FIFTY-NINE
**-Indy’s POV-**
Ugh. I’ve a massive headache and I feel nauseous. With my eyes still half-closed, I jump up from bed and hurry towards the bathroom.
“Indy, you’re awake! Wait, where’re you going?” I hear Ryan’s voice, but there’s no time to answer. I hold my head above the toilet and empty my stomach in it. Ugh, gross. The smell of my vomit hits my nose and a new wave is rising. Meanwhile, Ryan arrived in the bathroom and held my hair aside. “Babe, are you OK?”
I roll my eyes, thinking: does this look OK to you? But I don’t say it.
This goes on for a few minutes, but finally I feel relieved and ready to leave the toilet alone. I stand up and smile at Ryan. “It must be the pregnancy. I’m fine now. You can leave, I’ll fresh up a bit and be back in the room in a moment.” Ryan prints a kiss on my forehead, leaving a butterfly-feeling in my stomach, and walks out the bathroom.
I flush my mouth and wash my hands and face. The moment I look in the mirror, I realize I look like shit. I really do. My face is white, I’ve dark circles under my eyes and they look watery. I think about this morning and instantly ‘the rock’ is back on my chest. It feels like I’m carrying more weight than I can and I’m finally understanding my wolf Buwan when it comes to Raki. She was right all this time, Raki isn’t ready to meet me yet and I’m neither ready to meet him. Well, not anymore. If I do, I have to take responsibility for my actions and I just can’t. I feel silly and childish, but it’s the truth. I sigh and try to bring some colour back in my face by tapping on my cheeks. But who am I kidding? I’m not feeling well, I don’t need to look like I do.
So, I walk back to the room and the moment I open the door I stare into many pairs of eyes. Scott, Ryan, Fiona, Lucien and Autumn - probably to make sure I’m alright. “G-goodmorning to you all..” I mumble, while I walk back to the bed.
I’m curious why they’re all here, but I bet it has something to do with this morning. “You want answers, do you?” I ask them, but I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t have much, so I would like to be left alone, please..” I whisper and bury myself under the blankets.
I feel the mattress dipping and enjoy the wave of mint-scent hitting my nose. I smile uncontrollably while Buwan is wobbling her tail in my head. I have to say, the effect the boys have on my body is even more intense now we’re fully mated. And that part I’m enjoying very well. But the worry I feel they have for me, through the bond, is not very pleasant. I wished I could skip that part, I’m having enough of my own feelings and emotions.
“Babe, please. We want you to feel better, we want to understand and help you. And we only can if we know what you’re thinking…” Ryan cuddles against me and I feel his lovely warmth against my back, relaxing my muscles. “We’re all worried about you, you understand that right?”
*I do, I really do..* I mindlink him. *But I’m not sure if I’m ready to answer all your questions. I need time.*
“Lucien thinks she can help you, do you mind?” Ryan asks.
I peak over the blanket and my eyes meet Lucien. Again, I’m very surprised to feel the bond we share due to being blood relatives. She smiles at me, making me feel better without words already. “That’s fine…” I answer.
Lucien nods and walks over to me and sits on the other side of the bed, facing me directly. “Hey sweetheart, do you mind if you sit straight for a bit?” she asks me with her angelic voice.
I climb out of the pile of blankets I was hiding under and give Lucien some space to work with. She’s sitting next to me now and holds her hands against my temples. She starts mindlinking, instead of talking:
*I’m going to help you relax, OK? Do you remember the time in your heat? It will be quite the same.*
I nod, knowing what she means. That was nice. With her touch and voice, she made my body temperature come down and made me feel better in seconds. I close my eyes and wait for her to do her ‘thing’.
*There's a hero*
*If you look inside your heart*
*You don't have to be afraid*
*Of what you are*
*There's an answer*
*If you reach into your soul*
*And the sorrow that you know*
*Will melt away*
I feel tears on my cheeks hearing Lucien singing this to me, and at the same time I’m experiencing the calm feeling Lucien is sending through her hands on my temples. It’s like we’re in our own bubble, I can Lucien’s aura pulsating like soft waves on the beach. She’s overwhelming me with love, calm energy and giving me strength.
