CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Faith.
I call Kirsty. We haven’t talked in a while. For the past two weeks I’ve left messages, but she hasn’t called me back. I send texts but get no reply. I desperately want to ask her opinion about whether or not I’m stupid for taking Dana at face value and not blocking her contact on my phone. When she answers, the stress bubble between my shoulder blades pops. “Hey, I was so worried about you.”
“Why?”
She sounds different, like she’s been crying. And it scares me. “Kirsty, talk to me. What am I missing?”
Her breath catches. “Everything.”
“Talk to me right now.” Guilt for not being a good friend rides along my nerve endings sparking a pang deep in my heart. I’m close to full panic mode.
“My mother found a lump. I’ve been losing my mind with worry. You live on the other side of the country. I need you here.”
She stops talking because she’s crying hard, and I start bawling, too.
“Oh my God.” My breath hitches. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. How long have you known?”
“Two weeks.” She sobs. “They did the biopsy four days ago. My grandmother died of breast cancer at fifty-four. I’m worried out of my mind, and I can’t talk to Mom about it. I don’t want her to worry about my worrying.”
“Kirsty, I’m so sorry. I’ll go to the cathedral and light a candle for her today. I’ll pray so hard.” My heart hurts, and I’m having trouble speaking beyond the tightness in my throat. “I can talk to my teachers, see if I can take a few weeks off.”
“Don’t. I’m talking crazy because I’m scared to death. I should’ve told you when we first found out.”
Pain stabs my heart. “Don’t keep stuff from me or block me from being there for you. You’re always here for me. You’re the sister of my heart.”
“I know. You’re mine, too.”
Tears leak from my eyes. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry I live on the opposite coast, and I can’t be there for you now when you need me.”
Kirsty blows her nose. “Never think that. It was me being stupid not calling you the second I found out. I didn’t want to say it out loud and make it true. I don’t want to lose my mom. Jesus, Faith, she’s only thirty-seven years old.”
“Tell me everything.”
She tells me about going to the oncology specialist for the biopsy. Her dad breaking down, sobbing in the car while her mom had the procedure. Her baby brother not being told what’s happening because it might be nothing. We talk for an hour.
“Get my mind off this please. What’s happening with you?” she asks.
Now is not the time to tell her about Chloe. Kirsty and her mom are tight. They have the kind of relationship I’ve always dreamed about having, except that’s impossible with mine. “A couple of things. First, I met Caleb’s ex. We ran into each other in the library.”
“Whoa. What happened?”
“She doesn’t have any friends. She needs someone not to judge her.”
“And she wants that someone to be you? This is off.”
I get Kirsty’s reaction. “I felt the same way at first. She made a horrible decision and her regret is palpable. Relatable.”
“Faith—”
“Kirsty. I took her to Dr. Boyd at Teen Space. That’s all. No more contact.”
“Fine.” Her sigh is loud. “I need you to be careful with his ex. I mean, what’s her motive? Wasn’t their breakup acrimonious? Do me a favor and don’t tune out your gut.”
“I won’t. I promised myself I’d tell Sinjin if she reaches out again.”
“Good plan. Better one is to block her contact.”
“Ha! I knew you’d suggest it. But for now I’m going to keep calm and carry on. Subject change. I told Sinjin about Dimitri.”
“Oh God. And his reaction?”
“Supportive.” And I share my biggest fear and what’s morphing into my greatest joy. “I’m falling for him. Hard.”
“That’s good. Sometimes you have to trust your instincts and believe your heart. I’m happy for you.”
“I’m letting go of my fears. I’m allowing myself to trust him.”
“Faith, you deserve some happy. You’re the best person I know. About his ex—”
“I’m going to have sex with him.” There. I just said it out loud.
I hear her indrawn breath. “Are you shitting me? When?”
“Unless I chicken out, soon. Maybe. I don’t know. I might talk myself out of it, but I let him touch my breasts and I didn’t punch him or puke.”
“Don’t overanalyze it. You’re falling for him. He’s your Prince Charming, right?”
“Right.” I laugh. Not long ago I used that moniker in a derogatory way, but no more.
