Chapter 63 I hate her and I hate him
Concern I really do not deserve.
“Yes, I’m fine. I just felt a little hot, a little queasy, but I’m fine now.”
I’m not fine, I’m miserable, disgusted with myself, and so very screwed up.
Here I was promising myself I’d be better and not do anything that could hurt anyone else especially Terry and Will, and then I go and have sex with Natte in a bathroom. And now I’m an even bigger mess than I was before.
“Is it a good idea to drink that if you feel sick, darling? I can go to the bar and get you some water if you want?”
“No, I’m fine honestly,” I add at Will’s worried expression. I don't know if that worry is for me or Terry who is already handsy with Denis.
What I need right now is alcohol and lots of it. I take a deep gulp of my margarita.
He knows I’m sleeping with Natte.
Of course he does. Devi knows so it makes sense he does.
I’ve spent the last few days holed up with Natte. And Steve is his PA. He knows Natte’s itinerary, his every movement. It’s his job to.
My cheeks burn with shame.
I glance across the room, past Steve, and see Natte is with Zhaneeesa again.
I get a twisted feeling in my stomach.
Lips that were on mine minutes before. Kissing me, everywhere.
She transfers the cigarette to her own lips and takes a long, sultry drag. Leaning close, she blows the smoke into Natte’s mouth.
I feel a flash of white hot jealousy streak through me, as I see that his hand is on her thigh, his other stroking her arm, intimately.
Then I watch as Natte releases the used smoke from his mouth, and leans in and whispers something in her ear. She throws her head back and laughs.
How can he do this when he was just in there with me? How can he move on so quickly?
He’s sitting there with her in his lap, and my torn panties in his pocket.
He catches my eye.
Don’t kiss her. Please don’t kiss her.
Then with clear defiance on his face, he grabs hold of the back of her head, and plants his mouth on hers.
How could he do this? He was having sex with me less than ten minutes ago and now he’s out here kissing another woman.
I know I’m no angel in this, but I would never have come back out here, after being with him in there, and stuck my tongue down another man's throat.
Hot tears burn the backs of my eyes. I have the urge to run.
I’m trapped here, doomed to watch, while Natte kisses another woman, minutes after having sex with me.
Deep breaths, Shiv. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.
Closing my eyes, shutting them out, I pick my margarita up and drain the glass.
I open my eyes to see Natte’s no longer kissing her; he’s talking to Tim, who also has a girl hanging off him. But Zhavanressa is still in Natte’s lap. Her hands are on him.
I hate her, and I hate him.
No I don’t, I love him. But I want to hate him. In this moment it’s all I want. It would make all of this so much easier if I did.
He never gave a shit about being with me. I’m just a challenge to him. Something to conquer. He would have got bored with me the instant he took me off any man I ever had, and would have tossed me aside like all the rest of them.
Natte can have his pick of women. There’s not one single reason why he would have wanted me as his forever.
And I’m seeing the evidence clear, now, before me. He's an old man and he can do whatever he wants, I'm a young woman and can fall in love with whoever I want.
He’s so attentive. I don’t deserve him.
I do love my two year mysterious man.
But I love Natte. More. I think. I don’t know.
“Shots!” I blurt out.
Will gives me a puzzled look.
“Ooh, I’m down for shots,” Steve chips in, grinning, tapping his fingers on the table.
Why can’t Natte be more like Denis?
“A round of tequila shots please, baby… oh, and a beer chaser and another margarita. Steve?” I look at him with a question.
He looks back at me impressed.
Steve looks up at Will, and says, “I’ll have what the lovely shiv is having, oh and make sure to put it on Natte’s tab.”
He winks at me.
“Okay. Good. I’ll be back in a minute,” Will mutters still looking slightly perplexed.
But right now, I don’t care. It’s either get drunk, or go ass over backwards crazy.
I opt for drunk.
And I’m kind of loving Steve right now for supporting me in my alcohol binge, and for spending Natte’s money in the process of helping me do it.
I see Terry is still perched at the bar, her and Denis deep in conversation, totally engrossed with each other.
“You hanging in there, gorgeous?” Steve asks me, bringing my attention around to him. “Or do you want me to go kick his ass.”
“Natte.” He raises his eyebrows at me.
“Oh.” I lean my head into my hand, and glance over at him. “Am I that transparent?”
“No. But he is.” He tilts his head back in Natte’s direction.
He gives me an, ‘as if I would’ look.
“Thank you,” I utter quietly.
“shiv, I don’t like to stick my nose in other people’s business… but look, gorgeous, Natte’s not only my boss, he’s my friend, and I’ve known him a long time. I live with that old guy. And basically, the idiot is crazy about you. I have never seen him, with anyone, the way he is with you.”
“Except for when he’s sticking his tongue down the throat of a leggy redhead,” I add, trying to muster up a smile.
It doesn’t work.
“Don’t let that bother you, honey. That’s just Natte trying to prove a point to you and himself. Trying to prove you don’t matter to him as much as he knows you do. It’s not going so well, as you can see. He doesn’t do hurt well, so he’s trying to hurt you to make himself feel better. He’s all about the pain that one.”
“He’s not used to this, gorgeous. Women don’t play with Natte. He plays with them. He uses them as he sees fit and then tosses them aside when he’s had enough. It’s what he’s done since I’ve been with him, and long before that I imagine. It’s all he knows how to do. I can’t even begin to tell you how many women I’ve driven home, consoled, fielded calls from, had to arrange restraining orders against… anyway, I digress,” he says at my pained expression. “Basically, since you arrived back in his life he’s changed.”
“He hasn’t.” I shake my head.