Chapter 68 Marlena
We sat on the small couch in the safe house with the lights still off and the curtains still drawn and I knew I had to tell him before I lost my nerve.
"There's something you need to know," I said quietly, and my hands were shaking so I pressed them together in my lap to keep them still.
Nikolai turned to look at me and I could see his face in the dim light coming through the gaps in the curtains, concerned and careful like he was already bracing for bad news.
"I'm pregnant," I said, and the words came out softer than I meant them to but they came out and that was what mattered.
He went completely still and for a long moment he didn't say anything at all, just stared at me like he was trying to understand a language he'd never heard before.
"What?" he finally said.
"I'm pregnant," I repeated, and this time my voice was steadier, "it happened before Prague, that night in the hotel, I found out a week ago when I started feeling sick and took a test."
His eyes moved down to my stomach and then back up to my face and I could see him doing the math in his head, counting back the days and trying to figure out how far along I was.
"How far?" he asked.
"Maybe five weeks," I said, "maybe six, I don't know exactly, I haven't been to a doctor yet because I was afraid if I went anywhere official someone would recognize me."
He kept staring at me and I couldn't read his expression, couldn't tell if he was happy or angry or scared or some combination of all three, and the silence stretched out between us until I had to fill it.
"I was going to run," I admitted, and the words tasted like shame, "I was going to take the baby and disappear somewhere you'd never find us, raise it alone where nobody knew who we were or what we'd done."
"Why didn't you?" he asked quietly.
"Because you showed up," I said, "because you knocked on my door and asked me to come with you and I said yes before I could think about whether it was the right choice."
He moved then, shifting on the couch so he was closer to me, and his hand reached out slowly like he was afraid I might pull away. His palm settled on my stomach, flat and warm through the thin fabric of my shirt, and he just held it there gentle and careful like he was touching something precious that might break.
"We lost one already," he said, and his voice cracked on the words, "in Monaco, we lost our first baby and I thought that was it, I thought we'd never get another chance."
"I know," I said, and tears were burning behind my eyes but I didn't let them fall, "I thought the same thing, that's why when I found out I was pregnant again I didn't know what to feel, I was scared and angry and also this tiny bit hopeful that maybe something good could come out of all this damage."
His thumb moved in small circles on my stomach and he leaned forward until his forehead was resting against mine and we just breathed together for a while without saying anything.
"Are you happy?" I asked finally.
"Yes," he said immediately, "I'm terrified and I have no idea how we're going to do this but yes, I'm happy, this is the best news I've gotten in years."
We talked for hours after that, sitting close on the couch while the night got darker outside and the world kept hunting for us without knowing where to look.
We talked about the baby and what it would be like to raise a child while running and hiding, whether we'd be good parents or if we'd just pass on all our damage to another generation. We talked about names even though it was too early and we didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl yet, but it felt important somehow to think about the future like it was real and possible.
We talked about being scared because we were both scared, scared of getting caught and separated, scared of losing this baby the way we lost the first one, scared of bringing a child into a life where we'd always be looking over our shoulders.
But underneath the fear was something else too, something that felt almost like hope, fragile and new like the life growing inside me.
"We need to leave," Nikolai said eventually, "tonight, we can't stay here any longer, it's not safe now that I've been here and left a trail."
"Where would we go?" I asked.
"South America," he said, "I have money Damien doesn't know about, accounts he never found because they're buried under so many layers of shell companies that even the FBI couldn't trace them, enough money to disappear properly and stay disappeared."
"How much?" I asked.
"Enough to live comfortably for the rest of our lives," he said, "enough to raise our child somewhere safe and quiet where nobody will look for us."
I nodded slowly and let myself believe it might be possible, that we could actually run far enough and hide well enough that the past would stop chasing us.
We packed fast and didn't take much because we couldn't, just clothes and documents and the gun I'd been keeping and some cash Katya had left for emergencies. Nikolai had a bag already packed in the car he'd driven here and he went to get it while I did one last check of the house to make sure we weren't leaving anything that could identify us.
When I came outside he was waiting by the car with the engine running and the lights off and his face serious in the darkness.
"Are you sure?" he asked, "once we leave there's no coming back, no changing our minds, we're committing to this life and everything that comes with it."
"I'm sure," I said, and I was, I'd made my choice when I opened the door and let him in and everything after that was just following the path I'd already started walking.
We got in the car and he pulled out onto the empty road and I looked back once at the safe house disappearing behind us and thought about all the lives I'd left behind in all the places I'd run from.
The highway stretched out dark and quiet ahead of us and Nikolai drove fast but not reckless, his eyes checking the mirrors constantly while one hand stayed on the wheel and the other reached over to hold mine.
I held his hand back and felt the baby inside me, too small to show yet but there and real and depending on us to keep it safe.