32.

I wake up with a start, trembling throughout my body, in addition to heart palpitations. It felt like I was running a marathon, and just the idea of lying down was making me feel even worse.

Sitting on the bed, I grip the edge tightly, inhaling and exhaling forcefully, trying to rid myself of that horrible sensation that had taken over my entire body. I didn't need to look at Klaus to know that he was asleep. I felt relieved in part that he didn't wake up during my crises, just like Kai didn't either.

I walk through the long corridor, examining every detail, recalling how I had thought about each detail, even though I didn't want to. My fingers glide along the wall, and my steps are silent as I move. I had recently realized that walking helped me, it helped with the crises and the feeling of being suffocated. I believed at first that somehow, sooner or later, all those events would have some effect on my body. And it was happening right at that moment.

My late-night visits to the hospital, claiming that I couldn't breathe, thinking I had something that was bringing me closer to death, had become frequent. Even after a battery of tests and the doctor turning me inside out looking for the causes of what I was feeling, nothing was found. And it was only after losing count of how many times I woke up like that in the middle of the night that they reached a diagnosis: anxiety.

Medications upon medications were prescribed, and initially, I felt that it was somehow under control. But as soon as Kai touched me or even made a comment, I simply felt everything spiraling out of control again. Until I found myself with none of those medications having any effect and needed to take matters into my own hands.

It was past midnight when I started walking along the sidewalk, as the street had little car and pedestrian traffic. Huddled in the clothes I had thrown on over my pajamas, I kept my eyes peeled for what I wanted. I knew it was there somewhere; I had seen it before, and after some research, I concluded that I had the perfect remedy for what I wanted not far from home.

I slow down when I reach a corner and notice two men. One of them was smoking. Taking a deep breath, I refuse to give up so close and approach them.

One of them looks me up and down as I approach, adjusting his posture.

"What are you looking for?" he asks bluntly.

"Do you guys sell drugs?" I ask with a trembling voice.

They both laugh, as if I had just told a joke.

"It depends on who's asking."

"I want to buy," I stutter, opening my sweaty hand, revealing the folded bills I had. Only then do I realize that my hand is sweaty.

"What kind of drugs do you want?" I breathe through slightly parted lips, looking at both of them. I already knew what I wanted; I had memorized it after researching more than enough and weighing the pros and cons. Of course, the cons were significant, but that didn't stop me from walking up to them.

"Heroin and cocaine."

They seem surprised, taking a step back.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" one of them jokes.

"I have the money," I look at each of them separately. "Will you sell it to me?" The man in the middle takes two small packages out of a backpack and places them in my hand, taking the money. "If you don't die. You can come back; I'll be here," he says, putting the money away.

Back home, in front of those white powders, I hesitated for a moment, my mind fearing addiction. But I couldn't handle the symptoms that were emerging in my body, along with the thoughts and the past that tortured me. I couldn't take it anymore. There were nights when I couldn't sleep, and my days were unproductive. I felt stuck in an endless loop, trying to get rid of it all.

I snorted both lines, without pause, all at once. It was surprising to feel the effects of both drugs in my body, in my system, affecting my mind, calming and silencing the thoughts that had plagued me, and bringing a tranquility that I hadn't felt in a long time.

That night, I didn't want to go back to the bed I shared with my husband; the living room rug was more than perfect, as was the silence there. Exhaling deeply, I look at Klaus over my shoulder, noticing that he was facing the opposite wall, unaware of what was happening. Without further reluctance, I leave the room, embraced by the silence of the house.

My steps are slow as I descend the staircase, trying to guess where Lorde was that night. It only took a few seconds, hearing him sniffing under the living room door, to know that he was outside.

The next step was to find out where Klaus kept the drugs. If he was a drug dealer. The owner of that place, practically. He had drugs, and they were stored somewhere. I didn't need to think much; when Klaus wasn't pacing back and forth, he was locked in his office, as he had people who could handle his problems without him even leaving the house.

I flick the switch next to me when I open the office door, my eyes scanning the space in front of me. Without wasting time, I start looking through the desk drawers and all possible places to hide what I was looking for. Frustration overwhelmed me when, after some time, I found absolutely nothing, not even a trace.

The chances of Klaus not hiding drugs inside the house as well were high, and I hadn't thought about that. However, as I was about to leave the room, something creaked beneath my feet. It was as if I had stepped on one of the loose floorboards. The office and the upper floor were the only places in the house with wooden floors. Pulling the rug aside, I lift the loose board, and to my surprise, I found what I was looking for, but in a different form, in square packets wrapped in duct tape. I didn't know which one I wanted, which led me to sniff them, discarding those with a strong odor and choosing the ones that seemed similar.

Leaving everything as I had found it, I pick up a pair of scissors nearby and tear a part open, finding white powder that I didn't hesitate to lean over and sniff as much as I could.

It took seconds to feel the tranquility I wanted. It was as if a fog descended upon me, slowing down my actions and thoughts. I smile to myself, holding onto the table, satisfied with the effect, and then look at all that drugs in front of me, convinced that I needed to hide them. But not where they were before.

I enter the kitchen quickly, looking around, holding the contents tightly, which should weigh more than 2 kilograms, considering hiding them under the sink, where no one usually went and where no one would think to look.

After two glasses of water, I return upstairs, even though I knew I wouldn't sleep for the next few hours. Klaus was still in the same position as before, just like Kai. I slowly lie down on the bed, barely breathing, exhaling slowly when I nestle in. With my hands on my abdomen, I start to look at the ceiling in the darkness.

My mind was already free of thoughts

, and even though I wanted to think about something reflective, the sentences barely formed in my head; it was as if something was blocking them. I didn't want to have to resort to drugs forever; it was temporary. When I wanted to quit, when I found something that would really help me, I would stop. But until that happened, I would use them. But it was only temporary.

Klaus shifts beside me, turning in my direction. My body tenses for a moment when I feel his heavy hand on my belly, and even though I want to pull away, I feel paralyzed, unable to. Maybe it was the effect of the drug in my system, pulling me into some part of my subconscious or something, but feeling his breath so close to me also strangely calmed me and kept me company during the hours that followed, as I stayed awake waiting for sleep without the old and new nightmares.