Chapter 179 What next?
Ryder's POV
I found Sage standing in the parking lot, leaning against the wall with her arms wrapped around herself. She was not looking sad or angry, but she looked deep in thought and her expression was troubled.
"Hey," I said gently, moving to stand beside her. "You okay?"
She looked at me and I could see the conflict in her eyes. "I'm okay. I just needed a minute to think."
"About what?" I asked, resisting the urge to pull her into my arms until I understood what was going on in her head.
Sage took a breath. "About practical things. About what happens next. We've been so focused on getting back together that we didn't even consider Jaxon's reaction and we have not talked about the actual logistics of our life."
"Logistics," I repeated, not sure where she was going with this.
"Where am I going to live? What am I going to do in this town as a job?" she asked directly. "I still have my apartment in Manhattan but going back there is definitely not a good idea. I can not stay at the clubhouse forever because our house is basically destroyed. So where does that leave me?"
I had not thought about it either. I mean it was just about an hour ago that she came back home so unexpectedly. I was still too caught up in the emotion of having her back to consider practical details. "You could stay with me," I offered carefully. "If you want to."
"Is that what you want?" she asked. "Or is that just what makes sense?"
"Both," I admitted. "I want you with me. But I also do not want to pressure you or rush you into something you are not ready for."
Sage nodded slowly. "I want to be with you. But I am also scared of not having an identity. Like I don't want to be known as just Ryder's girlfriend or Jaxon's sister instead of being Sage."
Her honesty cut through me. "You will never be just anything," I said firmly. "You have always been your own person with your own identity. Being with me does not change that."
"But what does that look like in practical terms?" she pressed. "Am I expected to be at the clubhouse all the time? To build my entire life around the Steel Wolves? Before the entire chaos with Dante, I occupied myself with trying to figure out who killed my dad, so I wasn't bothered with anything else. But now that it's all revealed, what am I gonna do with myself?"
I moved to face her directly. "You get to decide what your life looks like all by yourself. How involved you want to be with the club. How much space you need. What you want to do with your time. Anything at all you need is up to you."
"I need my own identity," Sage said. "My own purpose outside of being with you. I learned that in Arizona. Even though I was miserable there, I had space to figure out what I wanted. I need that here too."
"Then you will have it," I promised. "We will figure out how to build a life together without either of us losing ourselves in the process."
She searched my face. "You mean that."
"I do." I took her hands. "Tell me what you need. What does maintaining your independence look like?"
Sage looked like she was thinking about it. "I do not know yet. But I need to know that I can figure it out without you taking it personally. That I can need space without you thinking I am pulling away."
"I can do that," I said, understanding now what she was really asking for. "Space is not the same as distance. Needing your own identity is not the same as not wanting to be with me. I get that."
"Do you?" she asked. "Are you sure you won't zone out on me again when I start trying?"
The words stung but she was right to bring it up. "That was different. What you are asking for is healthy boundaries and independence. Those are not the same thing."
"How do I know you will not disappear again when I need space?" Sage asked quietly.
"Because I understand now that space and silence are different," I said. "You needing time to yourself does not mean I stop communicating. It does not mean I go quiet. It means I give you room to breathe while still being present in your life."
She nodded slowly, like she was testing whether she believed me.
"We are going to have to figure this out as we go," I admitted. "I do not have all the answers about how to balance being together with maintaining independence. But we can figure it out together honestly through proper communication."
"Together," Sage repeated.
"Together," I confirmed. "Whatever comes next, whatever we need to work through, whatever challenges we face with building a life that works for both of us. We face it together. We talk about it. We do not hide or pretend or assume."
Sage was quiet for a moment, processing what I said.
"We both almost died a few weeks ago," I said gently. "We both carry trauma from that night. We nearly lost the only two people we both have. That is going to affect us for a long time. But we can deal with it together. We can process and heal and move forward. We do not have to have everything figured out right now."
"I have nightmares," Sage admitted quietly. "About the attack."
"Me too," I said. "About Tommy stopping breathing. About losing you. About all of it."
"We are both pretty messed up," she said with a small smile.
"Yeah." I smiled back. "But we can be messed up together. We can be honest about what we are feeling and what we need. No more hiding. No more pretending everything is fine when it is not."
"I should be the one saying that. But okay," Sage said. "No more hiding."
I pulled her into my arms and she came willingly, resting her head against my chest. We stood there in the quiet parking lot, holding each other.
"Thank you for understanding," Sage said. "But I'm still going to need to figure out what to do for a job."
"Thank you for telling me about your fears," I said. "For being honest instead of just going along with what you think I want. For the job part, just take your time and figure something out."
We stood there for a few more minutes, holding each other.
Eventually Sage pulled back and looked up at me. "I need to call Jaxon," she said. "I need to tell him I am back and explain what happened."
"Do you want to call him now?" I asked.
"Yes." She nodded. "I have already waited too long. He deserves to know."
"Okay." I took her hand. "Do you want privacy or do you want me there with you?"
Sage looked at me and I saw the vulnerability in her eyes when she said, "I want you there with me."