Chapter Twenty-Four

The office was nice and bright, the walls a crisp white with an ultra-modern glass and metal desk cutting the room in half, a white bookshelf built into the wall on one side, huge windows on the other. A potted Lady Palm sat in one corner and several ferns perched on the window sill.

Nothing about the room even hinted at the sport. No, that wasn’t true. There was one picture on the bookshelf of Landon as a teen on the ice in his Bulldogs uniform among about a dozen school photos of Casey. But the office could easily belong to a lawyer. An accountant.

I thought she loved the game. What else was I wrong about?

Zach waited patiently by the closed door as Becky held up her finger, finishing up the phone call she’d been on when he came in, her eyes on her desktop screen. The air conditioning chilled his damp skin as he observed her, but he ignored the cold. Actually, he felt a little numb. She’d only glanced up at him once, and she couldn’t seem to meet his eyes as she mouthed, “One second.”

How had this happened? How had things gone so wrong between them? The sinking sensation that had sucked him under after their last scene pulled at him, but he wrenched himself free. No matter how often he mentally went over that scene, he couldn’t find anything he’d done that would have made her want to get away from him. Until she told him what had driven her, he wouldn’t speculate.

Becky hung up the phone, glanced at him again, then stared at her desk. “Can you please sit down?”

He was so tempted to say “No.” He’d rather stand. But his need to make her comfortable, to make it easier for her to open up to him, prevailed. He pulled out one of the leather and metal chairs angled in front of the desk and sat.

Then he leaned forward, forearms braced on his knees. “What’s going on, Becky?”

“I . . . I ran. I was confused and I should have talked to you.” She turned her head to the side, still not looking at him, and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Why though? What did I do?” He sat up a bit, hands on his knees, forcing himself not to stand and start pacing. Let her explain, Pearce. “You asked to speak with me. I’m listening.”

She winced. “I’m not sure how to tell you this. It’s . . . I guess it started when I saw Casey with my brother. God, the way she looks at him with Amia, it just breaks my heart. Part of me knows that the only father she’ll ever really have is whatever man I’m with. And I have to be so careful about who I choose.” Her brow furrowed. “You’re amazing with her, but I can’t help but feel it’s too soon to expect you to take on that role in her life.”

He had a hard time not dwelling on the “it started when”—which implied before their last scene, but he managed. He knew how important Casey was to her. That was never an issue. He took a deep breath and nodded slowly. “Did you feel like I was pressuring you? I’ve tried to be careful when I’m around her. To be no different than any other player she might spend time with. If I’ve overstepped—”

“You haven’t. Zach, you’ve been perfect.” Becky finally met his eyes and shook her head. “That’s the problem.”

Zach blinked. “What?”

She put her hands over her face, groaning with frustration. “It’s not you. It’s me . . . ugh. That came out wrong. I love you, and it was so easy to see our future together. But then I had to consider how that would work out for Casey. I got over the game being an issue. It’s your job. It’s part of you. Casey watched almost every Cobra game last season, and I think she’d understand you not being around because you’re playing. But . . .”

He had a feeling he knew where this was going. His gut twisted and he felt a little sick. If he was right . . . he ground his teeth. “Go on.”

“Scott. I saw how you were with him after the cruise. But to be honest, I think the two of you becoming serious bothered me before that. I even . . . I talked to him and I made sure he knew I was okay with you sleeping together. Because I hoped that would be it. That you could have sex with him once in a while and—”

“What?” Zach practically knocked over his chair as he stood. He didn’t shout, but he was tempted. “What did you say to him? And why did you tell me you were fine with it—?” He groaned. How stupid could he have been? She’d mentioned that things didn’t have to be serious between him and Scott. Because she’d figured Scott could be an outlet. For what? His “gay” urges? Did she really think he could just use Scott that way? “Becky . . . I love Scott. Do you understand that? I thought I made it clear that I don’t just fuck people. That I wouldn’t be involved with him—or you—unless there was more than sex.”

“You did. But you were with him and I didn’t want you to feel you had to hold back for me.”

“I was holding back for me. Yes, part of it was for us because I’ve seen you together. I didn’t want him to hurt you, but I never thought . . .” Zach ran a hand over his face, repeating slowly, “What did you say to him?”

“I told him I was okay with it . . . no, actually, I encouraged him to go after you. I already apologized to him for what I said.” She spoke in a rush. “It wasn’t right. He means more to you. To me. And I—”

“What exactly did you say to him?”

Becky’s throat worked as she swallowed. She hugged herself, the tendrils of hair that came loose from her bun hiding her face. “I said something about it not always needing to be a full-course meal. That you needed a snack.”

“You called him a snack? You . . .” Breathe, Pearce. He kept his tone cautiously level. “Is that how you see him? Is that really what you think I need?”

