Chapter 30

Chapter 30
He tilted his head, shaking. “It’s not like that, Elise. I promise you. I was glad you were there. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you. You’re interesting, yeah—but it wasn’t about that. I wanted to help you cope with her death. At first, I thought you were okay. But the more I got to know you, the more I felt your sadness. You’re punishing yourself for something you didn’t do. You know why? Because she didn’t seek help. What she did—it was what she had always wanted. And what I saw in the way you live made me want to do what I failed to do. Please, stop punishing yourself. Your life does not—and will never—depend on how she died. You didn’t tell her to take her life. She chose that.”

He stands and walks toward me, placing his hands on my elbows.

I yank it away. “If you loved her, why did you date me?”

His eyes were filled with loneliness. The misery I had carry was now shared with Harry.

“I didn’t force myself to like you. It just happened. All those moments we shared—our silence, our love for music. We respected each other. That’s how it started.” He gently places two fingers under my chin, lifting my face. “I love you—not because you were her best friend.”

“Then why? Why did you want to meet me?”

“Because I saw the misery in your eyes that day at the funeral.” He sighs—slow and careful. “I didn’t get a chance to save Britney. After you left her grave, I made a promise to her that I would save you from the grief she left behind. I’m part of that grief, and I feel responsible for the pain you and her parents are living through.

“At first, I didn’t know how to bring back the light in her parents’ eyes—but I did everything I could. And I succeeded. After that, I asked Mrs. Castillo how to help bring back the happiness you deserve.” A small tear ran down his cheek again.

“And why did you think you’re in the position to do that?” I ask. “She dragged me into the darkness, and you pulled me out—just to throw me back in. Because I know I deserve that darkness.”

“She caged herself in her misery. She chose not to seek help.” Harry says.

I shake my head. “I don’t think I deserve to be lied to.” I say firmly.

He kneels and I got surprised by his action. “That was my mistake, Elise. Please forgive me.” he cries. “It felt like you didn’t like me… and the thought of that—it scared me. I was afraid you’d never like me.”

I help him stand. I look him in the eyes—they’re telling me he’s really sorry.
“Leave,” I say, then break into tears.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I had no idea we’d fall in love. I even tried not to like you, Elise.” He shakes his head. “I have nothing to do with your career now. At first, I didn’t even want you to accept it—remember?” he says in a rush.

I steady my voice. “Leave,” I repeat, then close my eyes. “Please.” My voice is barely a whisper. I doubt he even heard me.

Then, I hear the door open... and close. I slowly open my eyes. I fall onto my bed. Then I get up, lie on the floor, and break down in tears—again.

There are so many things still left unspoken; questions left unanswered. But for now, I just need to breathe. It feels like I’m falling into water. I can’t swim. I’m not even drowning—just endlessly falling. These are the answers I wanted to hear… but hated to know. This is what I’m afraid of.

I hear the squeak of my bedroom door again. I think it’s Harry—I'm ready to yell at him. But it’s my mother. She looks at me with pity. I run to her, and she meets me halfway. I hug her, and she hugs me even tighter.

“It’s okay.” she says gently.

“Mom, why?” My voice is muffled, thick with pain and bitterness.

“Try to understand his situation,” she says softly, stroking my head. “It may be hard now, but one day, you will.”

“I just don’t understand why these things are happening, mom.” I whisper.

“It’s hard to understand, but we’ll try.”

It’s still blurry, but I will be able to know everything and understand the reason behind the clouds. The dark hole and the falling are still with me, sitting on my shoulder. The only thing that could lessen the burden I’ve been feeling is to let this out. And writing is the only thing I know could help.

I’ve been believing you
Because I know you can’t lie
Because I know you love me

But what is this?
Who are you now?

Chorus:
You know how it feels
But why did you do it?
Look what happened
I’m broken again
You’re not what I thought you were
You know how fragile I am
But still, you broke me
Now I know you’re worse than the worst

I know you knew how it feels to be lied to
Where did I go wrong?
Because I don’t think I deserve this

Who are you now?

\[Chorus\]

Now I’m hating you,
Or just disappointed,
Or just in shock,
Or reminding me how love sucks.
I thought you were different,
I thought you were the one I was waiting for,
I thought you were my hero,
I thought you couldn’t lie to me!
Baby, I was wrong.
I hate you now.
I thought you hated watching me cry.

\[Chorus\]

Now I think I can forgive you because I love you.

There’s no bitter song I’ve ever written, but I have one now. This would be my least favorite—maybe I’ll never sing this again.

I tried to sleep, but my mind wouldn't let me. I still don’t understand how the world kept the thing that almost killed me two years ago.

I opened my laptop and logged in. Mrs. Castillo is still awake. I accidentally glanced at the time: 2:45 a.m.

Me: Please, Mrs. Castillo, tell me who the guy is.
I didn’t make any introduction.
Anne: What’s wrong, Elise?
Me: Please. I know you know what I mean.
I saw the hesitation in the way she typed. I wished she would tell me the truth.
Anne: He was in the band, the one we took a picture with? I think his name was Liam it's Harry.
Me: Why didn’t you tell me?
Anne: The management handling him wants to protect his reputation.
Anne: Harry likes you. Anyway, I saw it on the news—you’re dating him, right?
I didn’t deserve to be lied to; no one does. He was everything to me until right now he’s nothing. And she’s changing the topic.
Elise: Why didn’t you tell me?
Anne: I talked to your mom, Elise. She told me you felt bad about Brit’s death. She didn’t want you to know because you would get depressed again. We felt you changed when you met Harry. That’s why we decided to hide it.