Feelings we can’t deny

Feelings we can’t deny
Jamie’s POV 

I countlessly told myself that I didn’t care, that I wasn’t going to keep track of anything, but I’ve been doing the exact opposite for the past three months. And now, the realization of that hits harder tonight than it ever has. 

It’s also been three months since our last encounter,  three long, frustrating, agonizing months where I constantly tried to convince myself I didn’t need him, didn’t want him, didn’t think about him. Three months where every single day, without a fail, a gift arrived from him.

It was his own version of an apology, his own slow, persistent way of proving he meant what he said sincerely, but I rejected them all. I told myself I didn’t want anything to do with him, that I didn’t want reminders, that I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he still had an access to my heart. I told myself that allowing even one gift inside my home meant giving him permission to live rent-free in my mind again.

But it was all a lie and I knew it. As each day passed, I knew it. I wanted the opposite of everything I claimed.I wanted him inside my head, I wanted the reminders, and I fucking wanted him.

And seeing him that day when we ran into each other… God, that moment shattered me completely. It made me realize I’d just been fooling myself, pretending I had moved on, pretending he didn’t still own places inside me I couldn’t reclaim.

I may be mad at him, but my heart? My heart said something entirely different. And with the tutoring sessions gradually coming to an end, I didn’t have much to do lately. And with too much free time came too much thinking which Jason absolutely hated.

“Dude, you need to go out,” he said earlier today, exasperated. “Mingle. Drink. Dance. Anything. If you want really want to get over him, you need to get someone for that. And if you don’t want to get over him,  then you have to find a way to get through to him. But stop pacing holes into my damn floor.”

Maybe he was right, maybe I was making a huge mistake by listening to him. But honestly who cares? I still ended up at the club tonight.

It was supposed to be nothing, just a night of loud music, alcohol, and forgetting. Just enough noise to drown out the thoughts that came crawling back into my head every night. But halfway through my drink, I froze.

I saw someone being led away from the dance floor,  smiling in a way that was so unmistakably like him. My chest tightened immediately. I blinked, thinking perhaps I was imagining it, maybe the lights were messing with me, or the alcohol. But not until he sat a few stools away from me, and I heard his voice, then his laughter. And that was the moment I knew with absolute certainty that it was him.

A part of me wanted to get up immediately, walk straight over to him, pull him close, press my mouth against his and make some kind of unspoken declaration that he was mine. He had always been mine, and he would always be mine.

But I couldn’t. Because technically… he wasn’t mine anymore. And maybe because all the times he had tried to bridge the gap between us, I always shut him down. I declined his attempts to talk, to be civil, to be at least friends, because being friends was the last thing I wanted us to be.

So all I could do was to sit here with drink in hand, pretending he wasn’t there. Pretending I didn’t feel his presence like gravity. It worked for a while, until the man he was talking to stood up and walked away. Then Aiden’s eyes shifted… and landed directly on me.

He smiled. It was soft, gentle, and familiar as he picked up his water and walked toward me. My heart pounded so hard I almost set the glass down. He pulled out a stool and sat behind me, like this was the most casual, normal thing in the world.

“Hey, poodle,” he said softly.

The name hit me in my gut hard, unraveling things inside me that I kept trying to force into knots. As heat pooled embarrassingly fast beneath my groin.

“I guess you could use some company, seeing as you’re here all alone,” he said, turning to face me. “I hope you don’t mind.”

I tried to smile without giving anything away. “No, it’s fine. I could really use some company. And it’s not like I came with anyone either.”

He nodded slowly.

“So what about you?” I asked, swallowing a sip of my drink. “I guess your date finally left, seeing as you’re here alone now?”

He snorted. “My date? That’s very funny. I’m here with a few friends, though hell if I know where they wandered off to.” His eyes scanned the room. “We’re almost down with the shoot, so we decided to have some fun and take a break. It’s the least we could do.”

“Oh really?” I said softly. “That’s amazing. Congratulations in advance, then.” I paused, a faint sadness leaking into my voice despite my effort to suppress it. “I guess that means you’ll be leaving soon.”