“Faith, you need to go for it when you’re ready. Oh, hey, Mom’s calling. Talk to you soon, okay? Don’t forget to use a condom! And don’t fully trust his ex. We’ll talk more about this. Don’t do anything rash.”
I don’t want to disconnect. I want to crawl through the phone lines and be with her right now. But that’s impossible. “I won’t. Bye.”
I’m freaked out about Kirsty’s mom, which makes me think of my own. We’ve agreed to meet for coffee Saturday morning. And it occurs to me that maybe Chloe found a lump. Or she needs one of my kidneys. Maybe her sudden interest in me is health related? I don’t know how to feel about that. She could want to cause trouble between Dad and me.
Dad remains suspicious about her sudden appearance. He told me meeting with her is my decision. He’ll support me, whatever my choice. He’s my rock. After my classes on Friday, we’ll drive to Mt. Tamalpais and hit one of the mountain bike trails. It’s our thing, and Mt. Tam happens to be the birthplace of mountain biking.
Charlene steps into our room. She takes one look at my face and asks, “You’ve been crying. What happened?”
If we’re going to be friends, I have to open up with Charlene. “My best friend’s mom might have cancer. We won’t get the results for a few days. My friend needs me to be with her and I can’t.”
Charlene sits on my bed. “Wow. That’s terrible. I hope her mom doesn’t have the c-word.”
“Yeah, me too.”
She takes a deep breath. She starts to stand and then sits again. “I want to thank you for being nice to me the other day. I’ve never had a friend. Just Declan, my only boyfriend. And he’s more awkward than me.”
I can’t imagine. Kirsty was my friend through all the shit, all the teasing. She always had my back.
“You can practice with me.”
She starts to bounce her knees. Something she does when she’s agitated. “Will you still yell at me if I touch your things?”
“Let’s establish trust first, okay?”
“Hmm. Well, I forgot my student ID at the campus bookstore.” She shoots me a finger wave as she heads out the door.
Okay. I’m baffled by her abrupt exit. Then again, maybe the thought of being someone’s friend overwhelmed her for now. Or she expected immediate access to my desk. It’s odd to declare a truce. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and I can’t expect to form this friendship overnight either. We’ll work on her people skills first, then her tendency to trespass.
Kirsty doesn’t have to worry about Dana. She’s gone incommunicado anyway. I grab my backpack and check the front pocket to make sure I have everything I need. Today is Wednesday. Saturday I’ll meet with my Mom. Three days to obsess over it. Right now, Sinjin takes up most of the available space in my brain. I’m still floored Sinjin was so understanding about my trust issues. He boards a plane on Friday for the final away game at the University of Hawaii. Earlier in math class we made plans to hang out after his conditioning workout this afternoon.
We’ll start at his place, since he’ll want to shower and change after his workout. I wait for his text to tell me he’s downstairs. I’m already in the lobby when he texts me. I head out the door and lose my breath when he smiles at me, this gorgeous guy who wants to be with me.
“Hello, Sinjin.”
He smacks my lips in a loud kiss. “Lacerna.” He grabs my hand. “Let’s get out of here.”
I’m curious to see his place. I know it won’t be much different than Dad’s condo, but homes carry a vibe. Maybe I’ll get to meet Ty, his best friend. On the way to The Row, I tell him about my plans to meet Chloe.
“We have the place to ourselves for now. I’ll grab that shower. Make yourself at home. Help yourself in the kitchen.”
I wander into the kitchen and grab a water bottle from his fridge. The same granite counters and maple cabinets as Dad’s. I sit on a barstool at the counter to wait. Sinjin joins me a few minutes later. His dark hair is wet. He’s wearing jeans and a wine-colored T-shirt that makes his blue eyes brilliant.
“I’m always starved after conditioning.”
He opens the fridge and takes out a pizza box. “I’ll nuke a couple of slices for myself. Are you hungry?”
“That looks good. I’ll take a slice. Thanks.”
We eat, and he tells me Everest hit a personal best in dead lifts at practice. “You aren’t actually lifting anything deceased, right?”
