172 - Noel

*Tears are healthy. Sometimes, even clouds cry. – Noel*

There was no investigation into Becks’ death. Dr. S signed off on what was declared a home death. The family moved back to the compound and Molly spent hours wrapped up in the quilt that Dixie had made for Becks. Sometimes he would have a child or two in his lap as he rocked. Other times, one of his pretties would join him.

Frequently, he sat there by himself.

He looked up at the knock on the door and saw Noel entering the nursery. As she moved closer to him, he opened his arms, and she settled on his lap. With her head on his chest and arms around his waist, he wrapped her in the blanket.

They rocked in silence as they both cried. Lightly, he pressed a kiss to her hair and then rested his chin on the top of her head. His arms tightened around her, and she held him as the tears fell and sobs racked his body.

It was several minutes before he broke the silence with a whispered confession.

“I don’t know if I can do this without her.”

“I know.” She whispered back. Moving away from his chest, she reached up and held his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. “This grief, it will never go away. You are going to miss her for the rest of your life. But as you continue to live, the pain will lessen. And one day, you will smile again.”

He tried to shake his head, but she held it still.

“Becks was your heart and soul. I’ve heard you say that for years. But you love your other pretties, right?”

“Yes. I do love them.”

“Tell me what you love about Tammy.”

He swallowed hard and then smiled. “She has this no-nonsense, take no bullshit attitude. She and Becks would butt heads, but they always worked through whatever sparked the argument. She calls me out on my bullshit.”

Chuckling, he reached up and tucked some of her hair behind her ear. Gently, he twisted the pink around his finger.

“She called me, to come save her after Nine Eleven and some assholes had her trapped in the bathroom at Costco. Always says that I saved her. But later she saved me.”

He took a deep breath and then slowly let it out.

“When we lost Jess, I felt so guilty because I had said that I could live without her. But I couldn’t live without my Becks. Tammy brought my drunk ass home and told me that just like many hands make the work lighter, many hearts lessen the grief.”

“I’m so proud of her. Everything she’s accomplished. Did you know that she was not even allowed to attend school past fifth grade? She taught herself. Took beatings to go to her father’s library. And look at her now, a physician’s assistant.”

“She is great.” Noel agreed as she released his face and ran fingers down his long beard. “What do you love about Alicia?”

Smiling, his eyes sparkled as he thought about the spunky redhead. “She has this fire inside her. And she’s so fucking strong. And compassionate. I can still see her that first night with me and Becks. So beautiful and open. There’s this ….” He sighed as he looked for the right words, “this … vibrant fire with everything that she does.”

“You should see her over at the animal hospital,” he chuckled, “keeps my dad on his toes and my mom adores her. The animals flock to her, and honestly, so do the kids.” Memories flashed before him as he slowly began to rock again.

“She was so upset with me, that very first morning. She thought that I was cheating on my wife. Then she discovered that they shared me. She didn’t judge them. But she made sure that I was treating them right. She still does.”

“I’ve seen her call you out on getting an attitude with one of the others.” Noel smoothed down his hair before shifting so that she was facing him head on. She rested her knees on either side of his hips and her feet hung off the front of the seat between his legs. “What do you love about Yvonne?”

Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back and a soft smile appeared on his face amidst all the hair.

“She’s my sensitive pretty. Always knows when someone else is stressed or needs something. She always knows when one of the littles needs some space or a hug. Usually knows what I need.” His voice dropped to just above a whisper. “Even when I don’t. Except right now. I don’t know if anyone knows what I need right now.”

Noel shifted on his lap and his hands instinctively moved to her hips to make sure she didn’t fall. Rising onto her knees, she looked down at him and cupped his face again. Using her thumbs, she swiped away his tears as she looked down at him.

“What you need is to grieve. We all need to grieve.”

“Many hearts.” He whispered.

She nodded and whispered the words back to him. “Many hearts. And many hearts are grieving right now. We are grieving with you, Molly. You are not alone.”

“I feel lost.”

“I know. And we’re going to help you find your way back to us.”

His arms moved up and pulled her against his chest. She settled against him and rested her cheek over his heart and listened to it pumping. She was very much hands on with her clients as she helped them come to terms with their death. And then helping the surviving family and loved ones move forward and continue to live.

But she typically was not *this* hands on with her clients. Becks had been a special case. Now Molly and his family were the special case. And she had no problems giving him, his pretties and all his littles extra care.

“Tell me about Michaela.”

His chest rumbled slightly under her cheek as he laughed. “When she was the bartender, the club had the fewest fights in recorded history.”

“I heard about the shotgun and tampons.” Noel laughed. “I would’ve placed bets on it with the rest of you guys.”

“She saved Priss… not like life or death in a physical sense but in a teenager sense. She tried to color her own hair and I’ve been told it was horrible. Michaela fixed it and made Priss feel good about herself. She did it with Becks too.”

He swiped tears away with his hand. “My pretties… they were so beautiful… so fucking beautiful with their heads shaved. All of their beautiful hair… gone because they loved my Becks. Our Becks.”

Taking a deep, ragged breath, he tightened his arms around her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“My pretty Michael made sure that that all my pretties were beautiful. Not because they looked pretty or beautiful, I thought – think that they are all beautiful no matter how they look. You know when they are the prettiest? Actually, when any woman is the prettiest?”

“When?” Noel asked.

“It’s those moments when they should be overwhelmed by so many things going on. Kids, dinner, school, work, husband, sports… all of it. And women just look around at the sinking ship, grab the floating debris and build the next *Queen Anne’s Revenge*.”

“I think the *Queen Anne’s Revenge* sank.” Noel pointed out quietly. Sitting up, she smiled at him. “Maybe the *Mighty Mo*, she’s still afloat.”

“How about the *Enterprise*?” Molly suggested with a smile and Noel nodded. “Michaela makes them feel pretty, makes them confident, so that they can build their next ship. Same with the littles. They might be building a canoe. But they are still learning from strong women.”

“They have a strong man as their father.” She gave him a small smile. “Even when he doesn’t feel very strong.”

“I’m not strong at all right now.”

“Yes, you are. And you have your pretties and your littles to support you until you can support yourself again.”

“Thank you, pretty.”

“You’re welcome. Why do you love Jess?”

She knew the question surprised him. It was clearly written on his face. But surprise gave way to a smile.

“Jess made my Becks happy. Gave us our Priscilla. Made Becks comfortable enough to admit that she liked women. Opened both of us to the idea that we could have a larger family than what we thought. That we could love more than one person.”

“And none of them want you to give up. I don’t want you to give up. You have so many people that love you, need you. I’m one of them.” She gave him a watery smile. “You’ve been there for so much … You and your family.”

He wiped her tears away this time.

“We need you, Molly.”