catching me!
Die!
Die!
Die!
I'm tired Mom, I'm so tired.
I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do this anymore.
We're having a baby.
The baby is inside the angel's tummy.
I have to live.
I have a baby.
"Miguel? Miguel!"
Someone shakes my shoulder and I immediately reach out to grab her throat, but she was ready. She catches my wrist in her hand, her shackles prohibiting me from killing her.
"Miguel! You're having a nightmare."
It's a nightmare. The blonde hair crawling over my ankles, holding me down, wrapped around my wrist is a nightmare.
I blink, the light going on, and I sit up quickly,gasping for oxygen.
I'm in a room. I'm lying down on a green couch. A strong hand grips my wrist, and it let's go immediately when I frown at the man attached to the hand.
He smiles kindly and steps back, and the psychiatrist steps into my sight, his eyes looking like he knows exactly what is going through my mind.
"How are you feeling?" His voice is soothing and calm.
How am I feeling? I feel fucking tired. The kind that seeps into my bones and settles there. The kind that makes my limbs heavy and not letting me go.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Dr. Hudson takes a seat on the chair in front of the couch. "Because whatever is haunting you in your dreams, is definitely manifesting physically. You wanted to strangle my man Bob over there."
Bob stands against the wall, looking like he's not listening to a word we say, the doctor's muscle to keep strong patients like me in check.
It's the exact replica of what I did to Madison, the thought alone making more sweat dot my brow.
I strangled Madison. Beautiful Madison who weighs less than half my bodyweight. I could've killed her, no Bob around to stop me.
"Why has this never happened before?" Is all I want to know.
"Usually a trigger. Sometimes we suppress trauma and when something unexpected happens, it brings everything back up. Can you tell me what might have triggered the nightmares?"
"Ben." I screw my eyes tightly shut. "My brother committed suicide."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Happy." I open my eyes to look at Dr.Hudson, expecting him to be surprised, but he's not. "He was a terrible person. If he didn't kill himself, I probably would have killed him instead."
"So if you were so happy, why would his death be the trigger of your nightmares?"
"It's because of her."
Dr. Hudson is quiet, most likely waiting for me to spill more of the beans, but I don't say anything. Somehow, I still feel like I'm like that boy who was sworn to silence, who was manipulated.
Tears burn the back of my eyes. It seems to just come uninvited ever since I laid my hands on Madison.
I've seen terrible things in my short lifetime. Dead children, mutilated bodies, casualties of war. None of that have ever elicited this emotion in me.
Fuck, I could've killed them.
The very person my heart beats for.
I don't deserve to live.
"Who are you talking about Miguel? Who is she?" Dr.Hudson's voice is soft and encouraging.
My top lip trembles, and my left eye starts twitching as the insides of my stomach twist together. Her name is on the tip of my tongue, but if I say it, someone will know.
"Dis she hurt you?"
The dam burst open and the water spills out.
I nod, my tears flowing unrestraned over my cheeks,not able to say it.
If I say her name, it's real. It's out in the world, for everyone to judge me, to say I wanted it. Who doesn't want to fuck their stepmother? There are porn sites created for it. It's one of the ultimate fantasies.
"What is her name, Miguel?" The doctor probes calmly. "Sometimes when we acknowledge our perpetrator, we get a little bit of our power back."
Perpetrator.
That's what she is, she's a criminal. I was underage, her job was to protect me, and soon the whole world will know the truth.
"Caroline."
Her name is pulled from the darkest recesses of my mind. Not in a casual way, no. It's pulled out like a knife, leaving a burning sensation.
"Did she hurt you?"
I just nod, not ready to say the words of what she did out loud.
And the guilt and shame I'm carrying because of it.