Chapter 63 Suppositions
ALICE
The meeting continued but my mind was elsewhere.
Fuck, I wished I wasn't so hyper-focused on the fact that Theo was engaged to Carmella Westenberg. I knew they were dating, so it was bound to happen, right? What did I care, anyway? I didn't want him. I pushed him away and put a stop to the little, or maybe not so little, game we were playing.
This was good news...right?
Wrong.
The truth of the matter was that I felt like absolute crap since I heard it. If anyone asked me, I'd lie straight to their faces about it, but I wouldn't lie to myself. I couldn't in any case. My heart thudded in my chest and I felt sick to my stomach.
I tried convincing myself that feeling this way was normal—it was like hearing that the guy who was pursuing you found someone else to obsess over. You didn't want him, but losing that attention felt...off.
It was a perfectly normal feeling, even if that made me a terrible person.
This explanation wasn't enough to make me concentrate on the meeting, though. I was fighting the urge to steal glances at him. His table wasn't that far away from ours, and I knew I would have a clear view of him if I looked.
Of course, I'd run the risk of being caught looking, either by Theo himself or by Todd, who was now looking at me with a grin that made me murderous. I kept my eyes on my plate, just waiting for the moment when this torture would end and I'd be free to spiral once I got home.
But it just refused to end.
I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and excused myself. I felt Theo's eyes on me, but I wasn't looking at him, so maybe it was just my imagination. I had no trouble finding the restrooms, which were on the other side of the restaurant, away from Todd, Theo, and everything else.
I shut myself in the nearest stall and leaned against the wall. I ran the flat of my hand over my hair a few times while breathing in deeply. My eyes filled with tears, but I swallowed the knot in my throat and shut my eyes long enough for the urge to cry to pass.
"Breathe," I whispered to myself. "Just fucking breathe."
Never before in my life had I felt this pathetic. Theo was out there, surrounded by his business partners, not at all bothered by my presence, and here I was, having trouble breathing. This should've never happened.
Damn him. And damn me.
Convinced that I was ready to venture out into the world again, I ran my hands down the front of my body, smoothing invisible wrinkles in my navy blue knee-length, three-quarter-sleeved sheath dress. It was the first dress I bought with my very generous first salary.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror and felt like an imposter. My makeup was just on point and my brown hair was perfectly styled and curled. The reason why I didn't feel like myself was that I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted.
No, scratch that.
I knew what I wanted, but I also knew that it was a fantasy that couldn't be entertained. From the get-go, I had the certainty that I'd get hurt if I got too involved with Theo, and this was exactly the position I was in now.
But I was sick of thinking about this. It was time to go.
A yelp escaped my lips when I stepped outside because I didn't expect to bump into Freddie. "Jesus, you scared me!"
"I could say the same about you," he claimed.
I brushed my hair out of my face. "I'm sorry."
"Are you okay, Alice?"
"Yeah. Just...I needed some fresh air. But we can—"
He stopped me just before I could return to the main area. His hand was on my shoulder, warm and reassuring. His eyes were open and filled with honesty as they searched my face, and I thought then that he would tell me everything that was on my mind. He'd tell me about Theo and how stupid I was being.
He'd lay my life out right in front of me and force me to analyze it.
Of course, that didn't happen.
Instead, he said, "If you have to leave, tell me now. I don't know what's going on, but something's up. Don't lie to me, Alice. Two months is long enough to get to know someone."
I sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I'll give Mr. Steimer your excuses."
"No, you don't have to come with me," I assured him. "I'll just take an Uber. He's an important client, Freddie. Remember?"
He ran a hand down his face. "I drove you here."
"That's right. I'll find my own way home."
"Are you sure?"
I forced a smile. I wasn't sure why I looked over his shoulder. Maybe it was because I sensed that someone was watching me. The brain tended to do that, right? Either way, I made direct eye contact with Theo, who was still seated at his table. The look on his face made my heart skip a beat. He was watching me intensely, rubbing his thumb against his forefinger nonstop.
I realized then that I was standing too close to Freddie, and his hand was still on my shoulder. I had to get away from this situation. Now. "I'm positive."
In the Uber, I forced myself to stare out the window and admire the city at night. Hell, I even asked myself when the last time I went out at night was. All I ever did was stay home. When I was engaged to Benjamin, that prick, we always went out, but after breaking up with him and losing that snake as a friend, I became all alone.
I kicked the door closed behind me and left my shoes right by the door. I'd worry about tidying up tomorrow after work. I went straight to the refrigerator Theo bought me—great—opened it, and grabbed the bottle of wine that had been chilling for the past week.
I usually had a glass only on Saturdays, but I needed one right now. My intention wasn't to get drunk. I just needed a little something to take off the edge and forget this shitty evening.
Forgetting Theodore Linden-Hawthorne would be impossible, but I'd try.
Tears trailed down my cheeks as I threw myself on the couch. I wiped them away angrily as I typed his name on my phone. Todd hadn't lied. Of course, he hadn't. Theo was engaged, alright, and I felt pathetic.
What was wrong with me? What did I care?
I vividly recalled how he looked at me. It was almost like he was...afraid. Yeah, that was it. He looked scared as he looked at me, and I wouldn't bother trying to interpret the look as anything else.
It was another reason why my reaction to him made no sense.
I gulped down the wine in my glass, placed the empty wineglass on the coffee table, then decided to just pour myself some more. Fuck it. I needed it.
Before I could reach the kitchen, the bell rang.
My heart just dropped.