Chapter 171 – Confessions with Kieran
Ronan
Eli is asleep when I leave him, curled into the furs, his breathing deep and steady.
I smooth the damp hair from his forehead before I get up, reluctant to move, reluctant to let go. I want to stay right here in bed with him, but there’s something I have to attend to first.
Eli’s skin still bears the marks of my hands, the rope, my desperation. I kissed each one when I cleaned him, but it doesn’t erase the truth. I punished him for being right.
The bond hums softly with his contentment, proof that he doesn’t hold it against me. On the contrary, he loves every bruise. That doesn’t mean I forgive myself.
I linger longer than I should, watching the way his lashes flutter in dreams, the curve of his mouth relaxed now that the fight is done.
Every part of me wants to lie down again, to bury my face in his neck and stay. But I know if I don’t face Kieran now, I’ll carry the weight into morning, and it’ll fester.
I pull the door shut and head to the keep, tracking the scent of Silvercrest through the lower corridors until I find Kieran in the room Mara gave him. Guarded, restless, pacing in the guest chamber like a wolf in a cage.
He startles when I enter, eyes flicking to mine, his posture snapping taut. He doesn’t bow. Good. I’d despise him if he did.
“Ronan,” he says cautiously. “I didn’t expect to see you at this time of-”
“You should expect me everywhere,” I cut in, shutting the door. The guard outside shifts his weight but doesn’t follow. This is between me and the boy with Alaric’s blood.
Kieran swallows and drops his gaze. His jaw is tight, his hands clenched at his sides. He looks like Eli did when he first arrived here. Like someone who’s survived cruelty by becoming smaller, sharper, harder.
I sit on the edge of the bed, elbows on my knees. I keep my eyes on him, unblinking. “Eli believes you. He says he trusts you. That should terrify you.”
Kieran flinches and his throat works. “I didn’t come here to trick him. Or you. Or to ask him again to join Silvercrest. I know the two of you are inseparable.”
“Good. He’ll sulk if I kill you and I’d like to avoid that. You should know though, if his crazy plan goes wrong, and anything happens to him, I’ll kill you anyway.”
Kieran blinks slowly. “What plan?”
My voice is low and steady as I share Eli’s ludicrous idea.
He stares at me, horror flickering through his expression. “My father will have an ambush waiting for you. There’s no way he’d risk being in the same room with you if he doesn’t know he has you outnumbered.”
“I’m well aware. Outnumbered is not the same as overpowered. There are only so many places he can hide his mercenaries.”
“He has fake panels with rooms behind them. He’ll have more than fifty warriors secreted away in the walls.”
Fuck. That’s more than I was prepared for. I was bargaining on around twenty. I want to rush back to Eli and tell him the plan’s off, but I know exactly what he’ll say. Using the Voice on them would be warranted. I’d only be telling them not to fight, not forcing them to follow me.
I still hate the idea of taking Eli into that situation. What if something goes wrong? What if half of them are deaf and they attack anyway? What if he gets hurt?
“What will I be doing? I’m sure my father suspects I’m here, but he won’t simply allow me to walk into the palace with you.”
“We need you to be waiting in the wings. Once I kill him, there needs to be someone who can take charge and keep the pack from splintering. And pay the mercenaries to leave.”
Kieran presses his palms to his face, dragging them down until they fall limp at his sides. He looks sick.
He came here begging me to kill his father, now that it seems to be turning into reality, it makes his stomach turn. I get that. I’ve been in his shoes, but that doesn’t change what needs to be done.
I lean back, folding my arms. “If you’ve changed your mind about this, tell me now. I’m not allowing you to endanger Eli’s life more than it already is.”
He looks up at me uncertainly. “You killed your father. Was it an easy decision?”
The words hang heavy and I’m tempted to ignore his question. The problem is, I actually feel pity for the little princeling.
“No. And even though I knew the pack needed me, even though killing him saved countless lives and made the world a better place, I still carry that moment inside me. I always will.”
The fire cracks in the hearth and Kieran’s hands tremble where they rest on his knees.
“You know what he’ll do to Eli if he gets hold of him. What he’ll do to the rest of the packs. That longing you feel, for his approval, for his pride, it will destroy you eventually, or turn you into him.”
Kieran’s breath shudders, but he straightens his spine, giving me a glimpse of the confidence I remember from before.
He drags a hand down his face, eyes closing tight. “I want to be cold and practical. I know you think I’m weak and I won’t argue that.”
“No,” I say. “Having a conscience isn’t weakness. Being cold will turn you into him. I want you to feel your guilt and weigh that against the lives you’ll be saving. Then decide whose suffering matters more.”
His gaze snaps to mine, startled, almost defensive. But he understands, and he knows I’m right.
Finally Kieran asks, “Does the guilt ever fade completely?”
I shake my head. “No. But you learn to live with it. You learn to carry it like a scar. It reminds you who you don’t want to become.”
Kieran swallows, his throat working hard. His eyes shine with a pain he doesn’t want me to see.
The fire pops, sending sparks into the air. His face is drawn, shadowed, but for the second time I see resolve tighten his jaw. That’s good enough for me. If he was glib about this, I’d have my doubts, but he knows what he’s asking and he’s forging ahead anyway.
I stand, looming over him. “You asked for mercy for your pack. I’ll grant that. I’ll work with you when this is over, protecting you from outside attack while you find your feet. But know this, if you ever threaten Eli, or try to take him from me, I won’t show any compassion. I’m offering you one chance.”
Kieran meets my gaze, steady now, no flinch in him. “I’d expect nothing less.”
I nod once. We understand each other.
I leave him there, in the flicker of the fire, and walk back to where Eli sleeps.
My wolf is restless, my chest tight, but something inside me has shifted. I don’t trust Kieran, not fully. But I understand him. And maybe that’s enough to start building a bridge.