He snorts out a laugh and explains to me what dead-lifting means. After we load our plates into the dishwasher, he turns to me. “I’ve been thinking about our situation. Since last weekend.”
Oh. Shit. I want him to spell it out because I have a knack for jumping to conclusions. “I don’t follow.”
He reaches for my hand. “I want to be with you when you’re ready to try. I won’t bring it up again. We’ll come up with a code word, like buttercup. Your signal to let me know you’re ready.”
I knew when he first spoke weeks ago this guy could be my downfall. But now I know he’s worth the risk. I look into his eyes and know I’m not just falling. I’m in love with him. Might as well face this head-on. Dad says, If you don’t ask the answer is always no.
I pull out a square of black material out of my backpack and hand it to him. My heart races. I need to explain what this means, but my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth.
Sinjin unfolds the cloth and sets it on the counter. “What’s this?”
I lick my lips. “Blindfold.” I’m certain I’m ready for this step right this minute with my clothes on. Time to know if I can see this through when they’re off. “Um…buttercup?”
His eyes open wide. “What, no handcuffs?”
My brain squeals to a stop. Shit. I hope he doesn’t think I’m going all dominatrix on him. Oh God. My face flames. I shake my head. I peek at his face and realize he’s joking. “The riding crop’s in my backpack.”
Sinjin laughs and places his hands on my face. He kisses my lips and pulls back. “Who’s supposed to wear the blindfold?”
I smack his arm lightly. “Sinjin, this is a huge step for me.”
He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close. “I know, which is why I’ll probably be forced to turn in my man card by saying we should wait.”
I shake my head.
He points to the blindfold. “This is a pretty clear indicator you’re not ready for this step.”
That comment is a strobe light flashing in my brain that he’s the real deal. “Baby steps, Sinjin. And we may not make it to naked.”
“Okay, Lacerna. I’ll wear it for you.” He leans down and kisses me softly on the lips. Then slides his lips over my chin and across my throat, and murmurs, “Having sex, being intimate, making love—use your own term—is supposed to be about pleasure, and sharing your body with someone you care about.”
Sinjin’s hands move from my waist to my shoulder blades and back down again while his lips continue to glide over my skin to the point below my left ear. His breath caresses my skin. Sinjin’s voice is pitched low. “Shame, embarrassment, all the negative bullshit, needs to be out of the equation. I don’t need to see you to be able to feel you or taste you.”
I don’t know if I can follow through with this, but I do know Sinjin is the one guy I’d consider taking this leap with. He pulls my earlobe into his mouth and gently nibbles me. Desire spears into my core.
“Are you sure you’re ready?” he asks.
I’m so turned on it takes me a beat to realize he’s asked me a question.
“Well, there’s my answer.” He steps backward. “We need to go bowling or to the batting cages tonight. I’m in the mood to find something I might beat you at.”
I shake my head. I’d kick his ass bowling. But he might beat me in a batting cage since I haven’t swung a bat in some time. I move forward, stand on my tiptoes, and kiss his lips. “Sinjin, you’re extraordinary.”
His grin spreads. “You haven’t seen me bowl yet.”
I reach into my front pocket and remove the condom I stashed there. I pluck the blindfold off the counter and pass it to him. “I want to be with you, Sinjin. I don’t know if I can go through with it, but I want to try.”
Sinjin closes his eyes, nods once, and puts his arm around me, leading me toward his bedroom. He gestures toward his bed, closes his door, and turns the lock. I sit on the edge of his bed, waiting for his next move.
He studies the crumpled condom package and sets it on his dresser. “I like the way you think, but I’m not willing to bet our combined fertility on a condom that’s been riding around in your pocket. How long?”
“Since after the Halloween party. It’s been a kind of talisman for me.”
“Face it, Lacerna. It’s been your worry bead. We’ll save it to press between the pages of our love story because the reliability factor of this condom is null and void.”
I laugh. I’m still nervous as hell, but he gets bonus points for trying to pull me out of my head.
He kicks off his shoes and opens his nightstand drawer. He removes a pristine condom from a box and sets it on top of the table, within easy reach of the bed. He leans down to kiss my temple. “If it’s okay with you, I’ll take my shirt off before I put on the blindfold.”
