Chapter 65 My mind is made up
“Indonesia.”
“Whoa.” I nearly choked on a piece of pepperoni.
Bali. Indonesia. Ten thousand miles away from New York. Ryan really meant it when he said we should run away together.
“It’s unbelievably beautiful there. You would love it,” he said, his voice full of excitement. Looking at his smile, I could see it. Ryan and me in a little beach house. We’d paint the walls white and a clear, ocean blue. He’d surf. I’d write. In the evenings, we’d watch the sun go down from our bedroom window. And maybe, years from now, little versions of us would be running through the rooms.
“Saraphina, you’re smiling like a maniac,” Ryan said, pulling me from the daydream.
I couldn’t help it. That was the exact happy ending I’d been picturing. The perfect closing chapter to our story.
Slowly, he reached for my hand. His thumb moved gently over my fingers. “It also means I have to leave in a couple of weeks to get things started. I know you have school, and I want you to finish. That’s important.” He paused, his gaze serious. “So, next year, after you graduate, I want you to come join me. I’ll have everything ready for you.”
Wow. This was real. This was actually happening. We were really doing this.
“So… is that a yes?” he asked carefully. My mouth opened, but no sound came out. “Look, I know it’s huge. If you need time to think, take it. All the time you need. Just… talk to me about it, okay? Don’t shut me out. I want us to decide this together. I won’t go if you’re not coming with me.”
Before he could finish, I was on my feet. I reached for his face and kissed him. I let my kiss say everything words couldn’t. It took him a second, and then he was kissing me back.
“Hey,” I whispered against his ear. “I’m all in.”
I needed him to know this was it for me. No more doubts. No more holding back. This was my final bet, and I was putting everything on the table.
The next day on campus, once class ended, I was rushing to get home. Why would I stay a second longer when the guy I loved was waiting for me? I couldn’t wipe the stupid, giddy smile off my face the entire lecture, just thinking about him.
“Hey, want to get coffee? Our usual spot?” Cole caught up to me just outside the building.
“Oh, I can’t. I have to get home.”
“You’re not avoiding me, are you, Livingston? Because you promised you wouldn’t freak out on me.”
I stopped walking. He was right. I had been saying no to him and Elle a lot lately.
I wished I could have everything, but… what can you do?
“I’m not avoiding you. I’ve just been… busy,” I said.
Cole’s look moved to my neck, and he reacted when he saw the marks there. Damn it. I told Ryan not to do that. I quickly pulled my sweater collar higher. Normally, Cole would never let me hear the end of something like this. But now, he just acted like he hadn’t seen a thing.
Well, I guess that’s better for me…
“Okay, fine. Just give me five minutes, then. I have some amazing news,” Cole said, not letting it go.
I looked at him, confused, and suddenly he was beaming.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Remember Mrs. Thompson? The editor from our book launch?”
“The one who smelled like cats?”
“That’s her. Well, she’s actually on the advisors’ board for The New Yorker magazine. I was talking to her at the party, she thought I was your publicist for some reason, and she loved your novel. Look at this email she just sent me.” He handed me his phone. I read it over, and my jaw practically hit the pavement.
“She’s offering me a job?!” I squeaked. “At The New Yorker?!”
It was one of the most famous publishers in Manhattan. In the whole world, probably.
“Congratulations! You won’t have to worry about the terrible job market anymore. You’re welcome, America,” he laughed.
“Wait, so the job starts when I graduate?” I kept reading.
“Yeah. They’re offering a part-time spot now that turns full-time once you have your degree. But still… it’s incredible, right?”
The smile melted right off my face. Cole saw it happen. His own smile disappeared.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Cole, I can’t take the job.”
“What? Why not? This is The New Yorker, Saraphina. This has been your dream since we were in high school.” He was right. It had been my dream. But I’d found a new one.
I let out a long breath. I couldn’t hide this from him any longer.
“Cole, I need to tell you something.” I waited a moment, gathering my strength. “After graduation, I’m leaving New York.”
“What? What are you talking about? Where are you going?”
“Somewhere far away from here.”
“For how long? When are you coming back?”
“I don’t know… maybe not for a very long time.”
His mouth hung open. He sighed, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“Why?” The word was just a breath.
“Cole… I’m… I’m in love with someone.” I told him everything. The whole story about Ryan, our summer in Hawaii, how he came back for me, and the offer that changed everything.
It took a full minute to lay it all out, even the part about him being my stepbrother. I expected some big reaction, but there was nothing. Cole just went completely still. He listened to every word without a single response. It was like he wasn’t even surprised. When I finished, he stayed silent.
“Cole…?” I said. His face was blank, but his eyes… his eyes were full of pain. “Please, say something.”
“I think you’re making a massive mistake,” he finally said.
“Maybe I am. But it’s a chance I have to take.”
“You’re giving up your whole life. Your family, your friends, everything. For him?”
He would never understand. No one would. But I did. I knew he was worth it.
“Please,” he breathed, his gaze dropping to the ground. His eyes were bright, his breathing uneven. “Please don’t do this.”
“Cole… please, can’t you just be my friend and support me?”
“NO, I can’t!” he yelled suddenly. “I stood by you through every wrong turn, every hard night, every bad day. I would stand by you through anything. But not this. I won’t stand here and watch you throw your whole life away.” He reached for my hands and held them in a strong grip. “You know how I feel about you. I’ve never asked you for a single thing. Never. But please, just this once…”
“Cole, I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “My mind is made up.”
“Then un-make it!”
“I can’t! I really love him, Cole.” I pulled my hands away, and his fell to his sides.
“Saraphina, if you go… you’re going to lose me. For good.”
I could see the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. It shattered something inside me, and as my own tears began to fall, all I could manage to say was,
“…I’m sorry.” The words were barely there. “But I can’t fight this anymore. He’s it for me.”