Chapter 23
Chapter 23
The day dad dies, I begin wondering what life really means: it turns out people are born to die. It hinders me from doing extreme rides to be safe and sound because I don’t want to die just like my dad. He dies without kissing Mom goodbye or waving us goodbye; he doesn’t have a chance to say ‘I love you’ for the last time. He doesn’t have the time to listen to my music, and those are depressing When my best friend dies, it makes me realize humans have a choice to give up on life and just end it. She has a chance to talk to me and ask to fill out her loneliness, but she chose to stay silent about it. She has a chance to explain everything before doing it, but she chose to leave a note in her bag without voicing it out. She chose to end her life without thinking of all the love she receives outside her school, where she felt suffocated. She left without saying goodbye. What’s different from my father’s situation is that she has another choice, but she chose what she thought will kill the pain she felt inside, and she knew where her life might end.
I’m not getting far to what I want to say because right now I fully understand how God can play with the lives of the people that I love.
What I want to say is that mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago; she’s in stage 2 now. She’s been seeing a doctor for a year, but she tries so hard to hide it because she doesn’t want to upset me. Since dad’s death and Britney’s death, I’ve become very withdrawn from people. Mom knows everything that has happened in my life since we moved away.
I don’t know why I feel numb that I can’t feel my tears streaming, and I almost can’t understand what mom is saying because her voice is muffled in a sob. I don’t know what to say, but the physical contact and the way we sob is enough to show that we’re in pain, just like I’m living with cancer just like my mother.
“I… I feel like I’m going to leave you any time soon. That’s why I’m doing my best to be a good mother to you.” Mom says, stuttering.
“Mom, you can make it, right? We can find a doctor who can cure your illness.” I say, mumbling.
Mom starts nodding then shakes her head. “I don’t think that would be necessary.”
“What do you mean?” I ask. She’s not making any sense to me.
“I didn’t go to a doctor for treatment. I’m not even taking my medications.”
“But why?” I ask, sniffing.
“I want to see your father. It’s been four years. I really miss him.”
“You’re being unreasonable, mom. What about me?”
“You can make it. I already talked to Harry.”
Mom is giving up on life. That’s what she’s trying to say. I don’t want to be at that point where life doesn’t matter anymore and waiting for the end. I keep trying to convince mom to go for treatment, but she just keeps saying she wants to die, so she could see dad sooner, and in the end, whether she goes for treatment and all the procedures to slow her death with cancer or not, she’ll die anyway. She just says we’ll be wasting money, and I’ll be left alone with Harry as if we’ll be together forever.
Mom is curling my hair while I’m in the middle of crying over the eyeliner she just put on me. Then someone knocks on the door. I have absolutely no idea who it is, but of course, mom knows. She calls out Harry’s name. He enters the room and gives mom a quick peck (I never expect them to be this cozy with each other). I ask him what he’s doing here, and mom furiously twitches her eyebrows, saying Harry wants to come with us to my graduation ceremony. Like dude, that’s unnecessary.
A moment later, Harry drives us to school, but before he parks, I ask him again if he’s sure about coming. Of course, he is. All eyes are on us the moment we step out of his car, like we’re walking a Hollywood red carpet. People start taking pictures, and I’m sure our faces are all over the internet right now, with everyone saying crap about me. My friends find us at the back of the hall and ask for a group photo. Then they suggest Harry and I take one too.
The ceremony starts at nine, as expected. But because my boyfriend is literally Harry, people have a hard time paying attention. They keep whispering, and I know they’re talking about us. Call me paranoid, but I can feel it. When the ceremony ends, people swarm Harry for pictures, but he only looks at me—even though there are way prettier girls around. That’s when I realize: I’m in a relationship with someone who’s completely unfazed by attention. He doesn’t even look at them. We finally break free from the crowd, run to the car, and speed off. Once I get the chance to check my phone, I open Twitter and look at what everyone is tweeting. Harry peeks at my screen.
“Don’t mind them.” he says without looking directly at me.
Ironically, mom says the same thing as she reads the tweets aloud.
Harry has a plan no one else knows about. He parks next to a restaurant, and we silently follow him inside—his quietness is actually creeping me out. He motions to me, asking what I want to eat. I’m not really hungry, and I don’t even recognize the names on the menu. So I just tell him to order, and I’ll have the same thing.
After we eat, we drive twenty minutes to a park that’s showing a silent film. People are lying on the ground on picnic blankets. I ask mom if she knows about this, but she says no. We eat vanilla ice cream while watching the movie.
“After this, what’s the plan?” Harry asks.
“Are you talking to me?” I reply.
I look at him. His face glows under the black-and-white light from the screen, and for a moment, I want to kiss him. When he nods, I realize he’s not asking what’s next after this movie, but what’s next after graduation.
“Maybe… I’ll wait for you?” I say.
“She’s fine—actually ready to leave.” Mom cuts in.
“I want to get my diploma first.” I correct.
And that’s a month of waiting. I can’t just leave my friends behind. Maybe I’ll throw a farewell party, get drunk, and wake up with a hangover the next day. I’ve never been wasted in my life, and I’m not sure if I want to be. But I do want to spend my remaining days here with them. I don’t say all of this to Harry. I’m afraid he’ll be sad, and I fear mom might get the wrong idea—like she forced me to take the offer for her sake.
“It’s okay.” Harry says.