“No. But I was afraid you couldn’t love us both. And if you did, he’d do something to—” She shook her head and sat up straight. “There’s no excuse for what I did. And you have every right to be angry. But—”

“I’m not angry. I’m very, very disappointed. I thought you could be honest with me and you weren’t.” His lips thinned. “But there’s more. This all happened before our scene. You seemed fine when I came back from the cruise. Only, you weren’t, were you?”

She blinked fast. Shook her head. “No.”

He pressed his fist against his mouth, inhaling through his nose. “You put on a good act. When did you decide you were going to leave?”

Her words were so quiet, he had to stop breathing to hear her. “When you told Scott there was more.”

“And that changed how you felt about me? About whether or not I could be the man for you—be the man your daughter needs? Do you really think I’m so limited that caring for Scott would make me love either of you less?”

“I don’t think that—not anymore. But I did. I can accept coming second—or even third—in your priorities.” She stood, clasping her hands in front of her skirt, moving like she wanted to come to him, but wasn’t sure she should. “I can’t accept that for Casey.”

Why not say so then? He didn’t understand. Apparently, her feelings had changed, but the fact remained that she’d sooner leave and cut him out of her life completely than have a simple conversation. And maybe they could work on that. Do things differently from this point on. Except . . .

“You’d decided to leave before I tied you up. Before I . . .” He ran his tongue over his teeth and glared at the ceiling. A good act? How about the performance of a lifetime? He considered himself an observant, attentive Dom. He might as well have blindfolded himself before taking the flogger to her. “Do you realize you have triggers because you’ve played with ‘Doms’ who didn’t care if you were scared, or hurt, or not in the mood to be fucked? I have done everything in my power to avoid being one of them.”

“You’re not, Zach!” She approached him then, reaching out, but he couldn’t let her touch him. Couldn’t let her think anything she said would make this okay. A tear spilled down her cheek, and it took all his strength not to pull her into his arms as she hugged herself. “You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to.”

“You lied to me, Becky. Again and again. Not only with your words, but with your body.” He saw her again. Bound. Exposed. Helpless. He’d pushed her limits, thinking she trusted him. But she didn’t. And he had no reason to trust her. “I’m scared for you, Becky. You seem to think a sub’s responsibility in a scene ends the second a Dom chooses her to play with. But you can’t simply let things happen to you. The way you play is downright dangerous.”

“But I trust you, Zach! I wouldn’t have done anything with you if I didn’t!”

He gave her a hard look. “First of all, don’t shout at me. You aren’t right because you speak louder. Second, you don’t trust me or you would have been honest about your feelings.”

“So that’s it? You’re done with me?” She let out a broken sob. “I love you. I made a mistake. Tell me how to make this right.” When he didn’t answer, she dropped to her knees in front of him. “Please, Sir. I—”

“Get up.” He held out his hand, pressing his eyes shut as she placed her wrist in it like a sub giving over control. He couldn’t handle her doing that right now. He pulled her to her feet. “You only kneel to me when my collar is around your neck. And I can’t say when I will put it there again.”

“Sir—”

“Zach. I can’t be your master, Becky.” Damn it, he couldn’t stand to see her crying. And he didn’t want to let her go. He should. If he was smart, he would. Screw that. “Shh. Tell me what you want. You’ve told me what you’ve done, and why, but not what you want from me now.”

“I ruined everything.” Her whole body shook as she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her forehead against the center of his chest. “I want another chance. I want you to forgive me. But I have no right to ask that of you. No one would blame you for walking away from me.”

“I can’t do that. I still love you.” He kissed her hair. As a Dom, he knew letting this go was wrong. But as a man, all he saw was the women he loved, coming back to him. “I gave Scott another chance. Do you really expect me to give you any less?”

“Scott . . . you have to know I don’t want you to give him up. And before you argue that I shouldn’t make it okay to make you happy, I want to make this very clear. I tried to pretend that I accepted him for you, but there’s something between me and him.” She tipped her head back, fine lines forming around her eyes. “I don’t know what it is, but I’m done trying to figure out how it fits with my role as a mother. Because I’m more than a mother. Casey doesn’t need to know everything I do. She won’t be calling you both Daddy.”

“She doesn’t have to call either of us ‘Daddy’ for us to be there for her.”

“Right. So . . . if it’s not over—”

“It’s not over.” Zach managed a thin smile. He wasn’t sure what they had anymore, but he wasn’t ready to give up on it completely. “You were saying?”

“Can we try this? The three of us?” She sniffed and swiped away her tears with an impatient gesture. “I think we can make it work.”

