81. Ballad Of Easy Rider

- - - - - Two Weeks Later - - - - -

~ Killian ~

Two weeks had gone by so fast. Before they knew it, it was already the last night of Killian and Audrey’s honeymoon. Sure, being in Bermuda was great, but Killian enjoyed spending uninterrupted quality time with Audrey the most. He couldn’t care less of what they were doing as long as they did it together. And they did everything together, from exploring around the island to trying out the local food, and visiting historical sites that she liked so much.

The days went by so fast, but the nights were a bit more troubling for Killian. Ever since the accident, Killian had been having trouble sleeping. Every time he closed his eyes, he was back at the steering wheel again. He’d try to drive away to safety, but the end result was always the same.

Letting out a deep sigh, Killian opened his eyes and decided he won’t be sleeping again tonight. He rolled off the bed slowly so he wouldn’t wake Audrey up. Audrey didn’t know that he was having trouble sleeping because he didn’t tell her on purpose. They’d always go to bed together, but he’d wake up in the middle of the night and stayed up until sunrise. And then he’d do it all over again.

Killian tried taking sleeping aids, but those things didn’t work and it only made him feel worse. The only thing he could do now was wait to pass the time. If he was back in New York, he’d be in his home office and do some productive work. But since he was out here in Bermuda without his laptop and phone, all he could do was stand outside on the balcony and talk to the moon. Killian took one last look at Audrey who was sleeping soundly on the bed. He let out a small smile.

Funny how a king-sized bed can fit my entire world.

Killian then made his way out to the balcony. He was being stealthy and he didn’t make a sound. Once he was outside, he let out a deep breath, stared at the dark waters ahead, and listened to the sound of waves crashing. If he listened hard enough, he could almost hear a voice.

“Kill…? Killian?” the small voice spoke.

Cas…? Is that you?

“Killian?” the voice got louder all of a sudden. Killian realized it was coming from inside the house. He turned around and saw Audrey standing at the door.

“Oh, hey,” he said. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, I was going to pee,” she shook her head. Being seven months pregnant, Audrey was peeing at least fifteen times a day. “What are you doing here?” she asked.

“I can’t sleep,” he shrugged.

Audrey narrowed her eyes at him. She noticed the bags under his eyes and how he was always tired in the daytime. At first, she thought it was the baby stress, but now she saw something else.

“You’ve been doing this a lot, haven’t you?” she asked.

Busted.

“Well, kinda…”

“How long?”

Killian knew he couldn’t lie to her. He let out a sigh and raked his hair with his hand in defeat.

“Since Caspian’s…”

“What?” she gaped, and he just shrugged again.

“I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’d close my eyes and I’d still be wide awake,” he said.

Audrey took a step closer to him. Her eyes were filled with concern.

“Kill, why didn't you tell me?” she said as she reached for his face.

“I don’t want you to worry,”

“Killian, we should go to the doctor and get you checked up,” Audrey was worrying anyway.

“No, it’s not that big of a deal,” he shook his head.

“You haven’t slept for six months,” she stated. “I think that’s a big deal,”

Killian knew better than to make his pregnant wife worry. He didn’t want to argue with her. And the last thing he wanted to do was add stress to the baby. So Killian nodded his head and he obeyed.

“Alright, we’ll do it when we get back,”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The first thing Audrey made him do when they got back to New York City was to see a sleep therapist. Immediately after they got off the plane, she already booked him an appointment with the best doctor in town.

Killian didn’t feel like seeing a therapist for this, but he only did it to please his wife. It didn’t take long before the doctor diagnosed him with PTSD. The doctor gave him some medication and Killian was told to do cognitive behavioral therapy for his recurrent nightmares.

Whatever, he thought to himself.

He did everything the doctor told him to do. He stopped drinking coffee and smoking, he started meditating, he did imagery rehearsal treatment, and he even tried doing damn yoga exercises in the day. But nothing was working.

Killian didn’t want to tell Audrey that the treatment wasn’t working because he knew she’d worry about him. Instead, he’d pretend to fall asleep with her every night and wake up when she was out. He knew he couldn’t keep this up forever, but he had to do it for now. Reliving the nightmare of losing Caspian was just too much to bear.

Killian slowly peeled himself away from Audrey’s hug and rolled from the bed. He tiptoed out of their room and he was about to go into his home office when he saw the door to Caspian’s room slightly ajar.

Killian walked over and pushed the door further. He turned on the lights and saw the walls had been painted a soft pink color. There was also floral wallpaper on one side of the wall. Right in front of the wallpaper was a small wooden crib.