I nod and watch while he pulls his T-shirt over his head and it drifts to the floor. His sheer magnificence makes the breath stutter in my chest. He’s so freaking perfect I start second-guessing myself.
He bends to kiss me softly on the lips. “You’re in control. We do nothing you’re not comfortable doing. You can change your mind at any time. Remember that.” He climbs onto the bed, gathers the material into a blindfold, ties it at the back of his head, and reclines on the bed. His hands are at his sides. His body appears relaxed.
I cross to his window to close the blinds. I want as little light as possible. My heart thumps against my ribs, but he’s just lying in wait. Patient. I want to be normal. I pull off my shirt, kick off my flip-flops, and yank the band from my hair. The bed dips as I climb on next to Sinjin and lean down to kiss his lips. My left breast presses against his shoulder, and beneath my bra the nipple distends. My hair falls forward to envelop us both.
He reaches up to touch my hair and strokes a curl between his fingers. I’m nervous. I want him to touch me. I don’t know how to tell him what I want because I don’t know what that might be. My face hovers above his, and I’m ready to bolt, but desire floods my system. I want to explore that feeling, too.
“Faith, talk to me. Tell me what you want.”
I swallow. “I want you to touch me, but I’m not sure how I’ll react.”
“If I do something that doesn’t feel good, or that you don’t like, tell me.”
I lie back on the bed, next to him, self-conscious with my shirt off, wearing my bra. Maybe I should have asked him to remove it? Too late now.
Sinjin turns to his side, facing me. He reaches out, touches my stomach with the tips of his fingers, moving his hand slowly upward. His hand is nearly at my bra, and I’m doing my best not to panic, holding my breath. He moves his hand away, down toward my navel. His fingers brush my skin.
Goose bumps rise on my torso.
His hand follows the curve of my waist and over to my palm, resting next to my body. He uses his index finger to trace it, moving up and over my wrist. Sinjin draws a line to my elbow and circles the sensitive skin there. He inches toward my shoulder, crosses over to touch my collarbone. Feathering his fingers lower, he rests his hand. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me when to stop.”
My heart pumps hard, and I’m trying to decide whether it’s fear or something else. “Go slow.”
His finger reaches the top of my bra. “I’m going to trace along here. Nothing else. I just want to feel your skin. Learn your body. You’re so soft, Faith.”
Need blossoms within me. My body reacts to Sinjin’s touch and his voice. My toes curl, and deep in my core, something clenches like a fist. I let myself relax, close my eyes, and anticipate where he’ll touch me next. His finger stops at the center of my cleavage.
“Can I touch you here?”
I draw in a breath. Release it. I don’t want the damn hiccups. “Yes.”
Sinjin barely touches my skin. He skims his fingers back and forth, over and over, while my heart gallops, and my nipples contract. I open my eyes to track the movement of his hand. His erection strains against his zipper. Yet, his actions are slow, gentle, and cause my breath to stutter in my lungs. Remember to breathe, dummy.
“I want to touch your breasts. Okay?”
“Yes.” I brace myself. The last time I made him touch me I was so nervous, but this time I’m prepared. His hand moves up then slowly down my cleavage, the lightest caress, exploration not invasion.
I feel his touch through my bra. My gaze tracks the lazy pattern he sketches with his hand as he trails his index finger up and over the crest. My nipple distends and something pulls deep in my center. He draws lazy circles over the tip. I fist my hands. This feeling is new and good, not at all unnerving.
“Still with me? Do you want me to touch you somewhere else? I can’t see your reaction. I won’t know unless you talk to me.”
He’s so patient. “It feels good. Don’t stop.”
With my breast cupped in his hand, he touches my nipple with his thumb through the fabric of my bra. Perspiration beads at my hairline behind my neck. His lips touch my shoulder in an open-mouthed kiss. His teeth graze my skin. A shudder moves through him and into me as my body reacts to his touch.
“Faith,” he whispers against my shoulder, “I want to use my mouth on you.”
