Chapter 52 That's gross
Natte and I are laying facing one another in the darkness, the shine of the moonlight coming in through the huge hotel window, as we stare at each other. I feel so free and I composed I don't even think about Pine and every guilt I normally feel everytime I sleep with Natte
“Do you still dip your fries in your milkshake?” he asks.
We’re talking food. We’ve been talking nonsense for the last hour, my tiredness faded long ago with the sex, and I’m loving it. I’m loving him.
Maybe because Natte is like Pine they both have huge bodies and both are older than me.
“Of course,” I grin.
“You still know that’s gross don’t you?”
“Yep, but I don’t care because I love it.”
“You always were a weird case.”
“Ditto.” I pull my tongue out at him.
“Yeah, but I always pulled off the weird in me way better than you did. I made it appear cool to others.”
“Ahh, so I guess I should get some tips from you then on how to be the bomb.”
“Most definitely. I have a few tricks up the sleeves from my generation you know. And I’ve got plenty of tips I can give to you that will raise your cool points in no time.” He runs his fingertip down the length of my nose. A finger of which has just been doing all manner of naughty things to me, not short of an hour ago.
It makes me shiver inside.
“Hmm, I just bet you have since you think I am that old Shia.”
He teasingly pinches my nose before kissing my eyes.
A question is buzzing around in my head. The one I’ve wanted to ask him since I first saw him in that hotel room for the interview. And I placate him first by returning a few kisses , I see him cool down before I ask him considering it is a sensitive topic to him.
I take a deep breath in. “Why did you stop calling and writing?”
He stares at me for a long moment.
“I was opportunistic and, selfish and stupid, and I hated how much I had feelings for a young girl, your just fifteen and I actually missed you once I’d left. I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone as much as I did you, then. And every time I spoke to you on the phone or got a letter from you, it hurt just that bit more. Then I met Bonny and we started up the band, and my old life of having you around, all just seemed so very far away. I still missed you, but the ache had started to dull and I knew if I kept in touch it would just rake all those bad feelings up, so I decided to stay away.”
I run my fingertips along his jaw. He takes hold of my hand and kisses my fingers.
“Why didn’t you ever get in touch with me once the band got big?”
I sigh. “For that very reason. You’d stopped calling and writing to me, and it had been so long, I didn’t want you to think I was only getting in touch because you were famous.”
“I wanted you to. I thought about you often. Wondering what you were doing.”
“So why didn’t you find me then? It’s not like you couldn’t have. You’ve sure got the resources.”
I feel a wave of anger. If he’d got in touch two years ago, we’d have got together then, and I would never have met pine. And I wouldn’t be in the mess I’m currently in.
He presses his lips together. “I was afraid to.”
Those four words send shivers spiralling through me.
“Why?”
He sighs. “In the beginning I was too absorbed in the band to care about anyone or anything. And I was mostly high not the best person to be around at times.” He pulls in a breath. “Then we hit the big time and things were pretty wild. Then Bonny died, and…” He pauses as if gathering composure. I can see how much it still hurts him, even now.
“Everything just fell apart. Dennis and Tim were a mess, and they were looking to me to somehow fix it for them. And I just didn't know how to. For a while back then, I didn't think the band would make it.”
He grimaces at the memory.
“That was one of my lower points, shia. And then I realised that Bonny had been my glue, and then it hit me just how much he reminded me of you… you and him were similar in so many ways. And I’d relied on him, like I had you for all those years to keep things straight for me.”
“When I moved away from Texas to London, the very first thing I did, without realising, was go looking for another version of you. It just happened to be Bonny,” he shrugs.
“And through all the grieving for him, all I could think about was you. But we’d been apart for seven years and I didn’t know how to get in touch. I wanted to, so badly, but I just kept thinking you’d moved on, and what if you didn’t want to see me… I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you all over again, so I bottled it. And when you walked in that hotel room, I just…”
He runs his fingers through my long hair, brushing it over my shoulder. And I just enjoy his touched even more.
“I just couldn’t believe my luck that it was you. Steve had given me the list with the interviewer’s names on that morning, and there was yours, right at the top. I spent the next hour pacing the floor, hoping it would be you, and then there you were, standing before me, looking the most beautiful you ever had, and I knew with absolute certainty I was never letting you go again.”