Chapter 38 I want to have sex with you
Saraphina
Gabe and I were walking down the beach, putting distance between us and the noise of the wedding. I kept looking at his face, feeling terrible. He got punched for absolutely nothing. At least his nose had stopped bleeding. But still. We walked in a heavy quiet, not talking much.
Finally, I spoke up. "Gabe, I know you have every reason to be furious with him. But please, do not tell a soul. About me and Ryan."
Gabe smiled and pretended to zip his lips shut. "I will not say a word," he promised.
"And I am so sorry he hit you. He is an animal," I said, rolling my eyes.
"What is the appeal with that guy, honestly?" he asked with a sarcastic laugh.
"I know he is trouble. But he is not all bad," I said, my voice small.
The quiet settled over us again. We had walked a long way. The party lights were just little dots far behind us.
"Should we turn back?" Gabe asked.
"No. I think I want to stay out here a bit longer," I answered.
Gabe let out a quiet laugh.
"What is funny?" I asked.
"Your mom was right. When you like someone, you run from them."
"Gabe, it is not like that. Ryan and I… we are impossible. In case you missed it, that is my mother marrying his father. We are basically brother and sister now," I argued.
"Okay, try this. Imagine this wedding is not theirs. There is no step-anything. Would you go back and find him?"
I had never allowed myself to consider that. What if we were just two people? Would I try? For a long moment, I said nothing, but I could feel the answer on my face, plain as day.
"I see," Gabe said, reading me perfectly.
"Whatever, Gabe," I said, shaking my head. "It does not matter. That is not our reality."
"I can see how much he cares about you. And I know you feel the same. So I am going to give you back the advice you gave me when I was scared to go after Maddie," Gabe said, pausing for effect. "Do it. Life is not forever. Be brave and just do it."
I laughed, remembering the night we met and my own forceful pep talk.
"That was terrible advice," I reminded him.
"No, it was great advice. I just used it on the wrong person. Maybe it will work better for you," he said, his eyebrows raised.
"You really think he cares for me?" I asked. "I mean, truly?"
He pointed to his own bruised, blood-streaked face. "This is your proof." I shook my head and laughed.
"Just telling you what I see," he added.
Right then, a deep rumble of thunder rolled above us. The sky was getting darker.
"We should go back," Gabe said.
"Yeah, you are right. But… I am going to wait here just a minute. I need to think. You go ahead."
Gabe nodded with understanding and gave me a kind smile. I smiled back and watched him walk away until the night swallowed him up.
Ryan
Scotch. Now there is a solution. Nothing like it to smother whatever is eating you alive. I was alone at the bar, drinking in peace, when a voice cut into my space.
"Hey. Where is your date?"
I turned and saw that kid, Gabe. He was wiping dried blood from his face with a cloth.
"In Saraphina's room," I said, my words a bit thick. "Where is Saraphina?"
"Out on the beach," he answered.
"She is really angry with me, isn't she?" I said, taking another large drink.
Gabe did not answer. He just looked me over, from head to foot. Maybe he wanted to swing back. Maybe he was deciding if he could take me. When he moved, I thought he was coming for me, but he just reached past me for the bottle of scotch. He took a long drink and grimaced. I gave a low chuckle.
"Sorry about your nose," I said to him. "Why did you make her cry?"
"I didn't," he said, taking another sip. "She cried because of you."
"What?" My head came up fast.
He was completely serious.
"What are you talking about?" I pressed him.
"What do you think I am talking about?" He laughed and lifted the scotch bottle toward me. "I think I need this more than you do. Cheers." And then he walked off, taking my bottle with him.
Saraphina
The thunder came again, louder, and the first few raindrops began to fall. I knew a real storm was coming, so I really had to go back. I stood up, let out a long breath, and started walking. I did not want to be at that wedding. I did not want to paste on a smile for all those people.
I sighed again, my head down, watching my feet move through the sand. I was turning over what to do, what to say to Ryan, when his voice broke through the air.
"Saraphina."
I looked up and he was there, right in front of me. He was breathing hard, like he had run the whole way. And now the rain was coming down in earnest.
Ryan got his breathing under control and closed the distance between us. He stopped close, standing over me, using his body to block the rain from my face.
"Do not walk away from me," he said.
