Chapter 187 Long term plans
Ryder's POV
I should have expected this question. I should have been prepared for it. I had walked into this hospital room knowing Jaxon and knowing how his mind worked and somehow it still caught me off guard.
"My intentions?" I repeated, buying myself a second to organise my thoughts.
"Yeah," Jaxon said. "You're back together with my sister. You're holding hands and kissing in front of me. You're clearly serious about this. So what are your intentions? Where do you see this going?"
I took a breath and decided there was only one way to answer it.
"I want forever with Sage," I said. "I want to build a life with her. Wake up next to her every morning. Come home to her every night. Be her partner in everything. Not the parts that are easy, all of it."
Jaxon nodded slowly, turning it over. "Forever is a long time."
"I know," I said.
"And forever means what exactly?" Jaxon pressed, leaning forward slightly in his bed despite the visible discomfort it cost him. "Dating indefinitely? Living together? Marriage?"
"Eventually, yes," I said. "Marriage. When the time is right and when Sage is ready. I am not going to rush her or put pressure on a timeline. But that is where I see this heading. That is where I have always seen this heading, even before I was honest enough with myself to admit it."
"Marriage," Jaxon repeated the word as if he was tasting how it felt in his mouth. "My sister and my best friend getting married."
"Does that still bother you?" I asked carefully.
"Honestly? Of course it does," Jaxon admitted. "It's going to take some time to get comfortable with that image. But I meant what I said earlier about letting Sage choose her own life without me in the middle of it. If she wants to marry you, I will support that choice. Even when it makes my skin crawl."
"I appreciate the honesty," I said.
"But I need to know you are serious about this," Jaxon continued. "Not just in the way a man is serious about a woman right after he has nearly lost her. We both know that feeling fades. I need to know you have actually thought about what forever with Sage means, the ordinary days and the hard ones and everything in between."
"I have thought about it," I said. "A lot. Especially during those two weeks when she was in Arizona and I genuinely believed I had lost her for good. I lay in my bed and thought about every way I had failed her and every way I wanted to be different. I thought about what a life with her would look like if she gave me another chance. I did not choose to be with her because the moment was emotional. I am with her because she is everything I want and more."
Jaxon was quiet for a moment, studying my face with serious attention.
"What about kids?" he asked.
The question surprised me slightly but I answered it straight. "Yes. I want kids someday. Not right now, not next year, but eventually. If Sage wants them too."
"How many?"
"I do not have a fixed number," I said. "Two or three, however many feels right for where we are at the time. We have not talked about it yet."
"But you definitely want children," Jaxon said. "That is not something you are flexible about?"
I thought about it honestly rather than just giving him the answer that sounded best. "I want children with Sage if that is what she wants. If she does not want them, I would rather have her without children than have children with someone else. What I want most is to build a life with her, whatever shape that life takes."
"That is a good answer," Jaxon said.
"It is the truth," I said.
We sat quietly for a moment. The monitors beeped their steady rhythm and from the hallway outside I could hear voices passing by as nurses and other health care personnel did their rounds and went about their business.
"Can I ask you something?" I said.
"Go ahead."
"Why does this matter so much to you?" I asked. "You already gave us your blessing. You said Sage gets to choose her own life. So why do you need to know all of this?"
Jaxon sighed slowly. "Because she is my baby sister and I love her more than anything in this world. Because I watched her leave for Arizona and I watched what it did to her. I also watched what your silence did to her before that. So I'm asking all these questions because I want to make sure she is choosing someone who has actually thought about the long term consequence of being with her and not just the immediate feeling."
"And you are worried I have not thought about it all," I said.
"I am worried you are going to hurt her again," Jaxon said. "Not because you are a bad person. But because you might not be on the same page about what you both want. I am worried you might assume things, instead of communicate, and leave the hard conversations until they are already a problem. That is how people hurt each other without meaning to."
"That is fair," I admitted. "You are not wrong about any of that."
"So have you had these conversations with Sage?" Jaxon asked. "About marriage and kids and what forever actually looks like in practical terms?"
I hesitated.
"Ryder," Jaxon prompted.
"Not yet," I admitted. "We have been focused on getting back together and getting through one day at a time. The long term conversations have not happened yet."
"Then they need to happen," Jaxon said firmly. "Before you make any more promises. You need to know if you are both building toward the same thing."
"I know," I said. "You are right."
"Does Sage even know you want kids?" Jaxon asked.
I opened my mouth and then closed it again.
"Ryder," Jaxon said, his voice dropping low and becoming more serious. "Does my sister know you want children?"