His softly spoken words cause my stomach muscles to contract and my nipples form tight peaks. I want to feel his mouth on me, this man I love. I’m breathless. “Yes.”
Sinjin positions himself on top of me. The bulk of his weight rests on his left elbow, arm bent, forearm and left hand down next to my face. He leans down and finds my lips with his. His tongue touches mine as his hand cups my breast and for the first time since they showed up on my chest, I wish I wasn’t wearing a bra. My sex cradles his erection. It feels substantial, proof his arousal matches mine.
I trail my fingers up and down his back, let my nails scratch lightly. His skin raises in goose bumps as our kiss deepens. He rubs my nipple between his thumb and index finger. I buck against him.
“Did I hurt you?” He quickly rolls off me.
And since we were near the edge and he’s blindfolded—he drops to the floor.
He lands on his back and the air whooshes out of his lungs. After a beat, he clunks his head against the hardwood floor. “Shit.”
I lean over the side of the bed to assess the damage. His arms are crossed in front of his face. I’m afraid to ask because I don’t trust myself not to laugh. I feel so bad. This wouldn’t have happened if he could see. I’m responsible for Prince Charming falling off his horse. “Are you okay?”
“I think I broke something.”
I scramble off the bed to his side. I don’t want to move him. “Oh my God. What hurts?”
He uncrosses his arms. “Mostly my pride. Definite damage to my ego.”
I smack his arm. “That’s not funny.”
“Is too.” And he starts to laugh. “This is me being suave. Do I have moves or what?”
I snort and then cough to cover my laugh. “Sinjin. I’m giving you a hand up, but be careful not to lean back—you’re close to the nightstand.”
I grab his hand to help him to his feet. “Step back and sit on the bed.”
He does what I ask. I push him so he’s lying down. His feet remain planted on the floor. “You do have moves.” I grab his hand, press it against my mouth. “You’re damn near perfect. Come on. Move to your right. I want to start over, Prince Charming.”
When he’s in the middle of the bed again, I settle next to him and say, “I want you on top of me again.”
“Fine. If I end up losing a tooth, it’s on your head.” He manages to climb on top of me without hurting himself.
“Shut up and kiss me,” I demand.
Sinjin leans down and trails his mouth against my neck. His lips move over my skin. He licks the pulse, uses his teeth to nibble. His lips skim over my chest, sliding lower, kissing and licking my sensitive skin. His mouth slides across my bra cup to find my nipple, traces it with his mouth, and gently scrapes the tip through the cloth. My hips come off the bed to rock against his.
“Shh, relax or we’ll end up at Urgent Care.” His face rests against my breast, while he reaches for my other breast. He kneads my nipple between his thumb and finger. “I can stop at any time. I just want to make you feel good.” His voice sounds hoarse.
I go damp.
He takes my nipple into his mouth. My nipple strains against the wet cloth. I wonder how it would feel to have Sinjin’s mouth on my bare skin, and my nipple in his mouth? My abdomen contracts at the thought.
“Take off my bra,” I say before I lose all courage.
We move to our sides, and he reaches behind me to find the clasp. His hand maneuvers the fastening, and the first hook releases. “Kiss me, Faith.”
I press my lips to his and the second clasp comes loose. My tongue touches his and the third releases, freeing my breasts. His hand moves to my shoulder to pull the strap down and off my arm. Sinjin presses against my shoulder to move me flat on my back, following me down without breaking the kiss. He lifts his head and leans back to skim his hand across my body to locate the other strap, and then he removes my bra completely. My breasts are bare to him, and I don’t feel awkward or nervous.
Sinjin can’t see through his blindfold. He can touch me with his hands or use his mouth. He’s willing to do this for me and to stop if I ask him to. It makes the moment more erotic than any fantasy I’ve ever had, better than all sex scenes I’ve read in books. Sinjin straddles me and moves his hands up my torso to my breasts. He cups my breasts in each of his hands. He’s so gentle touching them, leaning forward to skim his lips over my right breast to find the nipple. He runs his tongue over the tip. He moves to my left breast and draws the nipple into his mouth.
