Chapter 65 ACADEMIC PROBATION
Alex
Alex stared at the email. His hands are going cold.
“What’s wrong?” Elias asked, seeing his face.
“The grad program. They want to meet about my academic standing.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. But it can’t be good.”
He scheduled the meeting for that afternoon. Spent the morning spiraling. Trying to figure out what he’d done wrong.
His grades were fine. Mostly As. One B. Nothing failing.
Unless missing two weeks for Boston had violated some attendance policy.
At 2 PM, he sat in Director Walsh’s office. The same office where he’d been accepted eight months ago.
“Thank you for coming,” Director Walsh said. “I’ll be direct. We’ve received concerns about your first semester performance.”
“What concerns? My grades are good.”
“Your grades are acceptable. But you missed significant class time. Two weeks in January. And your participation dropped after that.”
“My boyfriend’s brother was in a car accident. He almost died. I had to go to Boston.”
“I understand. And we’re sympathetic to personal emergencies. But this program is rigorous. We need students who can maintain consistency even during difficult times.”
Alex’s stomach dropped. “Are you kicking me out?”
“Not yet. But you’re being placed on academic probation. If your performance doesn’t improve next semester, we’ll have to reconsider your place in the program.”
“I was gone for two weeks. For a family emergency. How is that grounds for probation?”
“It’s not just the absence. Several professors noted you seemed distracted. Disengaged. Your work was adequate but not exceptional.”
“Because I was worried. About someone I care about. That makes me human, not a bad student.”
“We’re not questioning your humanity. We’re questioning your ability to handle the demands of graduate school while managing personal challenges.”
“So what do I do? Just pretend my life doesn’t exist outside of school?”
“We’re asking you to prioritize. To demonstrate you can meet our standards.”
Alex left the office shaking. Called Elias immediately.
“They put me on academic probation.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I went to Boston. Because I was distracted. Because apparently caring about people makes me a bad student.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“I know. But what can I do? If I don’t improve, they’ll kick me out.”
At home, Alex collapsed on the couch. Elias sat next to him.
“I’m sorry,” Elias said.
“For what?”
“For James’s accident. For you having to go to Boston. For all of it affecting your school.”
“That’s not your fault.”
“Feels like it is. You came with me. You took care of me. And now you’re being punished for it.”
“I’d do it again. Without hesitation.”
“I know. But maybe you shouldn’t have to.”
“What does that mean?”
“Maybe we need to be more careful. About balancing our lives. Your school. My work. Us.”
“I don’t want to be careful. I want us. Together. Support each other.”
“Even if it costs you grad school?”
“Yes. Even then.”
But the words felt hollow. Brave but empty.
Because Alex had worked so hard to get here. To get into this program. To prove he was more than just the kid who watched from the library.
And now it was slipping away.
The spring semester has started. Alex threw himself into work. Attended every class. Participated obsessively. Turned in assignments early. Perfect. Polished.
Exhausting.
“You’re burning out,” Des said. “You need to slow down.”
“I can’t. I’m on probation. One mistake and I’m out.”
“So you’re just going to run yourself into the ground?”
“If that’s what it takes.”
At home, things got tense. Elias worked late. Alex studied constantly. They barely saw each other.
When they did, they were both too tired to talk. Just existing in the same space. Not really together.
“Are we okay?” Elias asked one night.
“Yeah. Just busy.”
“Feels like more than busy.”
“I don’t have energy for this right now.”
“For what? For us?”
“For analyzing everything. I’m trying to save my academic career. Can we talk about this later?”
“When is later? You’re always studying.”
“Because I have to be. You know that.”
Elias was quiet. Then: “I miss you.”
“I’m right here.”
“Are you? Because it feels like you’re somewhere else.”
Alex closed his laptop. Looked at him. Really looked. “I’m scared. If I lose this program, I lose everything I’ve worked for.”
“Not everything. You still have me.”
“Do I? Because you’re working late every night. We barely talk. When’s the last time we had a real conversation?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
They stared at each other. The space between them feels wider every day.