“So you turned my room into a nursery,”

Killian looked to the side and saw Caspian leaning against the window. His dirty blonde hair was long and messy like always. And he was wearing that signature cócky smile of his.

“You don’t mind, do you?” Killian said.

Caspian shook his head. “Nah, anything for my baby girl,” he said.

Seeing and talking to Caspian wasn’t a new phenomenon. Killian had been doing this ever since he got back from Bermuda. Maybe it was the effects of the drugs or the therapy, but whatever it was, Killian didn’t hate it. He knew it was just in his head, but Killian always enjoyed his late-night talks with imaginary Caspian.

“She’s gonna be here in two months, Cas,” Killian beamed. “I can’t wait to see her,”

Walking closer to the crib, Killian found a can of paint and some paintbrushes by the side. He remembered something about Audrey wanting to change the color of the crib. Killian rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and he got to work right away.

“But still, it’s kinda scary. I still don’t know what to do or say to the baby,” Killian continued.

“It’s a baby, Kill. You don’t gotta talk to it,” Caspian scoffed.

“Yeah, but what happens when she grows up? And she’s asking questions that I don’t have the answer for?”

Caspian walked closer and leaned back against the wallpapered wall. He was shaking his head and crossing his arms.

“You don’t gotta do anything. You just gotta be with it,” he said.

Killian looked up at his brother and sighed.

“What if that’s not enough?”

“It’s enough,” Caspian said reassuringly. “All the baby wants is you, not your answers,”

Hmm. That’s kind of nice.

Killian looked up again and exchanged a knowing look with Caspian. This was always their thing. They could look at each other and immediately knew what the other one was thinking.

“Kill…”

Killian then heard a different voice. He whipped his head back and found Audrey standing by the doorframe.

“Oh, hey,” he quickly got up to his feet. “What are you doing out of bed?”

“I heard… sounds…” she smiled weakly.

Killian let out a sigh. Audrey was staring at him with that look again, the look of worry and concern. He didn't like it at all.

“See? That’s the look I don't wanna see in your face,” he said as he strode closer to her. He put a hand on her cheek and cupped it gently. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine,”

Audrey couldn’t help but worry. She bit her lip and stared at Killian’s tender eyes for a moment. Then she noticed the paintbrush in Killian’s other hand and she quickly frowned.

“What are you doing with that?” she asked.

“I’m trying to paint the crib. You said you don’t like this color,”

Audrey glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 3 o’clock in the morning and Killian was out here painting the baby’s crib. Audrey couldn’t stand it anymore. She walked past Killian and headed for the crib. Then she grabbed a fresh paintbrush next to the can of paint and made herself comfortable on the floor.

“What are you doing?” he asked her.

“I’m helping you,” she said. Audrey was now painting the crib’s railings.

Killian shook his head disapprovingly. “No, baby, you should go back to bed,”

Audrey only gave him a bored stare. She was staying no matter what. If she couldn’t help him fall asleep, then she wanted to stay up with him.

“Audrey,” Killian protested.

“Come on, the crib’s not gonna paint itself,” she said with a smile.

Killian sighed and nodded his head. He had the most wonderful and understanding wife in the world. She didn’t nag him or anything like that. She just wanted to stay with him.

Killian and Audrey spent the next hour painting the baby’s crib. They painted it a warm ivory color and Audrey loved the result. Once they were done, they spent a few more minutes just talking about the nursery and what kind of things they could add to it.

Killian then a quick bathroom break, but when he was back, he saw Audrey had fallen asleep on the floor. He let out a sad smile and shook his head. Then he went over to her and picked her up, carrying her back to their room.

Killian slowly and gently laid Audrey down on the bed. Her eyes were still closed, but she was stirring in her sleep. And when Killian was about to pull away, her hand reached up to grab his shirt. She refused to let him go.

“Stay with me, Kill,” she murmured.

Killian smiled and leaned back down. He cuddled next to her and planted a long kiss on her forehead.

“Of course, sweetheart. I’m here,”

Audrey’s eyes were still closed too, but she was smiling. She snuggled closer to Killian and gripped his shirt tighter.

“Stay with me… Cas,”

Killian’s eyes shot open instantly. He wasn’t expecting that. Audrey was just talking in her sleep, but the words cut deep into his soul.

“Stay…” she said again.

Killian’s eyes softened as he stared at her. He put a hand on her cheek and caressed her skin gently.

“I’m here, love. I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered into her ear.

“I love you…” she murmured.

“I love you too,”

*

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- - - - - To Be Continued - - - - -