Chapter 69 A BROKEN WORD
ARYA'S POV
“Listen sweetheart,” my father started with a calm and gentle voice as he rubbed the back of my hands, as if trying to calm me down which really did.
“I’m not here to judge you. Your mother and I love you so much and that's all that matters.” My father said to me, his words were soothing to my soul.
“Thank you dad.” I said softly with tears in between, making my voice crack.
“What is your plan concerning the child?” His voice came alive, breaking the silence once more.
I looked away, releasing my hands gently so that he wouldn't feel my nervousness.
“Is everything fine?” He asked, as he was worried.
I didn't know what to say. Should I lie to him? The thought of doing that made me feel terrible.
He was willing to stand by me and help me take care of the baby. He wanted to be there for me when I had to talk to Mom about this.
He was caring and kind, he didn't care how messed up the situation was. He was willing to support me even though the pregnancy has stretched into months now.
I made a mistake but the important thing I wanted to focus on was how to fix it, not dwell on it. I had to tell the truth, no matter how it would hurt. That way, I can break through and mend my mistakes.
The silence that engulfed me was so thick and I needed to break through it.
“How do I start? How do I tell this calm and loving man that I had gotten rid of the child?” I questioned myself as I fidgeted with my fingers, twisting them into one another.
I took a shaky breath and my breathing was really shallow. The truth was hard to say. It felt heavy in my throat.
"Dad, there is no child." I finally came clean.
I couldn't hide it anymore because sooner or later, he would find out about it.
The calm and comforting smile on his face disappeared into a shock and horror look.
His face went totally blank. The warmth, the light of hope and support, in his eyes it just left. It was replaced by confusion. He looked really shocked. This man always seemed to know what to do. This was something he did not see coming.
The words just caught him off guard. He looked like an actor who forgot what to say on stage. The man who always knew everything was now just standing there.
“What?” My step dad's voice finally cut through the thin air.
His voice was full and cracked, as though someone had just punched him in the gut.
Tears streamed down my face as I used my thumb to brush them off. I felt so guilty and sad, I felt really bad.
"The pregnancy is gone, I've removed it." I replied as I covered my face in shame.
My shoulders started shaking because I was crying again. It felt good to tell someone my secret. That feeling did not last.
Seeing the shock and disappointment on his face made me feel terrible over again. The pregnancy was all I could think about that I didn't even notice my father's mood had changed.
He did not move. He just sat there completely frozen, he was in total shock and desperately wanted to come out of it, which needed some time.
The shock was a weight that felt cold and suffocating in the small room. He did not ask how or why it happened. He simply could not understand that the thing was already done. The shock of it was too much for him to deal with. He just sat there frozen trying to take it all in the fact that it was already done, the thing that he did not expect to happen soon.
I really needed to talk to my step dad. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted him to forgive me. I wanted things to go back to normal because my step dad had been really quiet. I put my arms around his neck. I buried my face on his shoulder.
"I am so sorry dad. I am so sorry I did not tell you. I was really scared of what you would think of me, dad." I apologized as I sobbed gently, his shirt already getting soaked with my tears.
His arms went up to pat my back. It was really slow and unsure. It felt like he was just doing it because he thought he should not because he actually wanted to.
I wanted him to hold me tight and make me feel better. That was not what I got. It felt like I was hugging someone who was not really there. The way he used to hold me was warm and cozy but now, it was just cold and stiff as he was touching me with his hands.
His mind seemed to wander somewhere else. I could feel how tense his shoulders were and how stiff his body was. His arms were around me. It did not feel like he was really holding me.
It was not a real hug, it was just something he did because I was falling apart and it felt worse than if he had yelled at me. The hug did not feel genuine from him, it felt empty and that felt like he was scolding me but not with words, just with the empty hug from him.
After what felt like a long time I pulled back and looked at his face. I was trying to find the father I saw just a little while ago but instead I saw a stranger. His eyes were still hurt. Now they had a sharp and scary look. The same look he used to wear when he was working on tough business deals.
"You removed it?" He asked, interrupting my thoughts and judgements.
His words came out really slow like he was being very careful what he said. He seemed to be thinking about each word before he said it.
“Yes father.” I replied slowly.
"You had a procedure?" He said the word ‘procedure’ like it was a deal, something that was not easy to talk about.
I nodded, feeling really bad about what happened. The shame was making my face feel hot.
"Yes I did. I went with Stella, she was the one who helped me." I replied genuinely without delay or lies.
He nodded once sharply then he had his eyes fixed on the blank white wall across the room.
“If the father of the baby is not aware of the child, that means he doesn't know you had an abortion.” My step dad concluded wisely.
He didn't look at me, he just stared at the blank wall as if avoiding eye contact with me.
“He doesn't know.” I replied, shaking my head as tears dropped from my eyes.
He still didn't care to ask who the father was. To him, none of that mattered. It was as though if I wanted to tell him, I would and he understood that, he didn't want to push me.