Chapter 20
As usual,the parking situation near Toni’s apartment building was impossible.After several trips around the neighborhood Nolan parked a block away in a fire hydrant zone clearly painted“No Parking.”He figured that since this was a mental health emergency,he was allowed to bend the rules just this once.While he made the quick trip back to Toni’s,he saw her sitting on her front stoop with two cups of coffee and a plate with two cinnamon rolls.
“I saw you circling,”she said,indicating he should take a seat on the step.
Nolan sat on the edge of the step,politely refusing a roll but gladly grabbing up the coffee,warming his hands on the mug.“You spend a lot of time looking out your window,huh?”
Toni nodded.“Tough day?”she asked.
“You have no idea.”
“Tell me.”
“Okay,since we last talked,I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.I realized that all those things I was feeling for Rick were more than infatuation.I had a crush on him!”
Toni nodded,taking a sip of her coffee.
“You knew?”Nolan asked,shocked.
“Of course I knew!I suspected it anyway.What made you realize that’s what you were feeling?”
“After you and I talked,I realized how badly I must have hurt his feelings.I went to apologize to him.I told him everything you and I talked about.I didn’t tell him that we discussed it,I just stuck to the facts.”
Toni nodded.
“So,I told him that I thought it was kinda cool that he thought I was hot.Like,it’s super flattering,you know?”
“Go on,”Toni said.
“We end up out in the garage lifting weights and he is looking at me.You know that certain kinda way?I’ve never had anyone look at me like that.It was really exciting,so then I looked athimlike that for the first time.”
“What made you do that?”
“I don’t know.Curiosity?I was just looking at another man’s body.Like,his eyes said it was okay.I’ve seen tons of dudes in like the locker room or swimming or whatnot,but you always kinda keep your eyes averted.Rick didn’t mind if I looked.”
“Interesting.And you liked what you saw?”
“Well,yeah.His body is so different than mine,but in a really good way.I couldn’t help thinking what it would be like to touch his chest.To have his arms around me.”
“That’s a pretty big leap,”Toni said.
“Yeah,you’re telling me.I guess it’s like if you’re on a diet your whole life and all you can eat is like lettuce and kale and shit and then someone brings you a brownie.Like,the fresh-out-of-the-oven kind?With hot fudge and nuts?”
“Nuts?”Toni asked with a gleam in her eye.
“Too soon,man,”Nolan said.“Too soon.”
“Okay,so keep going.Don’t stop talking just when we get to the brownie.”
Nolan looked out across the street,lost in thought.His breathing was getting heavier at the memory of the moment.When he spoke again,it was in a much softer tone than before.“Toni,I just don’t know how to describe it.I was just suddenly kissing him.I didn’t,like,decide to.I just couldn’t escape his,like,gravitational pull or something.If I didn’t kiss him in that moment I’d have fucking imploded.I’d have grabbed my face and turned myself inside out.It was,like,inevitable.”
Toni took a healthy bite of her cinnamon roll and scooted closer in fascination.“More.”
“It was just,I don’t know,perfect.It’s what I’ve always wanted and never knew I wanted.I’m like one of those mudskipper things taking a breath of oxygen for the first time after spending my life underwater.Rick is so big and strong and sweet and kind and sexy as fucking hell.I know this sounds crazy after such a short time,but he’s my destiny.I know it,Toni.”
“So,I can guess why you’re here.Can you?”
“What do you mean?”Nolan screwed up his face and leaned back to study Toni’s demeanor.
“Why aren’t you with Rick right now?”
“Well,long story short,I freaked out after we had…after we were together.I came home and Ashley was there,like,inmy apartment and I tried to get back with her because,you know,I was scared of what I really wanted.”
“How did Ashley get inside?”
“Cam let her in.”
“Anyway,that was a disaster.I don’t want to be with her or any girl.”
It was Toni’s turn to look out into the street.A war of unsaid words could be seen being fought just below the surface of her expression.“And then?”
“And then I came home to find Rick there waiting on me and we hooked up again.I told him I was falling in love with him.”
“And are you?”
“Oh God yes,Toni.So bad.”
“Tell me why you’re here with me right now and not with him,”Toni said in a very abrupt tone.
“This morning,I woke up and Rick was getting his stuff and leaving.I ran after him and Cam was in the kitchen all pissed off.I guess he saw his dad and figured out what we doing and kicked him out.”
“And why exactly should Cam care so much?”
“I don’t know.I shouldn’t have messed around with his dad,I guess,but I figured he’d be cooler than that.”
“You’re such a dumb ass sometimes,Nolan.”
Nolan stared at Toni in open-mouthed surprise.“What do you mean?”
“Every step of the way,there has been an obstacle.Can you see what that obstacle is?”
After a moment’s thought,Nolan asked,“Cam?”
“Ding ding ding.You are correct.Why do you think Cam would get in the way of you two lovebirds?Why does it matter to him so much?”
“Because Rick is Cam’s dad?”
“Noooo.Cam’s in love with you,Nolan!”
Nolan’s surprise caused him to nearly drop his cup.“What?Why would you say such a thing.”
“I’ve been talking to Cam since the party.In fact,he just left here a little bit ago.He came straight here after he figured out what you and his dad were up to.He’s more upset than you are,actually.He’s been in love with you for a really long time and he is super pissed off that you’re into his dad.”
Nolan’s head swam with all of these incongruent pieces of information that Toni had just hurled at him.Cam likes me?How is that even possible?He is into women.Well,so was I until a few days ago,so…
Toni’s steadying hand on his shoulder brought him back to the here and now.
“I know it’s a lot to take in,but you need to know before you hurt him anymore.”
“Hurt him?I’m pretty sure a therapist isn’t supposed to,like,root for someone else.And I don’t think you’re supposed to be telling me all this shit Cam told you.Do you tell him what you and I talk about?”
Toni blushed and said simply,“Yeah.Look,I’m not a therapist,sweetie.I’m just trying to be a good friend.”
“I’ve got to,like,go,”Nolan said,abruptly standing up.
“You going to be okay?”
“I’m not sure.”