Chapter 37

Dayton’s head whipped around, then his breath drew in sharply as he saw Shayna standing just inside the door.

“Shayna.”

No man had ever said her name that way, with his voice somehow both soft and rough, so full of emotion. The sweetness of the sound lifted her eyes to his face and for long moments she simply looked at him.

“I—don’t want to disturb you,” she said, then nervously licking her lips, she took one step closer.

She’d already disturbed the hell out of him. Ever since he had realized that it was her that he rescued, she had permanently occupied a part of his mind. And he’d already decided that she was going to stay in his head whether she was in this room with him, or some other part of the house.

“You’re not disturbing me. Come in.”

Reaching behind her, she gently pushed the door shut, then clasped her hands in front of her. The room was small and dimly lit. One small lamp burned on the desk. Its light pooled on the pages of the open ledger and reflected up to Dayton’s face. She could see that his brown eyes were red with fatigue while black whiskers shadowed his chin and jaws and upper lip. She’d thought about him all evening, the things she’d said to him and the way she’d felt in his arms. Now that she was standing here looking at him, all she could think about was going to him and laying her cheek against his.

“Was there something you wanted?” he asked.

Dear God, yes. She wanted him. Couldn’t he see it all over her face? Each time she looked at him, even thought of him, a surge of yearning poured through her like kerosene on fire. And she seemed powerless to stop it.

Taking another step closer, she said, “Yes. I—I’ve been thinking about—” She breathed in deeply and tried again. “The way I behaved this afternoon. I know you didn’t understand—”

“I still don’t understand,” he swiftly cut in.

“I’m not a bad person, Dayton.”

“I don’t think you are,” he replied, his eyes quietly studying her troubled face. Shayna had never been the type of person to look for trouble or get into trouble. Dayton was certain that New York hadn’t changed the sort of person she was.

Surprise lifted her eyebrows, “But you implied—”

Shaking his head, he said, “Shayna, you looked like the devil himself had taken a seat on your shoulder. What was I supposed to think? I was worried about you.”

Worried about her? No. Shayna couldn’t imagine Dayton Radisson being concerned about her. She was just a stranger passing through, a momentary disruption in his life.

“I know I overreacted. But—” pausing, she spread her hands in a helpless gesture as she tried to assemble the best words to explain herself., “it wasn’t Brady, personally, you see. He seemed like a very nice man.”

“He is a very nice man. Even if he is my cousin.”

She tried to swallow, then brought her hand to her throat when it refused to cooperate. “But all policemen aren’t nice guys,” she finally managed to say, “I know, because Erik was once a policeman. Before he became a businessman.”

Rising to his feet, Dayton closed the three steps that separated them, “Your ex-fiancé was a policeman?”

Her face solemn, Shayna nodded up at him. Once she’d left New York she’d planned to keep all this information to herself. But no matter what consequences came out of this, she couldn’t let Dayton go on thinking badly of her. She couldn’t bear that.

“He was—a well-connected businessman when I met him. But, with some sort of hold in the NYPD even after he left.”

“I see,” he said, his expression suddenly thoughtful.

“I doubt it. You’re probably thinking that doesn’t explain my reaction to Brady. But believe me, Dayton, Erik turned out to be—well, he could be very unpleasant at times. He ruined my impression and my trust for the law. I know that doesn’t exactly make sense, and the logical part of me knows that all law officials aren’t like the ones that worked for him, but I still can’t seem to make the separation.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

Her mouth twisted wryly, “For the same reason you don’t want to tell me things. It hurts.”

Oh yes, Dayton knew how the past, and retelling it, could hurt. As it had obviously hurt Shayna, he thought grimly.

He didn’t know what had prompted her to come to him and open up like this. But now that she had, Dayton felt like a bastard. No, he more than felt like one. He was one. From the moment he’d picked Shayna up from her wrecked car on the highway, he’d questioned her motives, her past after she had left him, her future.

He’d expected her to give out any information he wanted to know while, like a miser clutching his pennies, he’d held the biggest part of himself back from her. But then, he’d been doing that for more than ten years now. And the hell of it was, no one but Shayna had pointed it out to him. Or maybe they had and she’d been the only one he’d listened to?

