Chapter 75 Moral Dilemma
ALICE
For the first time in months, I knew what it was like to take a breath and feel the air in my lungs. My heart was pumping in my chest and for a few perfect moments, I was alive.
Dammit, alive.
Desire coursed through my veins as his mouth moved over mine with sensuous strokes. His body was pressed firmly against mine and I could feel his erection against my abdomen. I gripped his back, fisting the material of his blazer in my hands.
Theo kissed me with a hunger that turned everything from my neck down weak and warm. Groaning in my mouth, he raised the leg his fingers were stroking and brought it up to his hip so he was even closer to me.
It was so easy to lose myself in the feeling of being in his arms again. My body spoke louder than my mind, so I forgot all the reasons why this shouldn’t have happened in the first place, and I allowed myself to just feel for once. Feel and not think.
But guilt wasn’t the kind of thing you sidestepped and left behind. It caught up and fast.
I was the first to pull away. He inched closer, head tilted so he could kiss me again, so I turned my face away. His wet lips brushed my cheek instead.
“No, Theo,” I said in a wavering voice barely above a whisper. “It’s wrong. This is wrong. Y-You’re with somebody else.”
“I wish you could understand how little that all means to me.”
“That doesn't change the fact that you’re publicly engaged to her,” I said desperately. “And right now, I’m playing the role of a home wrecker. I can’t do this, Theo. Please.”
I tried to shove his chest but he stayed put. His eyes were searching mine and he said, “Something’s changed.” When I didn’t answer him, he added, “Tell me I'm wrong.”
I lowered my head. “It doesn't matter.”
“It does to me.”
“It's more pain,” I burst out. “Can’t you see that?”
He retorted, “Aren't we in pain now? These past few months have been hell for me, Alice. Pure hell. I can’t even—”
His phone started vibrating. I felt it right against my left breast. Theo didn’t take his eyes off my face and continued talking.
“I can’t do anything, Alice. I can’t think straight. I don’t know if you forgot what actually happened between us, but I haven’t. If you’d surrendered yourself to this feeling we both have, I wouldn’t have gotten engaged to someone else.”
I frowned. “So, this is my fault now?”
“Whose fault is it?”
His phone stopped vibrating. I looked into his eyes, furious, but I knew he was right.
I was the one who’d given up.
I was the one who was too scared to take things further.
“Just tell me why,” he pleaded. “Tell me why things were impossible before. Make me understand.”
“I didn’t think you were being genuine. I thought it was all a game to get me in your bed.”
“But I had you in my bed, and that didn’t make me stop wanting you.”
The reminder set my face on fire. “Yeah, but you tried to buy me. You stopped me from leaving. You sabotaged every chance I had at finding a real job!”
“Because I knew those assholes would find a way of taking advantage of you. I couldn’t stand the thought of you working for someone else and being an EA to some sick, perverted fuck with a fetish for secretaries! I didn’t do it because I was trying to control you. I just wanted you next to me, no matter what it took.”
His fingers brushed along my cheekbone, and then he moved them lower. He only stopped when he reached my collarbone. I sucked in a breath because even that felt good.
Good and wrong.
“What can I say?” he concluded softly. “You drive me crazy, Alice. I haven’t been myself in a long fucking time.”
I melted. I was suddenly overwhelmed with all the things I wanted to say to him. I wasn’t confused anymore—I wanted him. But now, it was a matter of principle.
He was engaged, and I wouldn’t put myself in that position.
“Where do we go from here?” he asked softly, cupping my face in his hand again. “You call the shots. Tell me what you want me to do.”
“I can’t—”
His phone started vibrating again, and this time, he reached for it impatiently. As he pulled his phone out of the inner pocket of his blazer, I caught a glimpse of the screen and I saw who the caller was.
His eyes locked on mine and I just…deflated.
It was her. Carmella.
I turned my head to the side sharply and said, “I have to go.”
“Alice—”
I pushed past him, bending over to grab my shit, then headed toward the door. Could he have stopped me? Yes. And I’d be as powerless this time as I had been initially. But he didn’t.
I walked through the door and returned to the cypress tree, shaking with nerves, shame, and remnants of the desire I felt for him.
Thankfully, Freddie was standing there, and he looked a little lost. His expression changed as soon as he saw me approach him.
I’d forgotten all about him.
“What’s wrong, Alice?” he asked right away. “I’ve been looking for you for ages.”
“I’m sorry. I just…I have to go.”
He stepped closer to me. “Why? What happened?”
“I don’t feel well,” I said. It wasn’t entirely false, so I didn’t sound as pathetic as I thought I did. “I’m sorry. I must be the worst party date in the world.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“No. Please. You can’t—”
“It’s not up for debate,” he claimed. “Let’s say goodbye to Miss O and then head out, okay?”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
I swallowed my guilt and nodded. We headed inside together, and the place appeared to be more crowded than it had been when we first got here.
We started looking for Francesca. I tried to imagine what her reaction would be and failed. Freddie and I walked slowly alongside each other, still searching.
That was when we were approached by Todd.