“So do I.” Zach cupped her cheek in his palm, studying her face as he spoke. Which might be pointless. She was very good at hiding how she really felt. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Scott. Your relationship with him doesn’t revolve around me. I believed that you were comfortable with me moving forward with him, and I have. Feel free to do the same, at your own pace. I won’t tell you what to do with him, but I’ll always be here if you need to talk to me. And I hope you will.” He paused. If she was going to have a relationship with Scott, she had to know it wouldn’t be easy. “He’s shared a bit about his past. The interview where he spoke about his foster sister. He told me about his brother’s gambling addiction once when he was drunk. But there’s more he isn’t ready to share yet. He says he wasn’t abused, but . . . I’m not sure I believe him. Something happened to him. He might not even remember it, which would explain a lot.”

“He needs you. I don’t think anyone’s ever cared enough to see that there’s a reason for the way he acts.” She frowned. “Actually, I never considered it, and that makes me feel like even more of a bitch. I did stories on him, exposing all his antics because the viewers loved it. I . . . I only ever refused to dig deeper when it came to you. I respected what you did for Luke.”

“I can handle bad press. I have a brand-new, solid contract that should keep me with the team for years. Scott’s future with the team is still uncertain. If we’re going to be with him, we need to help him get through this. He’s so close, but . . .” Zach shook his head. “One wrong move could ruin his chances.”

“We’ll make sure he behaves.” Becky smiled as though relieved that they’d found some common ground. There was hope in her eyes. “So . . . are we okay? Maybe after I finish we can—”

Not yet. It’s too soon. This time he was the one who couldn’t meet her eyes. “I have a meeting with my agent in an hour. Then I’m going to the food shelter with Ramos. Tonight’s no good.”

“Oh.” Becky moved away from him. “I have a busy week too. We can always meet at the club this weekend and—”

“No.” Zach sighed. He wouldn’t react to her dishonesty with more of the same. He had to be up-front with her. “Becky, I’ll need some time before I can play with you again. To make sure we have the trust we need to explore the lifestyle.”

“Will we ever?” Becky tucked her hair behind her ears, the pallor of her skin even more apparent with the black smudges of mascara under her eyes. She looked worn out. “Do you think I can regain your trust?”

He nodded, taking her hand and bringing it up to his lips. He kissed her knuckles, praying it would be enough to let her know the situation wasn’t hopeless. Because he couldn’t give her more right now. “If you really understand why pretending everything all right when it’s not is a problem? Yes. But I need to see you being honest, Becky. Be open with me about your feelings. And give me some time. It’s not just my trust in you that’s been shaken.”

“It isn’t?” Her eyes widened. She frowned. “Did Scott—”

“Not Scott.” He took a deep breath and released her hand. “Myself. However well you hid your fears from me . . . I can’t help but think I would have noticed if I’d been paying more attention. If I hadn’t been so confident in my ‘skills’ as a Dom.” As he spoke, it became clear to him that he wasn’t entirely blameless. Maybe she’d been right all along. Maybe he’d been lying to himself about how much he’d wanted Scott from the beginning. And if he couldn’t be sure of his own feelings, how could she? “If we ever play again I need to—”

“If?” Becky shook her head. “Zach, this is something we both need. Are you going to scene with someone else?”

Zach let out a bitter laugh. At this point, the last thing on his mind was playing the Dom again. “Not without supervision. But if you want to go to the club, I won’t object. Just . . .” He rolled his shoulders as the muscles within drew taut. He hated the idea of her sceneing with another Dom, but he wouldn’t force her to go without the release she needed just because he couldn’t give it to her. “Just be careful.”

“I don’t want anyone else, Zach.” Her cell phone buzzed on her desk. She checked it, then pressed ignore, keeping her gaze on it as she spoke. “I want you.”

He had no idea what to say to that. This would take some time to process. So he stepped up to her and kissed her cheek. “You should get back to work. I’ll give you a call when I’m free. Maybe we can go to a movie or something this weekend.”

“Zach . . . ?”

“Yes?” He paused, hand on the door, and glanced back at her.

The pleading in her eyes cracked the cement shell encasing his heart, leaving his once solid defenses nothing but dust. If he stayed any longer, he might let her talk him into just about anything, if only to see her smile again.

Tough it out. You can’t be the Dom she needs. Not yet.

“Becky, you have to work and I have to see my agent. I can’t—”

“I love you.” She wrapped her arms around her ribs, looking down. “That’s all I wanted to say.”

He swallowed and managed to smile. His pulse pounded hard in his skull. “I love you too.”

But when is love ever enough?

* * * *

For about half an hour, Scott had totally immersed himself in playing Red Dead Redemption on the Xbox 360 hooked up to the flatscreen TV in the lounge. But the second the door behind him opened, he let the poor bastard he’d been trying to save hang. He dropped the controller on the cushion behind him, twisting around to watch Zach picked up his bag and turn to leave.

