The fall
The fall
Just as I pondered in worry, I heard footsteps slowly getting closer from the hallway. They were slow, uneven, and a bit dragging as they approached the door.
At first, my chest filled with relief. I could tell that it wasn’t just one person, there were two.
' Ciel and... Icarus?' I thought in delight, anxious to see the door open. I knew I could count on Ciel to save Icarus. I was glad that finally, Elara didn't have to worry about losing Icarus anymore and neither do I.
When the door creaked open, I rose to my feet too quickly, heart thundering, hope rushing through my veins like fire.
Ciel stepped inside first.
But... The one who followed in behind him wasn’t Icarus as I'd thought it'd be.
It was... Selena.
The world seemed to tilt sideways. My smile froze, my heart slammed against my ribs, and suddenly every sound dulled.
I searched frantically for the face I wanted to see, desperately hoping he'd follow behind Selena. That perhaps I had misjudged the footsteps of three persons for two.
But, no one came in after Selena. Icarus wasn’t here.
Ciel stood aside by the doorway, allowing Selena, her cheeks wet with tears, eyes swollen from crying, to walk in the room.
Still in disbelief, I watched in a lost daze as Elara shot up from the bed, her gaze fixed on Ciel. Her lips parted to speak, but she couldn’t find the strength to ask the question right away.
Maybe because she already knew. Maybe because she hoped it wasn't true just as myself.
But the silence stretched, taut and unbearable. A stabbing silence, raining like arrows.
“Where… where’s Icarus?” Her voice was low, trembling, but too steady to be real. It was just the kind of steadiness born of denial.
Ciel didn’t answer her.
His jaw flexed, fists clenching at his sides. His eyes flicked toward me, just once, a fleeting glance that burned with grief, rage, helplessness.
He then shut them tight, as if closing everything out completely. As if to convey his condolences.
That... was the answer.
“No…” Elara whispered, the word barely a breath. She took a step forward, her eyes wide and desperate, searching his face for even a flicker of hope. “No. No. No. Don’t you dare tell me–"
Selena crossed to her, arms open, but Elara shoved at her, screaming, “No!” Her voice cracked and broke, climbing in pitch until it was nothing but wails. Selena caught her anyway, forcing her into an embrace as Elara thrashed, pounding weak fists against her shoulders, sobbing out the word again and again.
Elara’s cries became raw sounds of heartbreak, and Selena held her tighter, murmuring things I couldn’t even hear.
In fact, I couldn’t hear anything anymore. Not the sobs, not the wails. Not the soft whispers of denials, nor the clenching knuckles of Ciel's fist. It all became a distant echo.
My chest squeezed in hurt. My knees shook, refusing to hold me upright as the walls pressed in.
No. Not again...
Heat and ice fought inside me, tossing me in a dizzying war. My heart pounded so hard I thought it would split. Tears blurred my vision before I even realized I was crying.
I staggered back, then bolted from the room. The door slammed behind me with a violent crack, and suddenly the muffled sounds were gone, replaced by the thundering of my own pulse.
I stumbled down the hall, pressing a hand against the wall to catch myself, but instead I slid to the floor. My palms flew to my face, covering it, but nothing could stop the tears. They streamed hot and fast, my body wracked with sobs I couldn’t hold in.
' Not another death. Not again.'
Why? Just why?
I haven't even gotten over Michael's death. Now Icarus?
Just why?
If only Icarus had left me back there. If only he hadn’t fought those betas to buy me time to escape. If only he had thought of himself instead of me.
He’d still be alive.
He'd still be here with Elara and Zias.
This was my fault. All of it!
I remembered the way he’d smiled once, telling me he didn’t want to fly too close to the sun. His words had seemed so simple, so harmless. But now they burned in me like prophecy. He had flown too close to me, to the fire that scorched everyone it touched.
And now, his name that I'd thought was strange, had become his cruel truth. He flew, and he fell.
Because of me.
My body shook as the sobs wracked me harder. I clawed at my own arms, nails digging into flesh, needing the pain to anchor me. My mind spun with images of Elara’s broken face, of Zias asking where his father was later.
How could I face them? How could I look at Elara again, knowing I had stolen the man she loved, the father of her child, her world?
Zias would never have his father to guide him. Never feel the strong hand on his shoulder, never hear his laughter, never know what it was to be protected by him.
Because of me...
I curled in on myself, burying my face in my hands, wanting to vanish into the floor, into the walls, into the darkness. Anything but this unbearable weight pressing down on me.
I was the sun that burned too hot, too cruel, destroying everything it touched.
And now, in the silence of the hall, with muffled sobs leaking through the door behind me, I realized I was drowning. In grief. In guilt. In the endless, suffocating truth that no matter how hard I tried to live, people kept dying because of me.
And nothing I did could ever change that.