39- I love her so much that it hurts
* Are you there? (10:09 PM)
* Yes, I was studying parasitology. (10:25 PM)
* Do you have an exam tomorrow? (10:25 PM)
* Yes. It’s difficult, but I’m getting there. (10:25 PM)
* Well, study hard. I know you’ll do great. (10:26 PM)
* What if I relapse? Into drugs… what if I relapse? (10:28 PM)
* Why are you saying that? Do you think you’ll relapse? (10:28 PM)
* Answer me. (10:28 PM)
* I would feel horrible and panic that something bad would happen to you. I would feel disappointed that I couldn’t help you, and I would be scared I couldn’t give you the strength you need to get through it.
* Besides, you know that it damages your heart, your septum, and it destroys you mentally. It’s just like marijuana; little by little, you’ll forget the little details of your life. You know that, right? It has terrible effects on you. At first, when I started to get to know you, I thought you did it for fun, because you liked it, because it got you high. But then I understood that there was something behind it: your emotions and feelings. Then I saw it all in a different way. I realized you did it to escape from your life, and in a way, you wanted to escape from that too. (10:30 PM)
* You actually see it the right way; that’s how I hurt myself. It’s my punishment. (10:30 PM)
I took a minute to process what she had just said, and a tear slipped down my cheek, the first brave one to fall.
* Wow, that’s strong. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. (10:31 PM)
I wished with all my heart to take her face in my hands and kiss her at that moment, to fill her with tenderness and tell her that everything would be okay.
* Are you there? (1:15 PM)
* Well, I guess you fell asleep. Rest well, good luck tomorrow on your exam. (1:44 PM)
* I wanted to fix things; I miss you. It’s a shame you fell asleep. (1:45 PM)
* I haven’t fallen asleep. (2:03 PM)
* I’m just really high. (2:03 PM)
* I’m sorry. (2:04 PM)
* What? (2:04 PM)
* Are you serious? (2:05 PM)
* OMG. (2:05 PM)
* When did you do that? (2:05 PM)
* Where are you? (2:05 PM)
* A little while ago… (2:20 PM)
* At my residence. (2:22 PM)
* Weren’t you studying? (2:23 PM)
* Yes, I was studying. (2:23 PM)
* And where did you get that from? (2:23 PM)
* How were you planning to study in those conditions? (2:23 PM)
* I bought it today. (2:24 PM)
* What time? (2:24 PM)
* When? (2:24 PM)
* After I argued with you. (2:24 PM)
* And you did it at that time? (2:28 PM)
* Or did you do it a while ago? (2:28 PM)
* I did it before talking to you. (2:28 PM)
I kept the conversation that had just occurred suspended in my mind and considered the talk over. I stood up and turned off all the lights in the apartment, walking like a zombie to my room where I lay down and cried. I remembered her words, that night we went out together for the first time when she told me she liked me because with me, she could be herself. And now, after 10 months with Rocío, I wondered why it was hard for me to accept that she could be “herself” with me. But the difference was that now I loved her more than my mitral valve; I couldn’t live without her.
Did being herself for Rocío mean being able to get high and become that self-destructive woman, or was it being that beautiful, sweet, and kind woman who had made love to me so many times? I felt like tears were trapped in my throat, preventing me from crying out loud.
* Mia? Are you there? (3:00 PM)
* Yes. (3:00 PM)
* I’m glad you’re there. (3:00 PM)
* Don’t you want to talk to me anymore? (3:01 PM)
* Well, do you want to talk? Honestly, I don’t have much to say. I have nothing to say. (3:02 PM)
* That’s okay. (3:02 PM)
* I understand. (3:02 PM)
* Better rest. (3:02 PM)
* I’m sorry about this.
* I love you.
* Goodbye. (3:02 PM)
After Rocío got high that time at the club, she promised me in the days that followed that she would do things right for us. I wasn’t bothered by her drug habit; I saw it as similar to my bulimic impulses to escape my emotions by vomiting until I brought up bile, or maybe it was just a pleasure she sought in some moments of fun. It wasn’t like she was high every time I saw her.
Of course, I was an ignorant person playing with fire, not understanding the metaphorical meaning of “you’re playing with fire” until I saw my body bandaged with third-degree burns, until I felt life tearing my soul away when I lost her. However, Rocío knew; she was perfectly aware of the destructive power she had in her hands, and she wanted to protect me. She knew it every time we made love and couldn’t hold my gaze because the shine in my eyes was such that a new life was born from them just by seeing her. Then she would look away, unable to withstand my murky eyes in their most natural state. She knew it and was aware that she could cause me this pain, which is why she promised me she would do things right, that she would give it up before asking me to be her girlfriend, before loving her and no longer being able to run away from her. I never understood the commitment she was making with me, the way she wanted to direct her life and leave all that behind. The day she gave me her word that she would quit, I never had to worry again about the state of her nose or the arrhythmic beats of her heart, not ever until today.
That afternoon we had a very strong argument. I told her I didn’t want to know anything about her, that she was selfish, and not to look for me anymore. I had been the selfish one; my pride and I were so selfish. I felt so guilty, I felt so guilty about everything. My heart ached, and I couldn’t stop crying.
After the fight, I spent the whole afternoon sleeping. And her? She had been getting high and messing everything up. “With you, I can be myself, and I like that.” Did falling in love with Rocío prevent her from being herself? Should I have idealized the person I loved and made her perfect in my demands, painting her skin with utopias and kissing her with the certainty that it was real?