“Uh . . . do you need to talk or something?” Scott stood and walked around the sofa, not sure what to make of Zach’s distant expression. He didn’t looked as bad as he had that day he’d dropped, but it was damn close. “Or we can go out for supper.” Scott slapped his stomach, trying to keep things light. “I could use some advice on how to lose all this flab.”

Zach’s brow rose, his steady gaze clearly saying “Are you serious?” Then he shook his head. “Not tonight, Scott. I’m sorry I had you wait, but I really need some time to myself.” He pressed his lips together, clenching and unclenching his fist at his side. “If anything, you should go make sure Becky’s all right.”

Aw, fuck. “You didn’t dump her, did you? I told you to—”

“I didn’t dump her. I asked for some time.” Zach’s eyes narrowed. “Why didn’t you tell me she called you on the cruise? That’s why you were drinking that night, isn’t it? Because of what she said?”

Scott rubbed the back of his neck, thinking fast. Had he somehow screwed things up for them? Wait, when did I sign up for full disclosure? He stared back at Zach, his brow furrowed. “So let me get this straight. Me and Becky can be together, so long as we provide transcripts to every conversation?”

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying? Yeah, we talked. She made sure I knew she was okay with everything.” Scott shrugged. “Nothing wrong with that far as I can tell.”

Zach tipped his head back and groaned. “Damn it, Scott! She told you it was okay for me to fuck you! She implied that it would be nothing more, and it bothered you—you didn’t think that was something I should know?”

“It is okay for you to fuck me. She didn’t tell you to stop, did she?” Scott was a little confused. After his discussion with Becky earlier, he doubted she’d do that, but who knew anymore? “I thought me and her were good.”

“She called you a fucking snack. You’re more than that.”

“You’ve made that perfectly clear, and I’m happy with where things are going with us.” Scott rolled his eyes as Zach made a frustrated sound and disappeared into the hall. He followed after a few seconds, making sure there was no one around before he shouted, “I’m missing something here! I’m supposed to be okay with you leaving her over something this stupid?”

Dropping his bag by the garage door, Zach strode back up to Scott and latched on to his shoulder, giving him a hard shake. “If you had said something like that to her, if you made her feel like that, I’d fucking knock you on your ass. All I did was ask her for some time.”

“And what would you do if I hurt her and left you to pick up the pieces?” Scott shoved Zach’s hand off his shoulder. “All because of something she said? To me?” He let out a sharp laugh. “I’m a big boy. And I’ve had people call me worse. Get over it.”

“It’s not that simple. She wanted to leave me before the scene we did. She wasn’t honest with me and—” Zach scraped his nails over his scalp. “I don’t expect you to understand. Do what you want.”

“Always do, buddy.” Scott retreated a few steps, not liking the idea of letting Zach leave all pissed off. Zach had told him that his relationship with Becky was between the two of them. He guessed that worked both ways. If Zach and Becky had issues, maybe he needed to let them work it out. And make sure they both knew his door was always open. He spoke before Zach could pass through the garage door. “Hey, Zach?”

Holding the door open with his shoulder, Zach stopped, but didn’t look back. “Yeah?”

“You don’t want me taking off on you, don’t do it to me.” Scott’s lips quirked. “I expect at least a call tonight.”

Zach looked taken aback. But then he laughed. “I’ll call. I promise.”

That felt like a win. Scott ambled down the hall, feeling more than a little pleased with himself. Quite the change, Zach and Becky needing him to be the reasonable one. Not time to celebrate just yet though. He hesitated by the stairs, then changed direction, heading for the elevator. He should conserve his energy. He had a feeling it would be a long night.

And not in a good way.

* * * *

A single tear plopped on Becky’s keyboard. Then another. She rolled her chair away from her desk, blinking fast and swallowing against the urge to break down and sob. If she started, she wasn’t sure she’d ever stop.

Zach might say he’d give her another chance, but she wasn’t sure he could. Things had been so wonderful between them. She’d never forget their time together. And at this point, all she might have was those memories. Because she doubted Zach would ever look at her, ever hold her, the same way again.

What did I do? The sob tore out of her chest and she couldn’t hold it in anymore. What the hell did I do?

Her office door opened and she quickly shot out of her chair, facing the window and drying her tears with her fingertips. Damn it, the last thing she needed was for Mr. Keane to see her like this. Bad enough that she’d taken off for three weeks. She couldn’t help but wonder if he’d let her absence slide because of Landon. Keeping her around might motivate her brother to return to the team, but if she didn’t pull herself together, Mr. Keane could decide she was more trouble than she was worth.

“Becky?”

