Chapter 82 We need to talk
Ryan
My entire world was balancing on this one point. Everything we had survived, every twisted turn of our story, it had all led to this simple, terrifying question.
“Will you marry me?”
I looked up into her face, searching for something, anything, in her eyes. But she was just staring past me, into nothing. Her lips parted, but no sound came out.
‘Just breathe, Ryan. Breathe.’
I waited. The silence stretched, each second a small forever. Why wasn’t she speaking?
“Saraphina? Say something. Please.”
“Ry… I… I don’t know what to say.” The words stumbled out, and she pulled her hand from mine.
The action sent a hard, sick feeling straight through my gut.
“Then just say yes,” I said, pushing myself up from the floor.
But she was shaking her head.
“Ryan… you’ve lost your mind. We can’t just do something like this.”
“Why not?” My voice was rising. “We’re adults. We’re not blood. Soon, we won’t be connected in any way at all.” I thought saying it like that might get a smile, but she was just frozen, completely locked in shock. “And I love you, Saraphina. I love you so fucking much. So if you love me, if you still feel anything for me, then just say yes.”
She was looking at me, but it was like she was seeing straight through me. I could almost hear the frantic whirl of thoughts behind her eyes.
‘Please. Just say yes.’
“No,” she breathed out, the word almost a whisper.
“What?” I couldn’t have heard that right.
“Ryan, I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.”
“No.”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“God damn it!” I cursed, running a hand through my hair. “Why are you making this so difficult?”
“Did you hear yourself? You’re asking me to marry you!”
“I know that,” I said, giving her a look. “It’s because I want to marry you! I want to wake up with you for the rest of my life. I don’t give a shit where we are or what we’re doing, as long as I’m with you. We can figure this out.” I forced myself to take a slow breath, to calm the storm inside me. “Look, we don’t have to do it tomorrow. I just… I want to know you’re mine. That we have this promise.”
“It’s marriage, Ryan! Not a weekend getaway. These things… they matter. They take planning. I’ve seen too many fall apart. Look at my mom and your dad. Even the good ones fail,” she said, her hands gripping her own hair in frustration.
“And look at us! We’re terrible for each other. I can’t think straight when you’re near me, and you turn into someone completely wild whenever I’m around. Don’t you see it? We’re poison for each other.” She was getting worked up, her breath coming in short bursts.
Clearly, I’d shocked her. So I shut my mouth and just let her talk.
“We almost died, Ryan. Because we were both too weak alone. We leaned on each other until we both fell over. Even if the ‘step-sibling’ thing is gone, I’m not sure a normal relationship would work for us. How could a marriage?”
If you think ‘love’ scares her, just wait until you bring up marriage.
“Are you finished?” I asked, my voice quiet now.
She shook her head at me, a sigh of pure disbelief escaping her. “Ryan, maybe what we had was just an obsession. An unhealthy one. Like Gatsby and his green light.”
“Wow, you get even more poetic at two in the morning,” I tried to tease, but her glare didn’t soften.
I moved closer, so I was standing right in front of her. “You want to know why I think we could be good for each other?” She just watched me, waiting. “You know why I always say the wedding night was my favorite memory? It’s because that was the night you finally let your guard down. You let me all the way in. And you asked why I got your name tattooed on me. It was because that day, I decided to let you break down my walls, too.”
I saw her breath catch.
“So yeah, we broke each other. But we put each other back together, too. You made me a person, Saraphina. A real, better person. And I want to spend my life doing the same for you.”
My hand lifted, my fingers gently tilting her chin up so she had to look at me. Should I kiss her now?
“Ryan…” she whispered, and turned her face away. “I understand what you’re saying. But this is… so much. We’re so young. We have no idea what our lives will look like. We have so much to figure out, and you’re moving a thousand miles an hour.”
“I’m a simple guy, Saraphina. I see what I want, and I go after it. You should know that about me by now.”
“I do know, but..”
“You need time to think. I get it. You’re always the one thinking,” I said, a small, tired laugh in my voice. “Take all the time you need. I’ll be right here. Just… don’t think yourself into circles, okay?”
She didn’t look at me, but she gave a slow, small nod. Her breathing had finally settled. Gathering my courage, I leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.
“Go to sleep,” I murmured near her ear.
She didn’t answer. I turned and sank into the chair by her bed, while she slid back against her pillows, turning so her back was to me. All night, I held my mother’s ring tight in my fist and watched the slow rise and fall of her shoulders until she finally slept.
‘Dear Saraphina,’
‘I know I’m asking for everything.’
‘But with me, it’s all or nothing.’
‘Please choose all.’
The morning sun was too bright, slicing across the room and pulling me awake. Saraphina was still asleep, so I moved quietly to close the blinds, letting her rest. She looked so peaceful lying there. A stupid, hopeful feeling bubbled up in my chest at the thought of seeing her like this every single morning.
I hadn’t slept much, so I decided to sneak out for coffee before she woke. But as the elevator doors opened in the lobby, I saw Cole stepping out with a red-haired girl. They both stopped when they saw me.
“Ryan,” Cole said, his voice flat.
“Cole,” I replied.
“Oh, so you’re Ryan!” the girl piped up, her eyes wide. “Now I get it. No wonder Saraphina could never really let you go,” she giggled.
“For god’s sake, Elle, I’m standing right here,” Cole grumbled, rolling his eyes.
“Sorry, babe. No filter,” she shrugged, then smiled at me. “Nice to meet you!” She headed off toward Saraphina’s room.
Cole shot me a look as he followed her. I stepped into the elevator and was about to hit the button when Cole suddenly reappeared and slipped inside with me.
“We need to talk,” he said.
I eyed him. “Okay.”