"Ry..."
"I know you are probably ready to list a thousand reasons why this is a bad idea… but just… fuck it, Saraphina! Fuck all of it! If you want to be with me, then be with me. Because I know I want to be with you."
His breathing was rough. His blue eyes were deep and intent. I had never seen him look like this before, so open and real.
"Why?" I managed to say, my voice rough. "Why do you even like me?"
He let out a short, breathy laugh.
"Because I like how you watch the ocean like you own it. I really like talking to you. It is easy. And you are not bad to look at, either," he said, a smile touching his mouth. "I like that you cannot really curse, you just make up words that sound like you are."
"That is not true, I curse all the goddarn time."
"See? And I love that you are a bad liar. Your eyes always show the truth. I love that you are your own person and you do not care what anyone thinks. You do not even check a mirror before you leave the house. I love that you will try anything, even stuff that scares you, stuff that makes you invent silly rules," he went on.
I was stuck. I could not move or speak. I was completely caught by him.
"I love that you care about people. You put them first, even before yourself. And… it drives me crazy, how you can do nothing at all and it is the most beautiful fucking thing I have ever seen."
Without warning, his hand came up to cradle the side of my face. He leaned in until our noses were almost touching.
"There is more, but I did not practice the whole speech. I will tell you the rest as I think of it," he said, that smirk returning.
A soft laugh escaped me.
"Hey. I am going to ask you something, and I need a direct answer," he said, his tone serious.
I did not speak, but I gave a small nod.
"Saraphina Livingston… do you want to be with me?" he breathed, his eyes holding mine.
This was the first time I saw him look nervous.
My mind screamed every logical reason to say no. But my heart could not fight anymore. It surrendered.
I looked at him and gave a weak nod, so slow and small it was almost not there.
"Say it," he insisted.
"Ry, you know what I mean. Do not make me say it out loud," I replied.
"Say it, Saraphina. Say it so I know I am not dreaming."
He won. I swallowed hard and said, "Ryan, I want to be with you."
The moment the words were out, his mouth was on mine. I kissed him back, full of heat and need. Ryan’s tongue swept into my mouth, exploring me. My legs went weak. If his arms were not locked around me, I would have fallen into the sand.
I want him. I want all of him.
My hands slid under his wet suit jacket, moving over his chest, the hard planes of his stomach. He made a low sound and pulled my body flush against his. I slipped my hands under his shirt, and his whole frame trembled at my touch. I explored his skin with my palms and he groaned like it hurt.
His hands moved to the curve of my back and settled on my hips. Then his mouth was on my neck, my collarbone. He knew every place that made me unravel, until my head fell back and my body molded itself to his. We fit together perfectly.
I could feel how much he wanted me. And me? I was wet, and it had nothing to do with the rain.
The rain was cold, but he was so warm. I arched against him, pressing closer. He groaned in response, but then he pulled back, putting a little space between us.
"Ahem," he cleared his throat. He gave me a strained smile. He was holding himself back.
"Ry…" I started.
"It is okay," he said, his voice reassuring. "I am good."
I glanced toward the distant party lights. "Do you want to go back?"
"Not really," he said, shaking his head.
"Me either," I whispered.
Then a smile spread across his face. "Want to dance?" he asked.
"Here? Now?"
Ryan did not answer. Instead, he grabbed me and spun me around. We both started laughing. Somehow, we ended up swaying together, slow dancing. The crashing waves and the falling rain were our music.
In his arms, this is where I belong.
Nothing ever felt more right. I looped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, burying my face in the solid warmth of his chest, breathing in his familiar smell. I could hear his heart pounding. Beating for me.
"Ry," I said into his chest.
"Mmm?"
"I want to have sex with you," I said.
BOOM!
As if it were waiting, the thunder cracked directly above us.
Ryan pulled away immediately. Maybe my words shocked him, or maybe it was the thunder. I could not tell. He looked at me, his gaze searching my face.
"What...Are you sure?" he asked, looking genuinely concerned.
"Yes," I said simply, looking from my feet back up to meet his intense blue eyes.
"Saraphina, it is not that I do not want to. God, I do. But I do not want you to do something you will hate later."
"Ryan Jake Williams," I said, stopping him. "Make love to me."