Chapter 49 Why would you do that?
Saraphina
I could not meet my mother’s gaze. My whole body was locked in place, stunned. I was scared to even shift a little. My biggest nightmare was right here in front of me, Mom knew about Ryan and me. I felt like a great ship that had just smashed into a mountain of ice. We were sinking. Deep, deep down.
“How could you do this to us, Saraphina?” Her voice was broken.
“Mom. I am… so… sorry.” The words crept out of me, barely there.
“I do not know how far this has gone between you two… but I need you to understand what this could ruin. Our whole lives, everything we have tried to build as a family,” she stopped and drew a long breath. “Clement and I have decided we are going to have a baby. We truly want this family to work, Saraphina,” she repeated.
Tears began to fall down my face. The guilt was enormous. Ryan and I had been so thoughtless. We could not just ignore everyone else and do what we pleased. That was not life, that was a dream.
“I want it to work, too. I am so sorry,” I kept apologizing, over and over, until the words felt hollow.
“Oh, Saraphina…” Mom reached for my hand. Her own tears were falling now.
“I promise we will end it,” I told her, holding her hand tightly. “I am so sorry, it was so stupid. We were just a couple of foolish kids… I do not know what I was thinking… I never meant to hurt you…”
Mom pulled me into her arms and I cried until my shoulders shook against her.
“I know you, my girl. I know you did not mean to,” she soothed, her hand moving softly through my hair.
“Does Clement know?” I asked, afraid of the answer.
“No. I have not told him anything yet.”
“Please do not tell him, Mom,” I begged. “I am leaving for New York in a week. I swear I will handle everything before I go. Clement does not ever have to know. Please, Mom.”
She studied my face, her worry clear and deep.
“Mom,” I said again. “I promise I will take care of things with Ryan myself. Please, do not say a word to him or to Clement.” I tried to look certain, to convince her. “Please, trust me. I owe you this. I promise.”
She gave a slow, tired nod and let out a long breath. “All right.”
After lunch, I asked my mother to let me be alone for a while. She went home, and I stayed in town. I walked until my feet ached. The very thing I feared most had happened. Now I had to be an adult and face what came next.
The truth was simple. I knew the only right choice was to end it. But I also knew I might not be strong enough to even try.
What do I do? What do I say to him?
If I told him everything, I knew exactly how he would respond. He would tell me to fuck everyone else. He would tell me to choose him. Maybe he would even suggest we run away together. But that would mean turning my back on the only family I have, my mother.
But if I said nothing and we kept going as we were… maybe we could be happy for a little while longer.
Some part of me always knew this day would arrive, but I never imagined it would feel this terrible. A pain spread through my chest so intense I could hardly breathe. The realization crashed over me: I would never hold Ryan again. He would never look at me with that same light in his eyes. And I never even got to tell him how I truly feel.
I could not stop crying. I wanted to scream until my voice was gone. I wanted to tear the ache straight out of my body. My walking broke into a run. I ran with my hand pressed to my eyes, sobbing wildly, until I collided with someone tall and solid and landed hard on the pavement.
“Oh, sorry, miss, I did not see you,” said a large man covered in ink.
I looked up and saw we were in front of a tattoo shop. Well, he was standing. I was on the ground.
“It was my fault,” I said, taking his offered hand as he helped me up.
“You all right?” he asked.
I looked at him, then at the shop, then back at him. And just like that, an idea came to me.
“Hey, are you okay?” Ryan said as soon as he stepped out of his truck.
Later that evening, I had asked him to meet me at the cliff, the place where we almost kissed for the first time. I did not wait. I pulled him to me and kissed him. My fingers moved through his hair as I breathed him in. He kissed me back, all heat and hunger.
“What is all this about?” he asked when we finally came apart.
“Nothing,” I said. “I am just really happy.” And that was the truth.
I was happy, even for the little time we had left. And I intended to use every second of it.
“When is your birthday?” I asked, trying to sound casual.
“November 24th. Why?” He looked at me, puzzled.
“Happy early birthday. I have a surprise for you.” I showed him the bandage on my wrist.
He gave me a curious look but took my hand, peeling the bandage off slowly.
RY
Those two letters were now inked on my skin. Yes, I did it. It was a crazy, split-second decision. But compared to lying to my mother and hiding with Ryan all summer, it felt almost normal.
The tattoo was small and fine. A watch or a bracelet would hide it completely. But it was enough to make Ryan’s face break into a huge, glowing smile.
“What the…you got a tattoo?” he said, amazed.
I smiled back at him.
“Why would you do that?”