*And then a hero comes along*
*With the strength to carry on*
*And you cast your fears aside*
*And you know you can survive*
*So when you feel like hope is gone*
*Look inside you and be strong*
*And you'll finally see the truth*
*That a hero lies in you*
At this point I’m crying in silence, my whole face completely wet from the tears. It’s like Lucien knows how I feel, knows what I need. She’s right: there’s an answer for everything and I’m strong enough to get through this. But that also means I need to face the consequences of my actions and I’m scared. But I need to face Raki, my old pack and also myself. Yes, I know what to do.
Elder Lucien completes this beautiful song of Mariah Carey while I feel the storm inside of me calming down. Lucien gave me new energy, new insights, with just her touch and voice. She’s truly incredible, especially when you’re considering that she’s not even a full werewolf!
I open my eyes and see an exhausted, but smiling Lucien. She wipes my tears away and stands up from the bed. “I think I’m done here..” she says. “.. so if you don’t mind: I’m going to rest. You can call me if I’m needed again.” And she leaves the room.
I now face Scott, Ryan and Fiona and although the boys are trying to hide it, I can tell they’re touched by Lucien’s voice as well. I chuckle, “She’s incredible, right?”
I climb out of the bed to hug Fiona tightly. “Mom, thanks for being you and supporting me. I promise I’ll explain everything to you too, but I want to talk with the boys first. Alright?” I whisper in her ear.
Fiona is hugging me back and gives me kisses on my cheek. “Darling, as long as you know that I’ll always be here for you.. She caresses my hair and then walks away too, closing the door softly behind her.
I smile at Scott and wave him to the bed. “Come, I want you both next to me. It’s easier talking that way. Besides, I want to feel you both very close to me. I’m going to need that…” I climb back in bed and let me get spooned by Ryan, who was still in there. Scott climbs on the other side of me, the place where Lucien was a few minutes ago. He stares into my face and I’m overwhelmed by the love and worry I see in his eyes. I give him a small kiss but Ryan starts complaining instantly.
“Hey.. What about me?”
I poke him in the stomach and chuckle, that silly boy. “I think we should talk… about this morning. I can’t tell I’ve all the answers, but I’ll try giving you as much as you need.” I start. After this statement I start explaining why I left the room and give Buwan control. Ryan is massaging my shoulders while Scott is caressing my hands. They’re silent and just listening, which I really like at the moment.
Without pauses, I tell them all. About the realization I had when I walked back to the packhouse. The guilt I feel, the vicarious pain that Buwan feels for Raki, for not being complete anymore. The emptiness in my heart because Khal’s gone, that cannot be filt anymore. Everything.
“I - I’m doubting myself, you know. Maybe there was more time to discover that darkness in him, maybe I shouldn’t act that rectless. Well, skip that ‘maybe’. It’s never a good thing to act reckless. Anyway: I had that resentment in me, I’ve experienced so much injustice all the time I lived in my old pack! And Khal was the embodiment of all that. Not because he just let it be, as the Alpha, but also because he hurt me the most with his words and rejection. Well, not official rejection - but you understand me.” I sigh, not sure how to say all this. “But that’s just not an excuse, I promised myself and my wolf to give him a chance and I didn’t give him one fully. Soon, everyone expects me to be the next Luna - I can’t act this reckless or without forgiveness. I’m pregnant, for Goddess’ sake! I’m going to have children, teach children. How am I a good example for them?” I start crying again, overwhelmed by my emotions.
“Shhhh….” Scott says. “... you'll be an awesome mom, I know for sure! Everyone makes mistakes, *babae*, it’s about how you coop with them. Besides, we will love you to the moon and back - with all your good ánd - slightly - bad things. And to be honest: I’m not sure if Khal would’ve survived that night, either. I can’t speak for Ryan, but I’m very certain he’s feeling the same: I was close to ripping his head off myself, because he was talking to you that way. Any wolf would feel this way when somebody talks to their mates in such a way. But I do think it’s good you’re feeling these emotions right now and we need to find a way to let you process them.”
I close my eyes, feeling the love of my mates all around me. “But I think I should talk with Raki and my old pack. I need to explain what happened, just in all honesty. I’m not going to hide what I did, neither am I leaving out what Khal said or did. They deserve the full truth, and I need to make sure they get it.
Yes, I know exactly what to do now. Rather today than tomorrow…
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Author's note: *Thanks for reading, dear people! I want to share with you that Indy's story has reached over 100k views! I can't describe how much I appreciate your time and support. Again: THANKS for all your love and support! X-B.*
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