38- Hidden kiss

"Why did you take so long in the bathroom?" Liry asks, with her characteristic sweetness.

"We are men. Stomachs weigh a lot and there is a lot to drain," Mr. Hope mentions as if it's nothing. Liry wrinkles her face in disgust. "I was also talking to Eron about the songs he will play when we get home. Right, Eron?"

His gaze tells me that I can't refuse even if I want to.

"Y-yes."

"Oh, I would love to know what you're going to play tonight!" Diana squeals.

"We decided that you all can choose, my love," he replies to his wife. I see him kiss her on the cheek. "We are all ears. Who suggests a song first? If you need an incentive to think, I can randomly choose. It will depend on you whether this will be a democracy or my dictatorship, group."

Ah, being persuasive and intense runs in the family…

I suppose I'll have to deal with that if I want to lighten my burden. I don't know how fair it is, but I must face my demons under the pressure of the Hope family. Although, for some strange reason, I prefer this to something else. It's better for me than the loneliness of my room and that piano gathering dust.As I said in the past, and I still stand by it, the Hope family is the family I would have liked to have. In all the time I spent with them before Faven's departure, I could feel warmth, affection, peace, and… I stopped feeling lonely.

I grew up in a home where Maya and I had to prepare our own meals when we were just kids. We depended on ourselves without having to contribute financially. Now, as adults, we still depend on ourselves, so nothing has changed for us. Now we just contribute money. It's more of the same.

So, everything leads me now. Angus Hope is a very reserved and serious man to be part of the Hope family, but he still has that warmth that represents him. He's the type of person who shows his affection through actions rather than words. However, as far as I know, he's someone who likes to be encouraged when he needs it the most. That makes me understand that he doesn't mind hearing a word of encouragement from time to time.

I'm not here to give him a word of encouragement, actually. I'm here to be honest with someone who welcomed me as a son. I must seem like a fool who can't speak because I've been rambling in my head all this time. And yet, I appreciate that Angus keeps standing, waiting for me to stop being a coward. So I must let go of my damn tongue once and for all.

I see his eyes slightly swollen. Even his face is like that. I understand that he's right about what he told me that first day here in North Dakota. And it is that point that I decide to address first:

"Now I know you were right about what you told me the day I arrived in Bismarck, Mr. Angus," I begin. I see him put on his glasses again. "These months I have done nothing but feel sorry for myself and the misfortune I felt I had. In my mind, I have not stopped repeating to myself that I am a miserable person who doesn't deserve anything good.

I take a deep breath and continue.

"I know… I know it sounds like something about myself, but I'm trying to speak as if I were thinking out loud. Talking about my feelings doesn't usually go well for me," I let out a bitter laugh. "Ah, Mr. Hope. I locked myself in a bubble. I came to think, and sometimes I still do, that time stopped that day. And, before I knew it, six months passed in which I isolated myself from society. Time was running, but I wasn't…"I see his eyes slightly swollen. Even his face is like that. I understand that he's right about what he told me that first day here in North Dakota. And it is that point that I decide to address first:

"Now I know you were right about what you told me the day I arrived in Bismarck, Mr. Angus," I begin. I see him put on his glasses again. "These months I have done nothing but feel sorry for myself and the misfortune I felt I had. In my mind, I have not stopped repeating to myself that I am a miserable person who doesn't deserve anything good.

I take a deep breath and continue.

"I know… I know it sounds like something about myself, but I'm trying to speak as if I were thinking out loud. Talking about my feelings doesn't usually go well for me," I let out a bitter laugh. "Ah, Mr. Hope. I locked myself in a bubble. I came to think, and sometimes I still do, that time stopped that day. And, before I knew it, six months passed in which I isolated myself from society. Time was running, but I wasn't…"

He makes a gesture for me to continue.

"I didn't go to class much during those days. It hurt a lot. I was also thinking so much that my mind couldn't process what the teachers were saying. I started skipping piano lessons too," I bite my lip and let go to speak again. "I haven't played the piano since Faven died, Mr. Hope. That's why I didn't know what to say at the table."

I see him form a line with his mouth. His face, slightly wrinkled from the passing years, is not much different from how I remember it. However, the bags under his eyes and some new lines of expression reveal how much he suffered and cried for his own loss. The expression may be that of a tough person, but the body has its ways of expressing the feelings you can't say out loud.

"I haven't been the best son, brother, or friend," I go on with what I was saying. "My life became monotonous. I went to the hospital often, I lost consciousness often, sometimes I drank alone with rancid alcohol, I read Faven's letters, I worked, sometimes I went to university, and… that was it. I thought that's how the rest of my life was going to be. I was too busy thinking about myself, and then I met Dakota. Or, well, she found me," unintentionally, I smile half-heartedly.