Oh God. Scott saying her name, his tone rough with concern, smashed through the dam on her emotions like high tide in a storm. Her knees folded and she braced to hit the floor. But he was there before she could fall. His arms came around her and he made a soft, hushing sound, kissing her cheeks a few times before tipping her chin up.

She expected him to claim her lips, but instead he stroked her bottom lip with his thumb and shook his head.

“My tough little woman. I hate seeing you like this. Makes me want to hunt Zach down and drop the fucking gloves.”

A watery laugh escaped her. “You’re not wearing any gloves.”

“You know what I mean.” Scott scowled. “He went too far.”

“No, he didn’t. I did. He’s earned my trust and respect, and I gave him neither. You can’t expect him to be okay with that.” She put a finger over Scott’s lips before he could argue with her, but it was sweet to see he wanted to. “I’ll just have to take your example and prove that I can do better.”

“Oh boy.” Scott drew her toward her desk, dropping onto her chair and pulling her into his lap. He nuzzled his face into the mess of her hair. “If you’re following my example for anything, we’re all in trouble.”

She rested her head on his shoulder, knowing cuddling with him in her office was inappropriate, but not really giving a damn. She hooked her fingers into the collar of his white T-shirt. “And why’s that?”

“You know why. I’m a bad, bad man.” He ran his hand up and down her arm. “You gonna be okay, sweetie? You know this isn’t over, right?”

“What Zach and I had before is over.” She pressed her eyes shut, grateful that the cotton of his shirt soaked in her tears. And that his arms around her made her feel less broken. She let out a weary sigh. “It will never be the same.”

“It will be even better. You’ve got me now too.” Scott laughed and gave her a little squeeze. “Come on, Becky. He’s pissed, but he’ll get over it. And you’re not dealing with this alone. If you really need someone to spank you in the meantime, I’m sure I can manage.” He took a deep breath, shifting uncomfortably as he hardened against her hip. “Time to change the subject. You done here?”

“Yes.” There was no point trying to work anymore, and she wanted to get back to her daughter. Find out how her day went. She might be a horrible girlfriend, and a lousy sub, but at least she could be a decent mother. She checked her watch. Landon had texted her about two hours earlier to let her know he had Casey and she was fine. Made sure to remind her that Dean was expecting her for supper. A few minutes more with Scott wouldn’t hurt though. “Don’t move please. I’m enjoying this.”

“Yeah?” Scott continued running his hand along her arm. Then he snorted. “Carter is such a dumbass.”

Random much? She peeked up at him. “Why?”

“He’s always going on about flowers and candy. His go-to whenever he gets on Jami’s bad side.” Scott pressed her head back down to his shoulder. “Sometimes a woman just needs to be held.”

Who is this man? She sighed as her phone buzzed. Dean wouldn’t be happy if she let her food get cold. He was constantly reminding her not to work too much. To eat properly. She had a feeling Landon had hinted that she sometimes made meals for her daughter and worked at the dinner table while finishing up paperwork. Sometimes her own supper ended up being the next day’s lunch.

Easing off Scott’s lap, she stood and checked her phone. A message from Dean. And from Zach.

Zach: I shouldn’t have left the way I did. But I meant the last thing I said.

She felt Scott come up behind her and leaned back against him as she typed in her reply.

Me: So did I.

Zach: Are you okay?

Me: Yes… She hit send. Then figured if she was going to prove herself, she should let him know she wasn’t alone. Scott’s here.

Zach: Good. Give him a kiss for me. I’ll call you both tonight.

Her face heated. Such a casual response. If it was going to be the three of them, Zach’s request shouldn’t be a big deal, but kissing Scott could lead to a whole lot more. And she couldn’t do that here.

“What is it?” Scott took a step back, watching her face in a way that made it clear he hadn’t read the message. “He’s not still being a dick, is he?”

“No, I was just thinking . . .” She tongued her bottom lip, thinking of a way to distract him from coming down on Zach without sharing the details of their texts. She gathered her suit jacket, her briefcase, and their conversation about Luke came back to her. Glancing over her shoulder, she smirked. “For future reference, blue hydrangeas are my favorite.”

Scott blinked, “Blue what?” He swiped a pen off her desk and held it to his palm. “Spell it? This is gonna be important.”

She shook her head and laughed. “If you don’t remember, I’ll know you aren’t that sorry.”

“Aw, come on!” He grinned, joining her in the hall and waiting as she locked her office door. “Does it count if the flowers are blue?”

“Depends how bad you’ve messed up.” She headed for the elevator, then held her breath most of the way down. Zach wanted her to kiss Scott. Which she couldn’t do without throwing herself at him. Which would give him the wrong impression. Besides, Scott would eventually make a move. Actually, she almost wanted him to. Until he did, she wouldn’t know how to handle it. Their first kiss had made an impact, but hadn’t been anything life-changing. This one would be.

