Chapter 31 Feelings out
"Tell me honestly Bea, you're still mad at me about what happened way back then aren't you? I know you don't wanna talk about it but don't you think it's time for us to talk about it now?" He then broke the silence after a long moment
She stared back at him. Did he really want to talk about it right now? They were supposed to be enjoying and having fun. Why does he have to spoil it by recalling the past? He knew that she was not comfortable talking about it so she better forget it than rekindle an old flame that will turn out to destroy everything. This actually the conversation she doesn't wanna happen after they decided to have a truce because she knew she might say words that will hurt him.
"We're okay now, why do you still have to bring it back?" She said starting to feel upset.
"I still wanna know because I want a closure between us. I know you used to hate me so much. I can't blame you because I'm such a jerk way back then." She really doesn't wanna talk about it. It's the last thing she would want to talk about.
"I wanna know what you feel behind it. I want to take away that anger that serves as a wall from us. I wanted us to pursue our lives without you still holding a grudge on me or the past." He said seriously.
She pulled out a long deep breath before she decided to speak as she stare back straight into his deep blue orbs. This is what he wants, she just hopes they won't regret this conversation in the end.
"Do you honestly wanna know?" she stated as anger and accusations radiated in he eyes.
If she has to choose, she will never want to talk to him about the past. She might say words that hurt him or worst destroy the friendship they started to build again. But he was asking for it, he was insisting about it so better give him what he wants.
"You are really an asshole way back then, Thyago. Do you know how it felt to be kicked when you're already down? That's what you did to me. To keep on earning insults when everything seems to fall apart? To feel so alone but there's no one you can turn to and the last people you thought will care and understand you, will turn their backs on you? That was exactly I felt, Thyago." she stated angrily as a tear automatically fell on her cheek.
She wiped it in a haste but Thyago caught that as she continues. Never thought that she will have a chance to say all of these words to him, now it's her chance. To tell him how disappointed and how he loathed him before. He was a real jerk and he should know that!
"I tried to talk to you to explain my part but you seem so hard to reach. You were avoiding me, you think I didn't notice that? But still, I tried my luck over and over again because I don't wanna lose you, I don't wanna lose our friendship. It's the only thing I got that keeps me from going at that time but you just take that away from me Thyago. Do you know how hard it is when everything starts to lose on your grip? Mackie died, Hannah is mad and doesn't wanna talk to me, everyone on the campus makes fun of me and you? You also turned your back on me." She stopped for a moment and look upward to prevent her tears from falling down. The pesky tears that wanted to come out of her eyes disgust her and made her feel frustrated.
"I know how stupid I am to have a crush on you and to even chronicled that in a diary alright, but believe me when we became friends, I accepted that you will never like me at all. I got contented by just friends and never ask for more." She heaved a breath and try to compose herself. She suddenly felt like suffocating.
"Did I insist my feelings on you and demanded you to love me back? No! I kept it because I know it will spoil our friendship. I kept it because I know it will draw you away from me. But when you find out, you avoided me like I'm some kind of a contagious disease. You were heartless, Thyago."
"I am sorry, I was confused and--- "
"Stop and listen! I'm not yet done!" She cut him off.
"I knew my mistakes, I shouldn't befriend you from the very beginning. But to humiliate me and makes fun out of my misery? You don't know how that hurts when it comes from the person you thought was your friend. I know I was foolish that time, but I don't deserve that, nobody deserves that either."
She could see in his eyes the surprise, pain, and devastation in his eyes but what she feels right now was more than painful. He asked for this confrontation, so he better knows her misery.
"But you know? That taught me a lot. I learned to be strong and gain self-confidence. When we left the town, I also left the old gullible and stupid Bea there. I became fiercer and stronger. In my new school, I promised myself that I will never be bullied or be a laughing stock again. I will fight if I have to. Well, I carry that attitude even in aiming my dreams. I gain success after all." She then put out a smile afterward, a smile that didn't reach her eyes.
A long silence took place between them again but for her, it's better that way than hear him say sorry. What for? The damage had already been done and there ain't nothing he can do to bring things back to fix it. He shouldn't ask this confrontation. She decided to forget and move on about it and yet she knew a part of her still hurting every time she would try to remember it.
"I know sorry and apologies are the words you don't wanna heed by now. I know I'm stupid for letting those bullies make fun of you and I feel like stupid still because I did nothing to stop them. I'm an asshole because I turn my back on you when you needed me most because I was so stupid enough to think I was betrayed and so selfish to only think of my feelings without considering yours. I got afraid to let my feelings be shown and get noticed, Bea. Yes, I'm a real jerk and I deserve to be hated." She got stunned when she saw his eyes a glint of tears.
"But would you believe me that I changed myself because of what happened?" She could now feel the warm liquid that's quickly flowing in her cheeks too as they held gazes.
"I changed myself to become a better person to be worth in everyone's praises. You are the main reason for that changes, Bea. When you left, you made me realized how selfish and heartless I am to not even care about others' feelings. I've hurt you and you left because of me. Believe me I searched for you, I even asked Hannah where to find you. She said you both lost contacts and I hate that girl for lying to me! I got so devastated for losing you without even saying sorry. Believe me, I regret hurting you. Would you believe me that I promised myself that If I ever see you again, I'll make it up to you and apologize for hurting you? Now I'm here in front of you, asking you for another chance. I know you hate sorry but I will still take a chance and will never stop saying it until you are ready to forgive me. I wouldn't care if it will take a long time or it will take forever. I just want to let you know that I change because of you." A part of her wants to believe him but a part of her was still hesitating.
"Can you still find a way in your heart to forgive and forget the past?" He said it in a devastated tone and that caught her sympathy.
"That is not for you to ask, Thyago. I will tell you soon if I have totally forgiven you." She replied bitterly.
She was left dumb. He came closer to her then and gently wipe away her tears. That gesture touched her. Somehow she was thankful they finally talk about this matter. It's like a heavy thing was taken away from her chest. She never thought they needed this closure when she believe all along that it should have been forgotten a long time ago. She heard him spoke words of thankfulness and in just a blink of an eye, she found herself being wrapped around by his arms.
They finally got the closure which had been long overdue. It felt good to finally let him know her part and bring out her pain and anger towards him. It felt good being wrapped by his arms, she felt secure and safe. She shouldn't be feeling this way towards him but damn, it really felt so good. Just good enough to make her wish they can stay this way for a long time and she will be completely satisfied. This is wrong and she was fully aware of it. But just this moment, she would want to let her feelings out...