Chapter 43

We don't talk about mothers. It's a painful, unspoken pact that weighs on my chest. Part of me wants to know more about his. It wants to know how he made his pasta or what bedtime story he liked to tell her. What his voice sounded like and what it smelled like. The other part knows it's not something Travis would talk about easily so we don't. We do other things instead. I work Monday through Friday and I stay at his place most of the time. Dad says he doesn't mind. He's glad we get along, even though he still feels like something's wrong. He knows from the psychologist who denied him training at the academy that he's a man with violent tendencies. So he asks me every time we see each other if everything is okay and how we're getting along. If he's ever raised his voice at me. I don't tell him that we sometimes fight so badly that I feel like we're capable of strangling each other. For stupid reasons. I don't tell him that in the end we have sex as if the world would end tomorrow. That our relationship is based on dynamism. That there will always be a struggle for control. That we are equal and the same and that we are stubborn like two idiots sometimes. On the other hand, I don't tell him about the messages that I still exchange with Hades. We don't see each other. We don't talk on the phone. We write messages, that's all.

I'm at the office. I'm preparing files for a meeting with David, although I work more with Travis than with him. David has his own secretaries. David does things his own way. Delilah comes in sometimes too. Like now. I see her, no, I hear her. I recognize the sound of her footsteps, although she's not the only one in heels. I see her, as a slim, tall figure. She's wearing a top and elegant pants. A jacket. She's not alone today. Hades is with her.

"Your man is snoring in the morning," Maria informed me.

Since I've been here, whenever I talk about Travis, I call him "my man." I know I'm joking, playfully, but I can't help but wince every time I hear the expression. I nod and leave. I know he's tired. He hasn't slept well for a few nights. I go to the kitchen and make him some coffee. When I enter his office, his sister and brother-in-law are in the front seats.

"Can I get you something?"

I put the coffee next to him. They both refused.

"Stay", Delilah asks.

I have work to do. Travis still holds my hand, as if begging me to do it. I can't be in the same room with both of them. I can't act normal with Travis if Hades sees me. It makes me feel guilty even though Travis feels normal around me. I stand with my hand on his shoulder. He asks me to sit in his arms but I refuse. I wait.

"Delilah is pregnant," Travis announced to me.

I think he feels my fingers tightening around his shoulder.

"Oh! Ah… Congratulations!" I'm stuttering. "Congratulations. It's… Good news. Very good."

The hunt. The feast. The dead people. I'll have to participate!

"Carry the name on," Hades smiles. "Sure, Apollo feels like he's too young to be a grandfather. David and Ted though... Especially Ted... He can't wait."

"Did Mina know?" I find myself asking.

Delilah shook her head.

"No. Actually, we wanted to organize a family dinner to tell everyone. We wanted to… Do you mind if I invite your parents?"

"Both of them?" I flinch.

She approves. I hesitate. I bite my lower lip. Okay. I give in.

"Have you thought of a name?" I sit in Travis' arms. "How far along are you?"

"Two months. And still not. You know, tradition is… I think I should reread Greek mythology."

I laugh with her. I move my hand over the one of the man who is holding me. I stop it on my thigh before it goes up. I intertwine my fingers with his.

"In mythology, Hades has children," I'm trying to give him an idea. "Girls I think. But if it's a boy you can always focus on a hero or... I don't know. Achilles was "the best of the Greeks". There's also Hector who was practically his image. Or Orpheus. I loved Orpheus. Uhh, there's Pandora. All the Olympian gods and titans. You find it. You don't have to read all the mythology, you just have to read a few stories if you want. Or I can help you."

"Is your turn now."

I feel like Hades wants to torture me. Otherwise, why would he ask something like that, right? I squirm next to Travis. It's his turn to clench my fingers.

"Why? Are you in a hurry to have nieces or nephews?"

He's making fun of him.

"Hey! We're friends. I'm just saying that your wife is no longer the little girl she was at the beginning. And that maybe it's time to start thinking… Although you know better."

I haven't had my period in three months, but he doesn't know that. He doesn't know that my weight fluctuates and that there are days when I can't eat. Does he really think my body is capable of sustaining a pregnancy right now? Is he an idiot?

"It's Time," Travis replies casually. "We were actually getting ready to… you should hurry if you want to catch Dad before he gets into the meeting. You know how it is, right Lily?"

He practically throws them out. And they understand that as clearly as I do. I wait. I wait. I wait for him to come out, to sip his coffee. I know he has something to say. I've come to know him so well.

"Yes?" I encourage him.

"I'm only going to ask you this question once," he announces. "The only answer that can upset me is a lie, okay? I want the truth. Do you still have feelings for him?"

I don't think for even a second.

"I don't know," I confess. "I honestly have no idea."

He looks at me carefully, I think he wants to understand if I'm lying or not. He sighs and finally approves, a sign that he believes me. He moves his hand closer to my waist and kisses my shoulder. He leans his forehead against it.

"Are you okay?" I ask him.

He motions for me not to move.

"I'm tired."

"I made you coffee."

"Not like that," he laughs and pulls away. "Hades tires me. His simple existence and this stupid luck he's always had."

I don't know what to say to him. I shift around until I can see him better. I take his fingers in my hand and look at his wedding ring. At mine.

"You have me," I whisper softly. "And you will always have me. Hades isn't lucky, he just hides his pain better."

"You?" He asks as if that's all he hears.

"Me. Even if, let's say, the whole... That this marriage won't work out in the end, let's face it, Travis you were there for me in the worst moments of my life. Of course I'll be there for you whenever you need me", I run my fingers over his jaw and outline it without being sure why I'm caressing him now. "I don't like your face," I whisper, wanting to straighten up, to let him know that our conversation means nothing.

I gasp when he shifts, when he lifts me up quickly, and when I feel the desk beneath me almost knocking my laptop off it. Our sex is never romantic. It's never about warm feelings. It's never exactly ethical. I feel his hand moving up my thigh. Our sex is intense. I have a bruise high up on my thigh from last night. I know that's what he's looking at when he pushes my skirt up.

"Repeat," ask softly. "But this time don't make it sound like you want me deep inside you. Repeat Kassie. Tell me you don't like my face. That it disgusts you if you want to…"

"It doesn't disgust me."

He laughs. He laughs like he doesn't believe me.

"No," he snorts.

"Travis! Damn it," I whisper to myself. "I didn't say that," he defends himself and lifts me up to hold him close to me. "You like putting words in my mouth," I sigh when I realize he's having fun, that he's teasing me.

He runs his index finger over my lower lip. He smiles. I open my mouth and want to bite when he reads me and pulls back. He smooths my hair before grabbing it tightly. He leans down and kisses me.

"I like how you stress out to please me," he confesses.

"Idiot," I'm keeping him away from me.

"Well, well…" he's coming closer again. "Don't be mad at me. You know I just want to…"

"Since when do you use foundation?" I stop him when he wants to come closer to me again.