Chapter 19 THE FIRST TIME HE SAYS IT
"This is it," I said as my street appeared.
Alexander pulled up.
Jake opened his door and got out and opened mine for me and I stepped out onto the pavement.
"Thanks for last night," Jake said. He leaned down and pressed his lips to my cheek.
"Thanks for calling me pretty," I said.
He laughed. "You remember that?"
"I remember everything," I said.
He shook his head smiling and got back in the car.
I looked out the window.
Alexander was looking straight ahead.
I waited. He did not turn.
"Bye, guys." I said.
"Bye." Jake said but they didn't drive off yet.
I turned and walked to my front door. Behind me, I heard the car sit at the kerb.
I did not look back. I found my key, put it in the lock and pushed the door open.
From the kerb, I heard the car finally pull away.
I stood in my hallway.
The house smelled like home and my mother's perfume. A place that was so small and a little worn out.
I pressed my back against the closed door, put my hands over my face and....
"I am in love with Alexander Hollander."
That thought arrived again. Exactly the same way it had arrived last night.
I stood in my hallway for a long time.
Then I went to check on Mom.
Alexander's POV:
It was a Tuesday.
I remember because Tuesdays were football and swim practice back to back and by the end of them, my body was pumped enough that my mind usually went quiet.
Usually the physical efforts crowded everything else out and I could just exist for a few hours without thinking about anything in particular.
It was not working today.
I was standing at the edge of the pool in my swim gear watching the rest of the team finish their laps and my mind was doing exactly what it always did now.
Lily. The sofa and the music that day. The way she had looked down at me.
I pushed it all down.
I was good at pushing things down. I had been doing it for two years.
Since the first time I noticed Lily Danvers in a way that was inconvenient and poorly timed and made completely no sense given that she was human and quiet and wore glasses that were slightly too big for her face and ate cold pasta out of a plastic box.
Since the first time I had been so cruel to her because being cruel was easier than being honest and I was seventeen and stupid and did not know what to do with something I had not asked to feel.
I had been pushing it down ever since but now I was getting worse at it.
Jake appeared beside me.
He had finished his laps and was pushing his wet hair back with both hands and breathing steadily. He looked at the pool. Then he looked at me.
"You missed the turn," he said.
"I know," I said.
"Twice," he said.
"I know Jake. I'm just.... bored."
He was quiet for a moment. Then he sat down on the edge of the pool and let his legs hang in the water.
I sat beside him.
The rest of the team were finishing up with their voices echoing off the tiles. There was the smell of chlorine and cold air.
"Can I tell you something?" Jake said.
I looked at the water.
"Always," I said.
He was quiet for a moment. In a way that meant he was choosing his words. Jake did not usually choose his words. He said things the way he did everything.
Blatantly and easily, without consideration. When he chose his words it meant something.
I waited.
"I think I am falling for Lily," he said.
The pool disappeared.
My hands were on the edge of the tiles on either side of me and I pressed them flat and looked at the water and the water looked back at me.
"Danvers?" I said.
"Come on, man. Do you know another Lily?" he said.
I said nothing.
"I know," Jake said. "I know it is strange. She is.... she is not who I would have expected. She was your enemy. She is not...." He paused. "She is not the kind of girl I usually...."
He paused for a long time.
"Damn, man. Let's hear it." I said.
"There is something about her," he said finally. "When she laughs. When she argues. When she does that thing where she hands me things before I reach for them and pretends she is not doing it on purpose." He shook his head. "I cannot stop thinking about her, Alexander."
I looked at the water. I looked at it very carefully.
Something was happening in my chest.
"Alexander," Jake said.
"Mm," I said.
"Did you hear me?"
"I heard you," I said.
"You are not saying anything."
"I am thinking about what to say," I said.
Jake looked at me sideways.
"I thought you would laugh," he said. "Or say something cutting. You usually say something cutting."
"I do not always say something cutting, remember." I said.
"You usually do though," he said.
I said nothing. He stared at the pool.
"Is it weird?" he said. "That it is Lily?"
Yes. Oh, stupid me.
"No," I said.
"She is just...." He exhaled. "She looked at me last night before I fell asleep. And she had this expression.... like she actually...." He stopped. "....like I actually mattered to her. Not the football or the family or any of it. Just me."
I pressed my palms flat against the tiles. I was aware of every muscle in my jaw.
"She is good at that," I said carefully.
"At what?"
"Making people feel like they matter," I said.
Jake looked at me. I looked at the water.
"That sounds....," Jake said slowly.
"It is an observation, man." I said.
"Alexander, you like her too.”