Chapter 85 Walk away
And we sit here like this for a long while, not talking, leaving our lattes to go cold, holding hands, watching the world pass by through the window, just having this time together.
I know this is the last time I’ll see Will, and for now, I just want to hold on to a friend for as long as I can.
After what seems like forever in only a short time, I reluctantly realise we can’t sit here all day together. Will does too.
He pays for our drinks refusing my offer to pay.
We stand just outside of Cafe, lingering. I don’t know how to say goodbye to him.
I’m so confused. I don’t want to let him down anymore. But I know I have to.
I thought that telling Will about Dennis and Terry was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but it’s not. This here, letting him go knowing Terry is happy, is the hardest thing I will ever do.
“Are you taking the subway home?” he asks.
“Yes. ”
“Do you want me to walk you to the station?”
I shake my head, no. “Thank you, but I think I should go alone. ”
We need to say goodbye outside of here.
Will looks up at the sign for Cafe. “I don’t think I’ll be able to come here again,” he sighs.
“Me either. ”
He looks back and meets my eyes. And I can’t help but cry again.
I bite my lip trying to force the tears away, but looking at him here, knowing this is the last time I’m ever going to see him, it’s breaking my heart.
“I’m so sorry. ” My lip quivers.
Without another thought, Will wraps his arms around me, enveloping me in a tight hug.
I know I’m the one doing this, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.
I never knew it was possible to love two men at the same time.
But I do. I love pine and Natte.
I just love Natte more, and that means I have to let Pine go.
“I’ll always love her, shiv,” he whispers into my hair. I hear his voice break. “denis will never be good enough for her. She deserve so much more than he can ever give. ”
Then he releases me, and strides away, shoving his hands deep into his pockets as he walks, and I stand here outside the watching him go.
Watching the biggest part of the last two years of our friendship , walking away from me, at my behest.
I’m really worried about Natte. He’s been so distant, so closed off these last few days in the lead up to his dad’s funeral.
It’s affected him so much more than I ever anticipated it would.
I guess, I just thought because he hadn’t seen his dad in so long, and what happened the last time he did see him, well not that I thought he would be happy he’s dead, I suppose I just didn’t realise it would hit him so hard.
It’s like he’s here, but he’s not. And I’m worried that he’s slipped back into his sad past .
Ben is driving, taking us to Peter’s funeral. Steve’s in the front next to him, and I’m in the back with Natte, who’s been staring out of the window since we left the hotel to make the journey to the crematorium. He’s wearing a black Armani suit, crisp white shirt and black tie, and dress shoes. It’s strange to see Natte in a suit, and even though he’s look absolutely amazing, breath-taking, I want him out of these clothes and back in his Natte Johnson. I want my Natte back.
I just hope the surprise, if you can call it that on a day like today, will help lift his spirit and bring him back to me.
I called , Natte’s mum. I got her number from Natte’s phone when he was in the shower yesterday morning.
She wasn’t going to come to the funeral. Understandable of course after what Peter did to her and Natte. But she needs to, for Natte’s sake.
It was weird speaking to her after all these years.
Once we got past the initial awkwardness, it was actually really nice to talk to her again. She told me that she’s really happy Natte and I have found each other again, and more so that we’re together. She said she always knew we were meant for one other.
I actually felt really teary hearing that.
Then I told her my reason for calling.
I don’t want Natte to know I called his mom. I want him to think she turned up because she wanted to be here for him.
Not that she didn’t want to help her son. Of course she does. She was just blinded by her own anger for her ex-husband understandably, and she just needed a nudge in the right direction.
Ben pulls the car down the long road to the crematorium. I feel Natte’s hand tighten around mine.
I lean close to him, and rest my cheek against his. “Are you okay?” I whisper in his ear.
He moves back from me, staring into my eyes. He looks so different, so little boy lost. It makes me ache for him.
I’m praying that his mom is already here waiting for us.
Natte lifts his hand to my face, tucking my hair behind my ear, he kisses me gently on the lips and murmurs, “You’re everything to me, Shia. You know that right?”
I nod, confused as to where he’s going with this.
He takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Just, don’t ever leave me. No matter what Shia, just don’t ever leave. ”
I swallow down. He’s worrying me with these words.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours, Natte. You have my heart. I belong to you. ”
Nervous and unsure, I lean in and kiss him lightly on the lips. But he grabs hold of my hair, kissing me harder, desperately, his tongue invading my mouth, claiming me. And it reminds me of the time he kissed me in bed when we were still having an affair. The first time he talked to me about Bonny. The desperation and intensity I felt then, I feel now, and more.
It’s almost like he’s trying to tell me something with this kiss. Something he can’t say with words.
When Ben pulls the car up outside the building, Natte’s already released me from his hold, and I see his mom is here, waiting with my mum and dad outside the building. I almost sigh with relief.
As Natte registers her, I see it on his face, the surprise, the relief; I don’t miss that, it almost breaks me.