But she ended up standing by her car, pressing her lips together to keep from asking what he was waiting for. Even without knowing what Zach’s message said, Scott had to have seen at least one opening. All those times he’d hit on her, and now he needed an invitation?

His lips twitched with amusement when she faced him, hands on her hips. He spoke as her lips parted. “Mind giving me a lift? Zach kinda left me stranded.”

She frowned at him. “No, I don’t mind, but—”

“Want me to drive?”

“No!” She made an exasperated sound when he went around the car to wait by the passenger side. “Ugh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

He gave her an innocent look. Then slapped his forehead. “Oh, damn. You’re right. Sorry.” Coming back to her side, he took her keys from her hand, unlocked the door, then held it open for her. “Chivalry ain’t dead, babe. It’s just slow.”

He was too cute, with his helmet hair and his mischievous smile. And he was most definitely messing with her. For a split second, she considered the two years she had on him, and the decades of maturity, and wondered if maybe he wouldn’t be better off with a younger woman.

Someone like Sahara.

A little, nasty green thing that reminded her a lot of Gollum hissing about the one ring reared its ugly head. She got in behind the wheel and tried to sound blasé as Scott sat in the passenger seat. “So how’s your girlfriend? Don’t you think you should run this by her before you commit to anything?”

Scott smirked. “Nope. Her, Jami, and Akira just found a new place together. I’ve reclaimed my bachelor abode. It’s awesome. I can be a total slob again.”

She really didn’t like the idea of his living in a messy house. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel and glanced over at him at a red light. “I don’t have time today, but maybe tomorrow—” Not tomorrow, the Cobra’s staff had another meeting. “—or the day after, I can come over and help you—”

“Oh, hell no! When you come to my place, it’s gonna look nice. And I’m cooking you dinner.” He rubbed his chin with his thumb and forefinger. “I hope you like lasagna. It’s one of the few foods I can brag about making pretty good.”

“I love pasta. It’s a date.” She focused on the road as he gave her directions to his condo. When she pulled up in front of it, she watched him get out, nodding and muttering “goodbye” as he collected his bag from the backseat. She was looking forward to their date, but who knew when that would happen? Preparing for the season would monopolize most of their time. She wasn’t sure why it mattered that he still hadn’t kissed her. Was she really that insecure that she needed big displays of affection? Hadn’t he done enough? Hell, the way he’d held her—and even before that, the way he’d listened to her problems . . . he was doing everything right.

But there was that one final line they hadn’t crossed. Not in any way that counted. And she had to go there with him Had to do it just to convince herself this was real. She could get out and tell him Zach had asked her to, but that wouldn’t be the same—

She jumped when he rapped his knuckled on her window.

“Open the door,” he said.

Hand on the door latch, she unbuckled her seatbelt as she opened the door, staring at him as he slid close to her, his hand on her cheek, leaning down with a soft smile on his lips. She swallowed and put her hand over his, trapped in the intensity of his level gaze. Scott didn’t look at her like this. Like she was everything. Like she was the only one that mattered to him. When he undressed her with his eyes, it was down to the skin, not down to her soul.

He’d changed.

“Our first kiss. This is it, Becky. The one before doesn’t count.” He brushed his lips over hers, the brief touch like a lick of flame. “This is ours. It’s not proving anything. It’s not a way to get you naked or to show you can have any man you want. It’s me showing you exactly what you mean to me. For the first time. But not the last.”

A bit of pressure, the slight press of his tongue, and she was his. He pulled her to her feet, held her against him, slanting his mouth and dipping in a little deeper, teasing her tongue with his, smiling against her lips as he tasted her. His teeth tugged at her bottom lip. He explored her mouth as though he could find everything he was looking for in kissing her. Holding her. And that little stopwatch inside her, the one that measured every event, every passing second for its worth, shattered. All that had passed between them from the moment they’d met had come to this. It was like a puzzle piece made of steel, welded into place, fitting just right. Too hot to touch, but already secure. Strengthening as it cooled.

The kiss, however, didn’t cool. He had her standing on the street, her door open wide, stealing her breath and restraint, not letting up even when she whimpered, needing more. She fisted her hand in his shirt, refusing to let him go as the intensity of the kiss lessened. It wasn’t enough.

It would never be enough.

He pressed his eyes shut as his lips left hers, breathing hard. “I don’t want to be good. Responsible. Tell me I don’t have to be. Tell me we can both tell the rest of the world to go to hell and just be together.”

Her brain somehow found its way back into her skull. Fully functional. She could practically see Landon lifting Casey up onto her booster seat and pushing her chair close to the table as Dean fixed her plate, giving her a small helping of the vegetables she hated. She could hear Casey asking about training camp, about how each player had performed like she was a miniature authority on the game. Dean and Landon would nod as she quoted all the sports blogs she looked up every morning, trying to humor her as she took every words as gospel.

