CHAPTER THIRTY THREE

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE
Garrick's Point Of View

I can't exactly explain how I feel. I've felt grief before, the sharp sting of loss, the dull ache of regret, but this...this is different. It's like a goddamn vice around my chest, squeezing the air from my lungs, making it difficult to breathe.

My eyes stung with unshed tears, a weakness I refuse to acknowledge. I really shouldn't let this weigh me down, shouldn't let it break through the carefully constructed walls I've built around my emotions, but unfortunately I feel so numb, so utterly pissed, that it's a fucking struggle just to keep standing.

I didn't even offer a polite excuse before I left the table. I could feel Silvana's gaze boring into my back, like a silent plea for me to stay, but I needed to be alone to gather my thoughts, I needed to escape the suffocating atmosphere of the hall. The fake smiles, the forced laughter, the hollow condolences....it was all too much.

I left the palace building, the fresh air doing little to ease the pressure in my chest. I leaned against the rough bark of an oak tree in the garden. Removing a cigarette from my pocket, I lit it with the lighter in my hand, inhaling the smoke deep into my lungs, a habit I haven't been able to shake despite Silvana's gentle prodding.

"Bad habits don't die easily, do they?" I heard a voice say behind me, a familiar voice that sent a wave of irritation washing over me. I knew who it was without even turning back.

Ravenna.

"Do you enjoy lurking in the shadows, always nosing into my business?" I asked without even glancing back at her.

I heard her sigh softly. "That's not it, Garrick,"

"Then what do you want?"

For fucks sake, I just want to be left alone to grieve, to process this goddamn mess in my own way.

She let out another sigh which was starting to get on my nerves, then the soft crunch of footsteps on the gravel path. She stood in front of me, her eyes staring into mine. She was worried, I could see it in her eyes, but I didn't want her concern neither did I need it.

"I'm worried about you, Garrick," she said, her eyes still boring into mine.

"Don't," I snapped, taking another drag from my cigarette.

"I have every right to be," she retorted, her voice hardening.

"No, you don't,"

Her frown deepened as she folded her arms across her chest. "I'm not talking based on our past,"

"I still don't care," I said, blowing a cloud of smoke directly into her face, a childish act born of frustration. "I need to be alone, so leave,"

"No, you don't," she countered, her voice firm, unwavering. "You need someone by your side,"

"And that's not you. Plus, I'm fine," 

"You aren't fine," she insisted, her eyes searching mine.

My anger was rising by the second, fueled by her stubbornness, her refusal to let me be. "I said I am, this is nothing. Death is normal,"

"Yes, it is," she nodded. "Death is normal, but it's still a reality we don't want to accept, and that's what's wrong with you," she said, her voice softer now.

"No,"

"Yes," she moved forward and gently touched my forearm, her fingers brushing against my skin, sending another wave of irritation in me. "You really should let yourself feel the hurt, Garrick, and stop pretending you're made of stone,"

Years ago, her touch may have had an affection for me. But now? I shrugged her hand off. "Don't touch me," I warned, my voice deadly.

A flicker of pain and disappointment flashed in her eyes, but it quickly disappeared as it came, replaced by a resigned acceptance.

"There's no breaking through your walls, is there, Garrick?" She asked in a tone laced with a hint of sadness.

I leaned in closer to her, not too close. "Ravenna, you really should understand what they call boundaries."

Then, I felt a presence behind me, a familiar warmth cut through my anger. I moved back and turned to see Silvana standing at the entrance of the garden, staring directly at me and Ravenna, her eyes wide, confused...and hurt. Even though I was far from her, I could see the pain etched on her face, the question in her eyes.

"Someone's jealous," I heard Ravenna say, her voice laced with amusement.

I ignored her and called out for Silvana. "Morgana." Slowly, she started walking toward me, her eyes still fixed on Ravenna with a mixture of confusion and disdain.

"Garrick," she said as she finally moved much closer and wrapped her arms around my waist, leaning her head on my chest. "Why are you out here?"

"Nothing much,"

Ravenna then cleared her throat. "Well, I'll get going then. Goodnight lovers," she said and began to walk away, then stopped, turning back to face us. "Oh, and Garrick, prepare yourself. Tomorrow will be the meeting that decides the final fate of Eryk, but whatever happens, he must take the throne. He is the only one capable." Before I could even argue, she disappeared into a puff of smoke, leaving us alone in the moonlighter. I let out a deep breath and tossed away the cigarette, not even realizing it had burnt down to the hilt, scorching my fingers.

"Garrick?" Silvana called out softly, her voice breaking through the fog of my thoughts. She wrapped her arms tighter around me. "It's okay," she whispered, her voice laced with warmth and comfort. "You have every right to feel sad, just don't run off to be alone. I'm here with you, always. You can always rely on me and rest on your shoulders," she then let go of me and held my face in her palms, forcing me to look directly into her eyes. "It's normal, Garrick. You also have a heart, don't act like you don't and you're made of bricks when you aren't. Just don't let this weaken you, rather become stronger than you have ever been."

Her words and soft voice broke through my walls, shattering the carefully constructed defenses I had erected around my heart. Never had I ever let anyone this close to me, never had I ever let anyone seen me this vulnerable.

I could feel my heart tightening, the grief and anger threatening to overwhelm me. Unable to say anything, unable to express the turmoil raging inside me, I just pulled her close, wrapping my arms around her, embracing myself in her comfort, burying my face in her hair, inhaling her scent.

In reality, this was all I needed and I never knew. Her presence, her warmth, her support. She was all I needed, my lifeline in this storm of grief and uncertainty. With her side, I knew I could face anything, even the darkness that threatened to consume me.