Chapter 32 XADEN

Chapter 32 XADEN
Chapter 32
XADEN 

“Hey!” Her warm voice forced me to turn to her. She forced a smile, hands curled together, her eyes on me. 

“Hey,” I answered back, calm. “About the other day—-” 

“Me first.” she cut me off, her eyes nowhere else but me. Her eyes held this conviction. 

Since she left my room that day, we haven't as much as brushed past each other. I wasn't sure if I was the one who stayed away or if she was the one who made sure we never crossed paths. 

What I knew was that those two days were hell. Not seeing Sloane, not sure if I should text her, not laughing with her in my private apartment, not watching her mold, not bringing her lunch or sneaking around with her… I felt like my inside was set on fire. It took everything to hold me back from going to her school just to see her face. 

But that wasn't the only hell I experienced. 

Talking to Jasper who hates me for reasons he had refused to tell me and Sloane asking if I was at fault brought back memories. If they simply came as memories I could have kicked them back like I always did but they didn't… they came as nightmares.

If I close my eyes even for a second, everything comes pouring down. Those taunting days. I was dragged to that dark room, tortured, and forced to sign papers that were equivalent to selling my soul and freedom. The death threats. The near-death experience. The days I ran endlessly because those people never stopped coming… they came to me. I found myself waking up, screaming like the world was about to end. I found myself sweating, my heart racing.

I had done nothing to deserve this… I had given so much so why can’t I just forget about it and move on? Why can’t everyone just move on? It took a lot for me to get to where I am right now but why is everyone still dwelling in the past? I just want to forget it and move on. Is my presence not enough? Is my effort to be in their life, to make it up to them… is it not enough? 

I drowned myself in work.. I couldn't see Sloane so I focused on work until Kyle called me and forced me to come to see him at his mother’s place. I wasn't expecting to see the person who had been ignoring me here. Or maybe I was expecting her to be here… maybe I was… Maybe I wish she were here. 

But the look in her eyes right now— I don’t think she is just going to talk. 

“Uhm..” she started, “Did I do something to offend you?” she asked. 

My brows arched, confusion flooded my face, “What are you talking about?” I asked. 

“Since that day… the day you asked me to leave your room… we… You didn't text me.” She stuttered. 

“Sloane…” 

“Wait, let me.” she cut me off again. 

Okay… 

“Jasper is your brother. The only sibling you have, do you really like the way things are between the two of you?” she asked. 

I know she is worried about my relationship but… 

“Do I look like I like the way things are, Sloane?” I grumbled, I could feel my jaw ticking. 

“Then… can you at least tell me what happened?” 

“I don’t know, Sloane. He never told me.” I sighed, “I have asked, begged him, reached out to me, I have done everything but he won’t tell me, what else do you want me to do, Sloane?” 

There was even a time I thought he blamed me for our father’s death and I even went as far as apologizing and promising to be a better brother but I remember him throwing his puck at me. Yelling at me to get out. 

What else was I supposed to do? 

“Then what about me? When will you tell me why you left?” She asked. 

“Sloane—-” 

“What am I to you, Xaden?” The way her voice dropped to a whisper tore something inside of me. It was heartbreaking. 

“Sloane—-” 

“I liked you, Xaden, I liked you so much that I gave a part of me to you and then you left.” she muffled, her voice sounding weak, almost hoarse, like she was holding back from breaking. 

Of course, I knew she liked me… I knew how much she liked me. 

My fist clenched and I found myself lowering my head. 

“Sloane—-I” 

“Is it really hard for you to tell me why you left me?” Her voice was shaking.

I slammed my eyes shut, my throat bobbed, hard. It stung so hard that I felt like I was choking. 

“I waited for, Xaden.” she paused, “Because I knew you. Because I knew you always had a reason for whatever it was you did, Xaden, while I was waiting, every day was hard. Because when I wanted to forget you, I couldn't. When I wanted to move on, attend blind dates, I found myself comparing you with the men that sat in front of me and when I kissed someone, I found myself recalling how your lips tasted and I just couldn't do it but Xaden, I don’t know how much longer I can wait to hear why I had to go through all that pain.” 

I couldn't speak. 

I had a hard time too. I had a terrible time living without her. I found myself trying to go to her when it was hard for me but I couldn't because I had to protect her, because I couldn't let these bastards know there was someone they could use to get what they wanted from me. 

But I always wished that Sloane somehow had it easier than me. Sometimes I found myself telling myself that Sloane was still a kid when I kissed her and would probably have moved on with someone else. But hearing her say all this to my face… I could feel every part of me coming undone. 

“Would you really not tell me, Xaden?” 

I’m scared. 

What if she finds out all the things I had to do to get to where I am today? 

What if she finds out that I am a murderer?