And then she would ask “Where’s Mommy?” Becky refused to leave Landon and Dean to make excuses for her. She touched Scott’s cheek. “You are good. And you know ‘the rest of the world’ includes my daughter. I can’t—”

“I wouldn’t ask you to.” He bit the tip of his tongue and shook his head. “Sorry. Me being selfish. Go be a mommy. Her birthday is in two Fridays, right?”

“Yes.” Becky managed to compose herself and settle down behind the wheel. “So you’ll be there Thursday night?”

“I’ll be there.” He held on to her door, bowing his head and letting out a rough laugh. “Cold shower time. Damn, I want to kidnap you—with a blindfold so you won’t notice the mess. I’ll behave when I come to your place. I can’t wait to see what you think of the gift.”

“What is it?”

“You’ll see.” He winked. “Gotta make sure it’s perfect before I bring it over. But I think you’ll like it.” He scratched his scruffy jaw. “I hope she does.”

“She will. One thing I can say about my daughter is she appreciates everything she gets. She’s not one of those kids who unwraps a gift and tosses it aside to get to the next one.” Some of her friends had kids like that. She’d been amazed when Casey was three and she spent so much time admiring a pair of socks with cow print that Becky had to take them away and give her another gift to open. Her grandmother had tears in her eyes as Casey stared, open-mouthed, at the little gold cross she’d been given. Casey was the one who’d privately told Becky later that night to put it away until she was a “big girl.”

“I’ll break it, Mommy. I don’t want to break it,” Casey said.

A gift from one of her heroes would be even more precious. She was happy Scott would be there to see Casey’s reaction. Unless . . .

“You’re not coming early because you can’t be there for her birthday, are you?”

“No way. I wouldn’t miss it.” His eyes gleamed as he gave her a secretive look. “Not a single man on our team will miss her birthday. But don’t tell her. It’s a surprise.”

Becky pursed her lips. What did the men have planned? And why was this the first she’d heard of it? “It’s not my surprise, so why don’t you—?”

Scott shook his head and placed his finger over her lips to quiet her. “I was asked not to. So I won’t. But trust me, she’ll love it.”

“Scott—”

“Hey, you wanna keep pushing, deal with Richter.” He cocked his head. “Actually, that’s not a bad idea. If Zach won’t play with you—”

“Dean is involved with my to-be sister-in-law. Playing with him would be weird.” She wrinkled her nose as she considered exactly how weird. The man shared a bed with her brother. She shuddered. “Don’t even joke about that.”

“All right, got it.” He rested his forehead against hers. “Thursday, latest. We’ll do the text, email, phone call thing until then unless we get some free time.”

“Sounds good.” Actually, it sounded horrible. But their schedules didn’t leave room for more. She planted a smile on her lips. “Get some rest. And if you want a snack, stick to fruit.”

Scott snorted, trailing his fingers down her throat before backing away with obvious effort. “So many ways I could misinterpret that. But I’ll be good.” He stood on the sidewalk, hands in his pockets as she settled behind the wheel. As she pulled out, she glanced at her rearview mirror, and spotted him mouthing something like, “I’ll miss you.”

When she got to Dean’s house, she took her phone out of her purse and texted Scott before going inside.

Me: I’ll miss you too.

Scott: You caught that, huh? Have a great night, babe.

Me: I will. And thank you for being there. It really helped.

Scott: I’ll always be there. <3

Me: Awww.

Dinner was wonderful, as always. Dean cooked better than any man—or woman—she knew. She felt much better about having shown up late when Casey drew her into the conversation about a prospect she’d heard Landon mention without missing a beat. Becky didn’t know much about the young man, but she shared the little she’d read about in the papers. She glanced over at the door a few times as she polished off her spaghetti, not sure whether or not she should ask why Silver wasn’t with them. Amia was fast asleep in her swing close to where Landon sat at the head of the table. He fussed with her light, pale pink baby blanket a few times, but other than that, ate and spoke with the adults in a relaxed way that told Becky he had gotten comfortable with parenting. He didn’t smother his daughter, but she would know he’d never be far.

Him and Dean. She knows their voices, responds to them. But what about Silver? Amia didn’t share the same bond with her mother as she did with her fathers. But now wasn’t the time to bring that up. Not in front of Casey.

But soon.

Finally, talk turned to Casey’s birthday. She gave both Landon and Dean level looks, her tone very serious. “I want a hockey theme for my party, but—and you have to promise not to laugh—everything has to be purple.” She pursed her lips and turned to Becky. “Can we do that, Mommy?”