“So I guess I’ll say goodnight. I just wanted you to know how things were with me,” Shayna went on with a shrug of her shoulder, “I didn’t want you thinking I had a suitcase full of stolen money stashed away in the car trunk and my being here would implicate you and your family.”

Turning, she started toward the door. But before her hand reached the knob, Dayton grabbed her shoulders and spun her back to him.

“I didn’t really think that, Shayna,” he said, his face bent close to hers, “I was just angry at you because you were being so damn closemouthed.”

The warm light in his gray eyes made Shayna believe him. It also made her quiver with longing. “Like you?” she couldn’t help asking.

Dayton couldn’t be angry with her. How could he be, when everything inside of him wanted to pull her into his arms, cherish her warmth and her softness?

“It’s been a long time since a woman has made me want to look twice,” he admitted in a husky voice, “and now that you’ve come along, again, I don’t know what to do about it.”

At first, Shayna thought she’d heard him wrong, then when she realized she hadn’t, her heart began to pound. “You—shouldn’t do anything about it,” she breathed.

Dayton’s grip on her shoulders tightened slightly, his fingers warm and reassuring against her skin. “I can’t just ignore this, Shayna. I don’t want to.”

She took a step back, but his hands held her in place. “Dayton, this isn’t a good idea. We both have too much baggage.” His touch was sending a familiar warmth through her body.

“Maybe that’s exactly why it is a good idea,” he countered softly. “We understand each other in ways other people wouldn’t.”

Shayna felt the tears welling up again. She didn’t want to cry in front of him, but the emotions swirling inside her were too overwhelming. “You don’t understand,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “I’ve been through so much. I’m not sure I can trust anyone again.”

Dayton’s expression softened even more. “I know you’ve been hurt, Shayna. And I’m not asking you to trust me right away. Just give me a chance to prove that I’m different now.”

She searched his eyes, looking for any sign of deceit, but all she saw was sincerity and a longing that matched her own. “It’s not just about trust,” she said quietly. “I’ve built walls around myself to keep from getting hurt again.”

He nodded, understanding the depth of her fears. “I get that. But sometimes, those walls can keep out the very things that could heal us.”

Shayna let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know if I’m ready to let those walls down.”

Dayton gently brushed a strand of hair away from her face. “I’m not asking you to do it all at once. Just let me in a little bit. Let me show you that you don’t have to go through this alone.”

Her resolve was crumbling under the weight of his words and the tenderness in his eyes. “Dayton, I’m scared,” she admitted.

His hands on her upper arms, he guided her back a step until she was pressed against the closed door, “Why? Because you’re still in love with your ex?”

The mere thought of loving Erik made her shiver with revulsion, “No! I’m not so sure I ever loved the man. At one time, I believed I did. But now I think I only accepted his engagement ring because I wanted security in my life. I’ve never had that before, you see.”

“Maybe you wanted love to go along with that security,” he suggested softly.

His hands were burning through her sweater, right down to the tips of her fingers. His lips, just inches away, were hypnotizing her, making it impossible to tear her eyes away from them.

“I did want love. I’d wanted it very badly. But I didn’t get it.”

One hand lifted to touch her cheek, then tunneled into the side of her hair, “I didn’t get it, either,” he murmured.

His touch stirred Shayna’s senses, but it was his words that tugged at her heart.

“But you—didn’t you love Mel? Didn’t she love you back?”

“Oh, we were married,” he conceded, “And we were in love, or so we thought. But I was barely twenty at the time and Mel was nineteen. I think she was more in love with the idea of marriage and babies than she was with me.”

“And you?”

“I wanted her. Physically. And back then I was too young to know physical desire wasn’t what love was all about.”

Shayna didn’t know what to say. All this time she’d believed he was harboring a great, deep-seated love for his dead wife. If that wasn’t the case, why had he avoided women for so long? Why did he look so tormented now?

Dayton saw the confusion in her eyes and sighed deeply. “After Mel died, I had a lot of time to think. About us, about what we had, and what we didn’t have. I realized that our marriage was built on shaky foundations. We rushed into it, driven by youthful passion and dreams that weren’t really aligned. When she passed, I was devastated, but not just because I lost her. I was mourning the loss of what could have been, the potential we never reached.”

Shayna listened intently, trying to piece together the puzzle of his past. “So, you’ve been punishing yourself all these years? For what? For making a mistake?”