Chapter 45 : Every Hesitation
HAYDEN’S POV
The stadium lights were too bright.
That was the first thing I noticed when we ran onto the field. They made everything look exposed—every mistake, every hesitation.
Coach blew the whistle, and we spread out automatically. Muscle memory took over. My legs moved and my lungs expanded. My body did what it had done a thousand times before.
But my head? It was somewhere else.
“Focus, Hayden!” Coach barked from the sideline.
I blinked. The ball rolled past my foot. Damn it.
“Switch on!” Mateo hissed as he sprinted past me to recover.
I muttered an apology and jogged into position, but it felt like I was underwater. My chest was tight for reasons that had nothing to do with cardio.
It was Stephen.
The memory hit me again like it had all afternoon.
His hand fisting in my jersey. His breath warm against my face. The way his eyes had looked…….and then—The kiss.
My stomach flipped.
The ball came toward me again. I trapped it this time, but my pass went wide.
Coach’s whistle shrieked.
“Hayden!” he snapped. “What the hell is going on with you today?”
I jogged toward the sideline, sweat already sliding down my spine even though we’d barely started scrimmaging.
“Nothing,” I said automatically.
Coach stared at me like he didn’t believe that for a second. He had coached long enough to know when someone’s head wasn’t in it.
“You’re two seconds behind every play,” he said, lowering his voice. “That’s not like you.”
“I’m fine.”
He crossed his arms. “Are you sick?”
I hesitated, not physically but Mentally? Maybe.
“Didn’t sleep much,” I muttered.
His eyes softened slightly, but his jaw stayed firm. "Whatever is going on off this field? Leave it there. You want scouts watching you play like this?”
The word scouts usually snapped me into shape.
Today it just made my chest twist tighter. “I know,” I said.
“Then show me.”
I nodded and jogged back in.
For about five minutes, I tried. I really did. I forced myself to track the ball and anticipate runs And breathe in for four, out for four.
But every time I got a second of stillness, my mind betrayed me with Stephen’s voice and Stephen’s hand on my shoulder in the locker room weeks ago. Stephen laughing at something stupid I’d said. Stephen looking at me like he didn’t know what he wanted and that terrified him.
And that moment in his room earlier with the way he had grabbed my face like he was trying to prove something.
I missed another interception.
“Sub!” Coach shouted.
I didn’t argue.
I dropped onto the bench, elbows on my knees, staring at the grass. My pulse wasn’t racing from exertion anymore—it was racing from thoughts I didn’t want.
Was it a mistake?
“Earth to Hayden.”
I looked up. Coach stood in front of me again.
“You’re done for today.” Relief flooded me before I could stop it.
“I don’t feel great,” I said, seizing the excuse. “Head’s pounding.”
He studied me for a second, then sighed. “Go to the dorm, rest. But tomorrow? I need you present.”
“Yeah,” I said quickly. “I will be.”
I grabbed my bag and left before he could change his mind.
The night air was cool, brushing against my overheated skin as I crossed campus. The sounds of the game faded behind me.
Without the noise, my thoughts got louder.
What if he didn’t even remember it the way I did?
What if it was just another impulsive thing he’d shove into a corner and pretend never happened?
The idea irritated me more than it should have.
By the time I reached the dorm building, my stomach felt hollow.
I climbed the stairs slowly. The hallway was quiet except for the hum of fluorescent lights.
As I got closer to our room, I heard something. It was a voice and it was Stephen’s.
I slowed automatically. “I miss you,” he was saying.
I froze. My chest tightened for a completely different reason now.
He was on the phone.
I stood just outside the door, not meaning to eavesdrop but not walking away either.
“I don’t care if you slept with Hayden.”
My heart stopped. I went completely still.
There was a pause, then his voice again, rougher this time. “I don’t care.”
Something about the way he said it told me that he absolutely did.
Heat crawled up my neck. So that’s what this was.
He wasn’t spiraling because of me. He was spiraling because of her. Of course.
My jaw clenched, but I didn’t move.
“You don’t even trust yourself,” a faint voice said through the door.
Then….a metallic clang. I flinched and another crash.
“What the hell?” I muttered under my breath.
The sound echoed down the hallway. Something heavy hitting metal, again and again.
“Stephen?” the girl’s voice carried faintly.
Then another bang which was louder. My irritation evaporated instantly, replaced with something concern.
“Stephen, stop!” the voice on the phone shouted.
There was a sudden crack, like something shattering and then silence followed.
I didn’t think anymore. I pushed the door open.
Stephen was on the floor by the wall, back pressed against it. His phone lay a few feet away, screen spiderwebbed with cracks. His knuckles were red and already swelling and he was crying.
His shoulders shook slightly. His head tipped forward. One hand dragged over his face like he was trying to hide it, even though no one was supposed to be there to see.
The sight hit me harder than anything else today.
“Stephen,” I said quietly.
He looked up fast, like he’d been caught doing something shameful.
For a second, pure panic flashed across his face, then it turned to anger and something that looked dangerously close to humiliation.
“How long have you been standing there?” he demanded hoarsely.
“Long enough,” I answered.
His jaw tightened. “Get out.”
I stepped fully inside instead, closing the door behind me.
“Your hand’s bleeding,” I said.
“I said get out.” But there was no real bite behind it.Just exhaustion.
I walked over and picked up his phone. The screen flickered weakly. Ella’s name was still there but the call has ended.
I set it on the desk and crouched down in front of him.
“You didn’t care, huh?” I said softly before I could stop myself.
His eyes flashed. “Shut up.”
“You care so much you punched a railing.”
“I said shut up!”
His voice cracked on the last word. That broke something in me.
“You don’t have to pretend in front of me,” I said.
He let out a shaky laugh that didn’t sound amused at all. “Yeah? That’s funny. Considering.”
Our eyes locked and the air shifted.
That moment from earlier hovered between us again.
“You think this is about you?” he asked bitterly.
“I think you don’t know what this is about,” I shot back.
Silence fell. His breathing slowed gradually, but his eyes stayed glassy.
“She’s moving on,” he said finally, staring past me.
“I waited too long.”
I swallowed. “Yeah.”
“And now I look pathetic.”
I hesitated. “You don’t look pathetic.”
He gave me a look that clearly said he didn’t believe that.
I stood and held out a hand to him. “Come on.”
He stared at it like it was a foreign object. After a second, he took it.