Becky hesitated, glancing over at the men, not sure what to say. She was fairly certain a local party store would carry Dartmouth Cobra-themed party decorations, but in purple? “I’ll see what I can do, poupée, but—”

“Consider it done, sweetheart,” Dean said, winking at Casey. “I can make a few calls. Your mother and I will discuss the details.”

God, I love this man! Becky smiled at Dean and he inclined his head. He was like the older brother she’d always wanted, perfect for Landon, amazing with Amia, with Casey, and always there for her family. He took everything in stride and handled every situation, with the team, and in his personal life, with dignity and compassion. As she helped Casey tie her shoes by the door, she studied him. He was in the dining room, arguing quietly with Landon about the dishes. She ducked her head to hide a smile as he told Landon he didn’t want him putting too much pressure on his leg.

“But you bitch about me not spending enough time with the physical therapist?” Landon snorted. “You cook. I clean. It’s not up for discussion.”

“Really? I beg to differ,” Dean said, taking a pile of plates off the table.

Landon held his hands out for the plates. “Beg all you want. I don’t reward obstinacy.”

Dean’s lips thinned. “Big word, goalie. You sure you know what it means?”

“Yes, you arrogant, stubborn . . .” Landon paused and glanced over at Becky when she cleared her throat. “Damn it, Dean. I can load the dishwasher. And tidy up. Take care of our daughter while I do it. The doctor said she shouldn’t sleep in the swing for too long. And she needs a bath.”

“We’re leaving!” Becky called out, grinning when Casey giggled. “Bye!”

“I’m sorry, Becky.” Dean carefully lifted Amia from her swing without waking her, carrying her over and smiling as Casey rose up on her tiptoes to kiss the top of the baby’s head. “You know how your brother is.”

“I heard that!” Landon rolled his eyes, his lips curving slightly as he glanced up from wiping down the table.

“You were meant to.” Dean kissed Becky’s cheek, then Casey’s. “Be good for Mommy. I love you, sweetie.”

“I love you too, Uncle Dean.” Casey gave him one of her I-mean-business looks. “And you really need to consider going after Richards. It would be a big mistake for you to let another team grab him.”

“I’ll take that into consideration.” Dean looked at Becky. “All this talk of prospects and birthdays—I haven’t had a chance to ask how you’ve been doing. I hope your time away did you some good?”

“Yes and no. But I’ve figured some things out,” Becky said, kissing Amia’s forehead. “And you? Are you doing well?”

“Yes. Silver’s on some new medication that is helping her quite a bit . . . it makes her tired though. She would have come down to see you otherwise.”

“That’s okay. I’ll see her next time.” Becky bit her bottom lip. “Is she seeing someone about . . .”

Dean shook his head. “Not yet. But we’re working on it.”

“All right, well, let me know if I can help.” Becky took Casey’s hand, said her last goodbyes to Dean and her brother, then headed out to her car. She was worried about Silver, but wouldn’t dwell on it. She was in good hands. And she knew Dean wouldn’t hesitate to call if they needed her.

Once they got home, she and Casey did the bedtime routine that hadn’t changed since Casey was an infant. Bath time, PJ’s, then some mother-daughter chat while Becky brushed Casey’s hair—Casey did most of the talking. Becky read Casey’s current favorite book, Curious George at the Aquarium, for the umpteenth time. Tucked her in. Sang “Ah! Vous dirai-je maman,” as requested. And managed not to cry as she finished the lullaby.

“Daddy wants me to reason, like a grown-up person.” Why that song of all the ones Becky sang to her? Damn it, her little girl wanted a daddy so badly.

And she didn’t have one. Not really. Patrick hadn’t called since before he’d sent Casey home, and that was just to let her know what time his mother would by flying down with Casey. He ignored Becky’s emails telling him how Casey was doing in school. The most recent ones asking if he could make it for her birthday. But Casey didn’t ask about him anymore—she did speak to her Nanny every weekend though. Which seemed to be enough. For now, at least Casey had two loving uncles to partially fill that role.

Over the next two weeks, Becky spoke with Zach and Scott every night. One morning, she opened the door to her office to find a bouquet of blue hydrangeas. She laughed when she read the card, signed by both men.

I remembered the color! Zach finally took mercy on me and told me the name of the flowers.

Xoxo, Scott, Every night I think of you, long after I hang up after speaking to you. Things will be okay.

Love, Zach.

Things would be okay. She had to believe it. Her job and Casey kept her busy enough not to worry too much about not spending time with the men, but . . . there was something missing in her life. Moments when she felt like she was standing in a big, empty room alone. Waiting.

She wasn’t even sure what she was waiting for. Maybe just some assurance that the emptiness wouldn’t last for long. That she still had something to give to the two men in her life.

That they still needed her as much as she needed them.