Chapter 184 The Best Night
Chapter 184 The Best Night
Felix
Hope woke at two in the morning, and I was at her side before Soren could even move in the bed. She cried the way she always did when she had a wet diaper or was hungry, and I lifted her out of the crib, held her against my chest, and whispered that everything was okay, that Daddy was here, that she didn’t have to be afraid.
After a few minutes she stopped crying, and I stood in the nursery with her in my arms watching the moonlight fall through the window. Her small hand grabbed at my shirt, and I pressed a kiss to her forehead and felt something in my chest loosen.
When I went back into the bedroom, Soren was already sitting up in bed, knees drawn to her chest, eyes fixed on the door. I laid Hope in the bassinet beside the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress, and the silence between us wasn’t comfortable, but it wasn’t cold either. It was the silence of two people who had too much to say and didn’t know where to start.
“I’m not going to sleep,” Soren said. “Not until we’ve talked.”
“Then we talk.”
She pulled the blanket up to her chin and looked at me with those tired, beautiful eyes.
“Why did you push me away? Not the surface answer. The real one.”
I ran a hand through my hair and tried to find the words.
“My father used to tell me that love makes you weak. That it’s a vulnerability your enemies will exploit. I believed him for so long that I forgot he was wrong.”
“But you didn’t believe him at the beginning.”
“No. Because I met you when I was still young enough to believe that love was enough. That if I just held on tightly enough, nothing could tear us apart.”
Soren was quiet for a moment.
“And now?”
I looked down at my hands—at the calluses on my palms from the garden work I’d done so I wouldn’t have to be in the house.
“Now I know that love isn’t enough. It takes work. It takes showing up every day and choosing each other, even when it’s hard. And I stopped showing up.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m tired, Soren.” My voice broke, and I didn’t try to hide it. “I’m tired of being the Alpha and the father and the mate and the person everyone looks up to and expects answers from. I’m tired of pretending I know what I’m doing. I was so afraid you’d see how scared I was that I pushed you away before you could see it for yourself.”
Soren reached out and took my hand.
“What’s the truth, Felix?”
I looked at her face—the woman who had drowned, fallen, and lost our baby only to have it back at her side. She had been through so much, and instead of holding on to her, I had run.
“The truth is that I don’t know how to be a good father. My father was terrible, and I have no model. Every day I look at Hope and wonder if I’m going to break her the same way he broke me.”
Soren said nothing. She just held my hand and waited.
“The truth is that when I see you with Noah I feel like I’m losing you. Instead of fighting for you, I freeze. I don’t know how to fight for us when I’m not sure I deserve you.”
“Felix—”
“I do deserve you.” I said it like I needed to convince myself. “But I don’t feel like I deserve you. That gap between what I know and what I feel is destroying us.”
Soren moved closer and laid her hand against my cheek.
“You’re not your father.”
“I know.”
“You’re not failing Hope.”
“I know.”
“You’re not losing me.”
I closed my eyes. “Then why does it feel that way?”
“Because you won’t let me in.” Her voice was soft but firm. “You carry everything alone, and you don’t have to. I’m here. I’ve always been here. But I can’t help you if you shut me out.”
I opened my eyes and looked at her.
“I don’t know how to stop.”
“Then let me show you.”
She kissed me then—soft and slow—and I felt something shift in my chest. It wasn’t a solution, an ending, or an answer to everything. But it was a beginning.
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We talked until morning came.
I told her about the nights I sat awake in the study because I was too wound up to sleep. I told her about the voice in my head that sounded like my father, telling me I would fail. I told her about the moments I looked at Hope and felt overwhelming love and paralyzing fear at the same time.
Soren told me about the loneliness of being Luna, about the pack members who still looked at her like she didn’t belong, about the nights she lay next to me and felt like we were sleeping in separate beds even though only inches separated us.
She told me about me with Holly—about the moment her heart had stopped when I didn’t look at her.
“I’ve never felt so invisible,” she said. “I was standing right there, in a dress you didn’t even help choose, and you looked at me like I was a stranger.”
My jaw tightened.
“I didn’t mean—”
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. But you did. And I need you to understand that.”
“I do.” I took her hand and pressed it against my chest. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t want an apology. I want you.”
“Then you have me.”
We sat in silence, listening to Hope breathe and the birds outside slowly beginning to sing.
“What do we do now?” Soren asked.
“We start over.” I looked at her. “Not from the very beginning. We can’t erase anything. But we start fresh from here. We date each other again. We talk every day. We don’t let anything grow until it explodes.”
“That sounds like a lot of work.”
“It is. But you’re worth it.”
Soren smiled, and it was the first real smile in weeks.
“We should sleep,” she said. “Hope will be up again soon.”
“One more minute.”
I pulled her closer, and she rested against my chest and closed her eyes.
“Felix?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m still mad at you.”
“I know.”
“But I’m also glad you’re here.”
I kissed the top of her head and felt the tension in my shoulders slowly ease.
“Me too.”