“I don’t want to fight,” Alex said.
“I don’t either. But we need to figure this out. How to be together when life is hard.”
“I thought we already knew how.”
“So did I. But this feels different.”
February came. Midterms. Alex aced everything. His professors noticed. Started commenting on his improvement.
“You’re doing much better this semester,” one said. “Keep it up.”
Relief flooded through him. Maybe he could do this. Maybe he could save his place in the program.
But at what cost?
At home, Elias was distant. Not angry. Just sad. Like he was watching them fall apart in slow motion.
“Talk to me,” Alex said one night.
“About what?”
“About whatever’s wrong. You’ve been weird for weeks.”
“I’m tired. That’s all.”
“Liar. What’s really going on?”
Elias set down his book. “I feel like I’m losing you. To school. To this pressure. To everything.”
“You’re not losing me.”
“Then why does it feel like it? We don’t talk. We don’t laugh. We barely touch anymore.”
“I’ve been stressed. You know that.”
“I know. But Alex, we survived Carter. We survived Ashley. We survived my brother almost dying. And now we’re falling apart because of grad school?”
“It’s not just grad school. It’s everything. The pressure. The fear. The constant feeling like I’m not enough.”
“You are enough. You’ve always been enough.”
“Then why am I on probation? Why do I have to work twice as hard as everyone else?”
“Because the system is broken. Not because you’re not enough.”
Alex’s eyes were wet. “I don’t know how to do this. How to be a good student and a good partner. I’m failing at both.”
“You’re not failing. You’re trying. That’s different.”
“Is it? Because it doesn’t feel different.”
Elias pulled him close. “We’re going to figure this out. Together. Like we always do.”
“Promise?”
“Yeah.”
But that night, lying in bed, Alex couldn’t sleep. His mind is racing. Thinking about school. About Elias. About everything he was trying to hold together.
At 3 AM, his phone buzzed. Email from Director Walsh.
We need to discuss your thesis proposal. Please see me tomorrow.
Alex’s stomach dropped.
He’d submitted the proposal last week. Thought it was solid. But maybe it wasn’t.
Maybe nothing he did was ever good enough.
He got up. Went to the living room. Sat in the dark.
Elias found him at 4 AM. “Can’t sleep?”
“Another meeting. About my thesis.”
“What about it?”
“I don’t know. But I’m terrified.”
“It’s going to be fine.”
“You don’t know that.”
“No. But I believe in you. That has to count for something.”
The next day, Alex sat in Director Walsh’s office. Bracing for bad news.
“Your proposal is excellent,” Walsh said.
Alex blinked. “What?”
“Really excellent. One of the best I’ve seen from a first-year student.”
“So why did you call me here?”
“Because I wanted to tell you personally. And to say your probation is being lifted. You’ve more than proven yourself this semester.”
Relief hit like a wave. “Really?”
“Really. You’re doing exceptional work. Keep it up.”
Alex left the office feeling lighter than he had in months.
At home, he found Elias making dinner. “I have news.”
“Good or bad?”
“Good. Really good. The probation is lifted. My thesis proposal was approved. I’m back in good standing.”
Elias grabbed him. Lifted him. Spun him around. “I’m so proud of you.”
“I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Yes, you could have. But I’m glad you didn’t have to.”
They celebrated properly that night. With dinner and wine and making love like they hadn’t in weeks.
After, tangled together, Alex said, “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For being distant. For letting school take over everything.”
“I get it. You were scared.”
“I still am. What if next semester is worse? What if I can’t keep up?”
“Then we’ll deal with it. But Alex? You’re brilliant. You’re going to be fine.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know you. And you don’t give up.”
They fell asleep peacefully. For the first time in months, everything felt okay.
But in the morning, there was a knock on the door.
A woman. Unfamiliar. Holding an envelope.
“Alex Lee?”
“Yes?”
“You’ve been served.”
She handed him the envelope and left.
Inside was a lawsuit.
From Carter’s parents.
Claiming Alex and Elias drove their son to attempt suicide.
Seeking damages.
Half a million dollars.