Chapter 164 The message
Sage's POV
I watched Ryder's face crumble as I delivered the news about leaving for Arizona, and part of me wanted to take it all back.
Part of me wanted to run into his arms and let him hold me and tell me everything would be okay. Part of me wanted to forgive him and forget the seven days of silence and pretend none of it had happened.
But I could not do that.
Because forgiving him now would mean accepting that it was okay for him to disappear when things got hard. It would mean teaching him that my needs did not matter as much as his fears. It would mean setting a pace for our entire relationship that I could not live with.
So I stood there with my arms crossed over my chest and watched him try to find words that would fix this.
"Tommy is my only family," he said, his voice desperate. "He almost died, Sage."
I noticed things about Ryder that I had not seen earlier when I came to the room. Dark circles shadowed his eyes like bruises. His clothes looked slept in, wrinkled and stained. His hands were shaking slightly. He had not been taking care of himself nor sleeping.
And despite everything, despite the hurt and the anger, I still wanted to take care of him.
I hated that. I hated that even now, even after he had abandoned me, my first instinct was to worry about whether he was eating or sleeping.
"I understand that," I made myself say, keeping my voice steady. "Tommy is your family and you were terrified of losing him."
Hope flickered across Ryder's face and I had to kill it before it could take root.
"But Jaxon is my only family too," I continued. "And I was just as terrified. The difference is that I still managed to ask about Tommy. I still sent messages through the brothers to check if he was okay."
A memory flashed through my mind. Ryder and me on his motorcycle some months ago, before everything fell apart. His arms around me, his laugh in my ear, the feeling of being completely safe and loved.
I pushed the memory away.
"I wanted to come to you," Ryder said. "I tried to leave Tommy's room so many times—"
"But you didn't." I cut him off because I could not listen to the excuses. If I listened too long, I might start believing them. "That's the point, Ryder. You wanted to, but you didn't. And wanting to do something is not the same as actually doing it."
Beside Ryder, Tommy was in the hospital bed. He was sitting up slightly, watching us with an expression that looked like disappointment. Even Tommy knew his brother had messed up.
"One phone call," I hated how my voice cracked on the words. "That's all it would have taken. That's all I needed to know that I mattered to you."
"You do matter—"
"Then why didn't you call?" The question came out sharper than I intended. "If I mattered so much, why was it so easy for you to go seven days without checking on me?"
Ryder opened his mouth and then closed it again, and I could see him realizing that there was no good answer to that question.
The look in his eyes said he loved me, it said he would move heaven and earth to be with me.
But love was not just a look or a feeling. Love was action. Love was showing up. Love was calling even when you were scared or overwhelmed or dealing with your own crisis.
Diego had shown me what that kind of love looked like. Not romantic love, maybe, but the kind of steady, reliable presence that did not waver when things got hard.
And Ryder had shown me what it looked like when someone chose their own comfort over your needs.
"I was scared," Ryder admitted quietly. "I was paralyzed by fear and I made the wrong choice. But I can do better, Sage. I will do better."
For a moment, I almost believed him. For a moment, I almost let myself hope that we could fix this. But I had to stand firm on my decision.
"I can't build a life with someone who might disappear when things get hard," I said, and I meant every word. "I can't spend my future wondering if you'll show up or if you'll hide in fear when I need you most."
"I won't—"
"You already did." I forced myself to look directly at him. "And if you did it once, you'll do it again. People don't change like that, Ryder. Not really."
I saw the exact moment he understood that I meant it. That this was not a fight or a test or something we would work through. This was me walking away.
His hands dropped to his sides.
"Don't do this," he whispered.
I wanted to cave. Wanted to tell him I was sorry and that I did not mean it and that we could try again.
But then I pictured myself in five years, ten years, twenty years down the line. Pictured myself sitting alone in a hospital or going through another crisis while Ryder hid from his fear somewhere else. Pictured myself making excuses for why my partner was not there when I needed him.
I could not live that life.
"I've already made my decision," I said, even though I was breaking inside.
Through the window, I could see Diego waiting in the hallway.
"Jaxon asked me to tell you something before I leave," I said, pulling my attention back to Ryder.
He looked at me with desperate hope, probably thinking Jaxon had sent some message that would fix everything.
But this was not going to fix anything. This was just going to make everything more real.
"Jaxon has appointed you acting president of the Steel Wolves while he recovers."