His tongue swirls, and I moan. His left hand props him, holding the bulk of his weight off me. He uses his right to play with my nipple. Sensations erupt as he caresses me, and I’m inundated by what he’s doing to me. My body reacts. Pressure coils tighter inside me, and there’s slickness between my legs.
Sinjin increases the tempo. At the same time, he mirrors the movement with his hand on my other breast. It turns me on so damn much. I’m nearly there. I’m panting trying to catch my breath, focusing on what he’s doing to my body. I want to come.
He removes his hand from my breast and slides it down my stomach into my pants. “Are you close?”
I moan. I can’t help it.
Sinjin pulls my nipple back into his mouth as he moves his hand on top of my underwear to find the place I really need to be touched. I am mindless with need. I spread my legs a bit to give him access. And he uses his finger to part me through the fabric. He rubs in circles, applying pressure. So close, almost there. He presses down, and my eyes slam shut as the orgasm buzzes through my body. “Flugerplam.”
“What was that?”
“Nnnerb.”
Sinjin laughs softly. He continues to move his finger between my legs, while sucking my nipple. The orgasm rocks through me. I’m staggered by what he’s made me feel and how he made me forget. I squeeze my legs together, and he slides his hands out of my pants and up my torso. Sinjin speaks against my breast. “Faith, you’re so hot. I almost came with you.”
Pressing my body against his, I seek his lips with mine, and lick into his mouth. I’m so alive. My nerve endings still tingle. He groans when I rub my body against his. I want to be bold, lick every square inch of his body and taste his skin. I want to know what it feels like to have him inside me. To give him what he gave me. Pleasure.
Wrapping my hands around his back, and my leg around his hip, I reverse our positions so he’s flat on his back with me on top. I choose my words with care. I can’t blurt that I love him, even though I do. My heart swells with the knowledge that I love him, this gorgeous, sexy, and patient guy who wants me. I want so much for him to be my first.
“Sinjin, I want to touch you.”
I trail open-mouth kisses down his neck to his chest and swirl my tongue against his nipple. It distends and I move my mouth to his other nipple. Blowing softly on his wet nipple, I watch it go hard.
He shudders.
I lower my mouth to his torso and lick his perfect six-pack abs. I use my tongue to trace their shape. His warm skin smells like the shower gel he favors. I nip his tight belly and feel his muscles tighten. My body partially drapes across his, and Sinjin’s erection presses between my naked breasts. Somehow it reminds me of Dimitri. I don’t know why he’s suddenly between us. Nothing similar between the two of them or what happened between Dimitri and myself, but I move off Sinjin. My breath catches, and I wipe my mouth.
His hand moves across the bed to find me. “Faith, what’s wrong?”
I need my bra. I don’t see it, but my shirt is on the floor on the side of the bed. I reach for it and put it on. No need to panic, I tell myself. I press my fist against my mouth.
Sinjin sits up. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
I shake my head, but he can’t see me. He reaches up to take off the blindfold, and I cry out, “Please don’t.”
He raises his hands in surrender. “I won’t. I promise. Talk to me.”
I swallow and take a breath. “I’m sorry—” My vocal cords clamp like a vise, and I lose my voice. I whisper, “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I want normal, but I can’t fucking do it. I’m so damn mental about every damn thing.”
He lowers his hands to his knees. “Define normal.”
“You know what I mean.”
His head turns in the direction of my voice. He respects me enough to keep the blindfold in place. His voice remains calm. “You’re telling me you’re not normal. What the hell, Faith? Something that makes my dick hard as a rock may not make you hot. Two people come together to create their own normal. We figure it out. Together.”
He’s not angry. He’s not making accusations. He’s not acting like any guy I know. He’s not mad because his pants are still on and I haven’t reached for his zipper out of guilt or to force a connection. We are having a conversation about sex, and there’s no bitterness. “I’m so sorry. I ruined this for us.”
“Faith, don’t think that. It’s okay to stop. I’m not going to get mad. We can try again some other time when you feel ready. There’s no timer ticking on this.”
“I’d like to try again.” I sit on the bed and place my hand on top of his. “Like now?”
He squeezes my hand. “Whatever you want.”