124: Fallen: Fire and Redemption - Borderline

124: Fallen: Fire and Redemption - Borderline
Julian Kauer

On the last day of the trip, I tried to exercise some self-control and keep my dick in my pants so we could enjoy the scenery — unlike the previous two days when we spent more time staring at the ceiling than anything else.

But at least that morning, I made a slight effort not to drag her back into bed, just to see her skin marked by my teeth again, her hair stuck to the back of her neck, and her half-lidded eyes begging for more.

Violet looked so at ease, so free.
She had never been this beautiful.

I discovered that post-sex, Violet is even more attractive. Her body was slick with sweat, hair plastered to her face. Lips bruised from so many kisses and bites, slightly swollen and flushed.

Mine. Only mine.

Still, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff. My mind kept circling back to everything that had happened, thinking about how good things were. How well we were finally understanding each other.

But… how long would it last?
Is there an expiration date for happiness?

The bed still smelled like us. The sheets were messy from the last time. And I liked that. The scent of her skin mixed with mine. The way she fit against me. The words whispered in the silence, and the ones she didn’t yet know how to say, but said with her body.

The problem was... I know myself.

Too much happiness puts me on edge. Like the universe has a fucked-up sense of humor and is just waiting for the perfect moment to rip it all away again.

Things were going too well. And I know how that ends.

Maybe it’s just my trauma talking.

Maybe I’ve just gotten used to shit falling apart.

But even so... I felt the weight.

Because now that everything was quiet, I had time to think. And thinking, in my case, has never been good.

I found myself revisiting everything I’d left behind like my mind didn’t know how to deal with peace without looking for a disaster to latch onto.

Chicago still hurt.

Júlio. Santiago. Lorenzo.
They were all part of the same moldy rot my father dragged me into.

My father had come back like a stubborn ghost, reeking of mildew and dirt, where he should have stayed buried. Not satisfied with wrecking half my childhood, he resurfaced neck-deep in stolen cargo, dirty money, and veiled threats.

And me?

I almost gave him what he wanted: more blood, more destruction, vengeance. Because I know he blames me for everything that happened.
But I did the opposite.
I gave him what he deserved.

I signed the papers. Made the deal with the DA. Turned over that rat’s nest he kept running while paying off the corrupt. I cut the leash of my parole and buried everything he ever stood for.

His arrest dragged Santiago down with him. And Lorenzo too that bastard who tried to use my restaurant as a front.

I did what I had to.
No regrets.

But the scar still burns.

Not because of what I did, but because of what’s left behind.

Maybe that thought came because I dreamed of my mother the night before.

It wasn’t common. It wasn’t comforting.
She always appeared the same way: standing at the edge of a gray field, her mouth shut and her eyes heavy like they knew everything. Like they’d seen hell and come back without a word.

I woke up with my throat dry and my hand in the pocket of my jacket where the locket always stays.
Same picture. Same face.

The memory of her perfume mixed with blood and silence.

Every time I see her face, even printed on that worn metal, I remember something that breaks a part of me:

My father is a man I wish had never existed.

And even far away, even with Violet lying beside me after moaning my name like it was some kind of prayer I’d beg to hear every night, I knew the shadow hadn’t gone.

Júlio might be behind bars, but the mark he left on me still burns sometimes like a shitty tattoo done in a dark alley.

And Lilian...

Lilian was another mess that never really left.

She taught me to live under control, to smile while obeying, to say “I’m fine” while bleeding inside for a love that never existed, shackled by an invisible chain I forged myself.

She might still be lurking, waiting for an opening.
Or maybe she just lives in my head, scratching at the walls like a broken nail that won’t stop catching.

But I could feel it. Deep down.
A low, distant ringing that echoed inside me like a warning.

The peace I had now, Violet, the cabin, the sex, the laughter was real.
It was my castle.
But so fragile I didn’t know if I could protect it.

Like the universe was holding its breath.
Or maybe it was me, trying not to knock down the cards I spent so long stacking.

Like something was coming.
And at this point, I didn’t even know what to ask first: what was coming, or when.

When we got ready to leave, her holding her bag, digging for the lip gloss she reapplied every ten minutes, I watched her like I was engraving that moment into me. Because I knew if I lost this… if I let that shadow, whatever it was, come in and destroy what we built...

I wouldn’t have anything left to hold onto.

I wouldn’t even have myself.
And I don’t know if I can handle being that version of me again. The one with nothing to fear, nothing to protect.

Because I can’t be responsible for myself without someone to keep me safe.

And Violet...
She feels like the only thing keeping me grounded.
The only one holding the leash of this version of me.

So I promised myself, the first time I held her in my arms, that I would do anything to keep this safe.

Because if I don’t, there will be nothing left of me.

\[...\]

Author’s Note

Hi, everyone. It’s been a while, I know.

I’m so sorry for disappearing... my life got a little chaotic these past few weeks. I had a domestic accident and took a bad fall. I had to rest for weeks, and my foot was badly hurt, which kept me from moving properly for days. I’m just now getting back to walking and resuming my normal activities, including writing, so new chapters will be coming more regularly again.

I apologize for not giving a heads-up. I was deeply shaken by the whole thing and stayed very introspective to process this new reality in my routine.

Thank you for being here with me. We’re getting close to the end of Julian and Violet’s story, and I promise, it will be worth the wait.

XOXO 💜