Chapter 44

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Within two weeks, I relapsed and now I am back in the hospital. Doing chemotherapy and having a therapist come to deal with my anxiety. I know for a fact that if I am not careful this period I would end up with an anxiety disorder. Alyssa would certainly not want that for me. I can see it clearly in my head, if Alyssa was alive and something like this is happening, she would have hit me at the back of my head and order me to get my shit cleaned up. That is my girlfriend for you.... That was my girlfriend for you. I still can't believe that she is gone. It is too unsettling to discover that she is not by my side or that she didn't go to get something and that is to reason for her not being able to be with me physically. I cannot believe it that she is gone, sure I know that she is gone but my mind can't wrap around the fact that I will never see her face smiling or pouting or giving me that look that is specially reserved for those who are in her heart. The pressure built in my stomach those memories past through me but I tried to block it out. If I can't I would black out and right now it will that is not good for me.

The migraines are back but this time when they hit me, I welcome them, I welcome the pain because it distracts me from my reality for a little while. My reality without Alyssa in it. In, out. In, out. My breathing goes as I try to ignore the pain I am feeling. The physical, mental pain I feeling. I welcome the emotional pain. It reminds me that the world is still real and nothing has changed. The emotional pain prevents me from hiding or trying to ignore reality. I lost her and no matter how hard I try to ignore it, the feeling will always be there, sure it will diminish over time but it will never be gone completely. The emotional pain will turn into scars and when I look back from the future I would remember this time and the see the scars because they show that I have lived with my heart ripped out and still survived, then I can do anything. Alyssa would want me to live life to the fullest and I honestly want to obey that wish.

I will try my best to obey that wish. I know it is a wish because it is what Alyssa would want for me just like it is what I would want for her.

My breathing settled as I overcome that attack. I need to stop this. It has been two weeks and I know that life goes on but I can't seem to go on too. I am stuck in time and believe me I like where I am very much. If only I could be stuck in the time when she was still alive. Everybody have moved on including her parents, they are in the final stage of grief. Acceptance, I am still on denial and if I had my way, I would stay on denial for the rest of my life but my therapist knows and told my parents so now they are looking for a grief counselor for me.

“Knock knock. “My mother said as she rested on the door of my room.

I glanced at her but I didn't say anything. I know that it is childish but it is what I did. The last time I saw her she was looking for a grief counselor who is willing to come to the hospital for our sessions.

“There is some people here to see you. “She said softly. She is the only one I allow near me these days. I snap at my siblings and my father refused to come close because he fears that he will strangle me for being a douche. Deep down, I know he is giving me space to mourn.

“I don't want to see a grief counselor, I am really okay with my feeling and advancement in dealing with the news. I will survive and thrive later, now all o want to do is mourn. “I said heatedly to my mother but she put out her hands.

“Easy, easy. It is not grief counselors. It is Alyssa's parents. “My mother said quickly before I could work myself into a frenzy and that is not good for my present state.

“Oh. Let them in. " I said as I relax back to rest on the bed. I used to past two weeks to see the error of my ways in blaming Alyssa's mother for her death. I haven't had the time to apologize so it is a good thing that they are here so that I can apologize for my immediate response to the news.

Alyssa's death wasn't anyone's fault I just wish that they know much I regret pointing fingers at others.

“Hello, Mr. and mars Winton.” I greeted when they came inside.

“Just call me Lynette. I am not married to him yet. “Alyssa's mother said with a sad smile.

“But you will soon be married to him. I am sorry but I cannot do that. “I replied them and she nodded.

“Are you okay Micah.” Mr. Winston asks.

“Sure. I battled chemo once and I will battle it again, piece of cake. “I dismiss the subject with a wave.

“Okay. We came to see how you were doing. “Lynette says and I smiled at her.

“I am doing great but that is not the reason you came here. Is it? “I asked and they exchanged a look.

“We came to discuss... “Mr. Winston started but I stopped him.

“Before anything I would like to apologize. I sorry for what I said to you at the hospital. It wasn't your fault and I should never have blamed you. “I said to Lynette who nodded.

“You don't need to blame me. I already blame myself, it is my fault. “She said to me.

I left the issue when I saw the look in her eyes. It is similar to the one I have in mine. I am not planning on letting go the grief soon and she is not planning on letting go on blaming herself anytime soon. And nobody can force us to quicken the process of letting go. “I nodded at her.

“The reason we are here is because we read Alyssa's will. It consists of two sentences: 'I can't do this dividing nonsense, just give everything I own to Micah.'" Mr. Winston said as my mouth opened at that.

“That is not possible.” I said still in shock. I know that she started to write her will when I was in chemo but I never imagined that she will give me everything she owns.

“It is, son. So that means that her inheritance is now yours. Congratulations son. I believe she made the right choice. I planned on giving her the company when she turn twenty-three but now. When you turn twenty-three the empire is yours." Mr. Winston said.

“You cannot be serious.”

“We are, Alyssa wanted you to have everything that is hers, both the ones that she has and the future ones. We plan on fulfilling her last wish. Would you disrespect it? “Lynette asks with a stern look.

“Of course not.” I sputtered. “What if you have more children?”

“We have five years to go about creating another empire. We have it all under control. “Mr. Winston said “is it okay, if I refer to you as son. You would have been my son in law. We all know that. "

“It is. Sir. “He nodded stiffly as he quickly left the room with tears in his eyes

“Get well soon.” Lynette said squeezing my shoulders as she left with her husband too.

“Did that just happen?” I asks my mother who has been watching everything that was happening quietly.

She nodded her reply because she was sobbing too hard. I drew her to me wrap my hands around her and started crying. Together we cried for the girl who manage to still punch the air out of our chest even from beyond.