He smacked his lips. “Well… yeah, I guess so. Who knows? I’ve actually fallen in love with this town so I might stay for a while before leaving eventually.”

He smiled, and I saw the way his eyes lit up.

And then he asked quietly, “So how long do you plan on rejecting my gifts, Jamie?”

My breath caught.

“You know I’ve got plenty of time,” he continued gently. “And I’ll keep sending them for as long as I want, and for as long as takes until you eventually see that I’m truly sorry and you forgive me.”

I said nothing. I just stared at him, feeling the sincerity pouring out from him. A part of me wanted to drag him out of here right then and there, slam him against the nearest wall and kiss him so badly until everything melted away. But that would’ve been me acting desperate.

So instead I cleared my throat and said, “How about we go someplace quiet instead and talk? This place is soo loud, and I’m having a damn headache.”

He nodded immediately. “Yeah, that’s fine. I’m getting tired of it too.”

We both laughed, and we headed out. We got into my car and drove off. All through the ride, we didn’t really say much to each other, but it wasn’t awkward. It was the opposite calm, soothing, and familiar.

When we got to my place, he stepped out quietly. I opened the door for him, and took his coat from his shoulders.

“It’s freezing,” I said. “You can sit by the fire, and I’ll get you hot chocolate.”

He smiled as he sat down. “Thank you.”

When I handed him the mug, he stood up and wandered around, studying the paintings hung across the room.

“These are very beautiful,” he said softly. “I never knew you had such amazing talent. I’m honestly impressed.”

I shrugged, a small smile tugging at my lips. “Thank you, Aiden. I didn’t know I had it in me either, until it was discovered it. And now, here we are. I’m doing what I love, and helping people too. That’s everything I ever wanted.”

He nodded, walking until he stopped right in front of one painting.

His eyes widened. “Is this… me?”

I only nodded.

“Oh my god,” he whispered. “Jamie… when did you make this?”

He turned around only to freeze when he saw I had stepped closer. We were only inches apart now.

“That was the first painting I ever made,” I told him. “When things went south with us, you were the only thing I could ever think of, the only thing that broke me and made sense all at once. So I decided to pour everything into the painting. The hurt, the pains, the sadness. Everything. And after that, that was when I realized painting had a way of helping me breathe.”

He stared at me silently as I gently took the mug from his hands and set it aside. He looked uncertain, unsure why I did that, unsure of what I was planning.

Then I reached up, cupped his face with both my hands, pulled him toward me… and kissed him. It was soft at first, then slowly it got deeper and more intense, like I was just eating my first food in months.

When our lips finally parted, he didn’t move away. Instead, his arms circled my waist, as he pulled me closer, and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Jamie. I know I messed up and I can’t stop saying it because I want you to know that I’ve changed, that I’m not the same Aiden you—”

“Shhh,” I murmured, brushing my thumb over his cheek. “It’s fine, Aiden. But I didn’t bring you here to repeat all what you’ve been saying to me for the past ninety days. I brought you here because I missed you, and no matter how much I deny it, you are always on my mind. No matter how far I tried to run away from it, I always come running back to you. I’ve missed you so much, Aiden and I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”

Then I kissed him again, this time more harsher, hungrier, almost feral.

He responded instantly, his hand sliding into my hair and tugging hard. I lifted him effortlessly as he wrapped his legs around me. I carried him to the bed, laying him down gently but not breaking the kiss. My mouth moved against his like it was my only means of survival. His breaths shuddered and his fingers trembled.

I held his head, while my other hand slid beneath his shirt, trailing down to his abdomen, lower and lower… until it reached his groin. He jerked sharply, moaning into my mouth as I stroked him slowly, making him quiver beneath me.

After a moment, he broke the kiss, panting, looking up at me through half-lidded eyes.

“Does this mean you’ve forgiven me?” he whispered, biting his lower lip, knowing full well what that did to me.

I smirked, leaned close to his ear, and murmured, “Oh no I haven’t, Aiden. Not until I teach you a lesson first.”

Then I pulled back only long enough to see the desire in his eyes…before crashing my lips against his again, igniting the flames we had both been denying for months.